“What the fuck is that on your forehead?”, I asked Dirty Dave as he came into Ron’s last night.
“It’s ash.”
“Are you putting cigarettes out on your face again? I thought the therapy had cured that.”
“Nah, you fool. It’s Ash Wednesday, isn’t it? It’s the first day of lent and a time when we should think of the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ on a bike almighty.”
“Since when did you give a shit about that?”
“I’ve converted to catholicism, Twenty. I am born again. Hallelujah and such.”
“Dave, you mongy mong, you were born a catholic, raised a catholic, christened, confirmed and all that as a catholic. How can you convert to something you already are.”
“Ahhh, that’s where you’re wrong. Some years ago I renounced my faith and became a Buddhist.”
“You what?”
“It’s true and I lived my life according to the Four Noble Truths.”
“Which are?”
“Erm, thou shalt not not shave thou head. Thou shalt like totally do some suffering. And a couple of others. They’re not really important.”
“So how come we never noticed?”
“My faith is my own business, Twenty. Anyway, I didn’t stay a Buddhist for long. I found it unfulfilling and that Daily Llama kept calling around tea and eating all my biscuits. So I converted to Islam.”
“You did?”
“Oh yes. It’s a religion of peace, understanding, fasting and calling other people infidels. I gave that up after the Archbishop of Dublin kicked the fuck out of me outside Mount Carmel one day. He didn’t like my sign saying ‘Infidel Child Molesters Land Deal Brokers Lying Affair With Women Having Always Playing Golf Fuckers Go Home’. ”
“That must have been a big sign.”
“Aye, after that I tried to be Hare Kirshna – too many bells the robes just made my bum looks soooo big, Hinduism – I like steak too much, sacred cow my hole, Zoroastrianism – couldn’t pronounce it, Judaism – everyone hated me more than they already do, Taoism – way too profound and Jehova’s Witness – I kept knocking on my own door having inane conversations with myself. So I decided that I’d go back to what I knew best.”
“And the Catholic Church had no problem with taking you back after so publicly belittling them for years and years?”
“Not all, Twenty. Beggars can’t be choosers and all that.”
“So, now that you’re a good Catholic again what are you giving up for lent?”
“I’ve thought long and hard about this and you have to make a sacrifice so for the whole of lent I’m giving up eating Bison steak covered in green pepper sauce and served with foie gras, ciabatta bread, a 1996 Pinot Grigio Reserva while I sit on a reclining exercise bike reading a first edition copy of the Irish RM.”
“You a truly a credit to your faith, Dave.”
“Amen.”
He surely sounds like a credit to Catholicism. Though I have my doubts. I know for a fact that when he was a kid he used to pray every night for a new bike. But when he realised that the good Lord himself doesn’t quite work like that, he nicked one and asked for forgiveness. Clever fellow is Dave
What happened to the Scientology? Did his church collapse?
He refuses to talk about it.
I think my bull believes in Islam, when I went out this morning he was facing east, or it could be that the grass is greener on that other auld cunts farm?????
I’m an atheist. But not really practicing it at the moment.
I’m a non-believer. What I don’t believe in the existance of God, Heaven, Christ, UFO’s and that Wagon Wheels are the same size as they were 30 years ago. I need the PROOF man…the PROOF.
The proof is in the pudding, Dale.
But where did the pudding come from? That’s the real question.
Twenty, I am not taking the piss but now both the home page and the comments option have your archives and categories tool bar superimposed on top of the main post … weird kaleidoscope effect ! .. for shame, I shall post it to some of the nerds on the techie blogs ………
You’re the only one to have said anything, Carlise. Done all the ‘empty your cache’ and that shit?
All folks who to pretend to religeon and grace
Allow there’s a Hell, but dispute of the place;
But, if Hell may by logical rules be defined
The place of the damned-I’ll tell you my mind.
Where ever the damn’d do chiefly abound,
Most certainly there is Hell to be found;
Damn’d poets,damn’d critics,damn’d bloggers,damn’d knaves;
Damn’d TDs bribed,damn’d prostitute slaves;
Damn’d lawers and judges,damn’d lords,and damn’d squires;
Damn’d spies and informers,damn’d Martin and Gerry and all of them liars;
And Hell to be sure is at Dudlin or Rome.
So allways phone first in case it’s at home!
Cleared out the cache 20 … but to no avail. I can read the posts 1 day later … the tool bar is only superimposed over the latest post, scrolling down to the previous post, gives me a crystal clear screen …. strange but true ….
Carlisle, what resolution are you viewing the screen at?
Kav .. screen res is 800 x 600
Can you increase that and see if you have the same problem?
Thanks Kav and twenty. The blog has been restored to it’s fromer glory. Now I only need a magnifying glass to read the text…………..
mean former glory, of course ….
I once knew a fromer
Seconding Dale’s comment, if you’re at work and trying to snakely read TM in a small browser window, the page is all fucked up. Its seriously hampering my blog reading.
Try using a site like http://www.bloglines.com
You can add loads of blog feeds and read them all in one window without ever having to visit another site for your IT boffins to notice.
If you have problems reading, contact the Department of Agriculture in Kildare St, there’s a guy there knows what the problem is and he can fix it!!!!
“Seconding Dale’s comment, if you’re at work and trying to snakely read TM in a small browser window, the page is all fucked up. Its seriously hampering my blog reading.”
Sorry Lurker I don’t think I know what you are on about?!?
nobody knows what he’s on about!!!!
turding Dales comment
Lets face it if there was a heaven it would be one feckin’ crowded place. Everybody that dies goes there. Standing room only. You would meet all those unsavoury c*nts that you didn’t like when they were alive…and then you can’t avoid ‘em. What do you eat? What do you do all day? How long do you stay there for? Can you go on holiday? Its all a load of bollix. You die…the lights go out forever…end.
I went to catholic school as a kid, and I actually knew a girl who gave up green olives for lent , but of course, according to my grandmother and all good catholics “Sundays are cheat days” – although, I don’t think anyone told Jesus.
Twenty…Just had a crackin’ joke by e-mail. Do you mind if I post it?
Go for it
An elderly couple, Roy and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Roy has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly into the house, says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now??”
Bessie looks up and says, “Roy, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Roy yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Roy. Shoulda bought a hat.
Stolen from Foot Eater:
Paul McCartney is being interviewed in the wake of his recent divorce.
Interviewer: Do you think you’ll ever go down on one knee again?
Sir Paul: No I don’t, and please refer to her as Heather.
If God saves, what’s he saving for?
I THINK YOU’RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS…
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says,
Do you know me?” To which she replies,
I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
“My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table
with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
“No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
“If God saves, what’s he saving for?”
Obviously another plot somewhere so he can put more of the living dead on it!
A Jewish student was doing well in school in all subjects except for Math. So his parents decide to send him to a private Catholic school.
While there the boy came home from school and studied every day. At the end of the marking period the boy got straight A’s. So his parents asked him, “What motivated you to do so well in school?” He replied, “knew they weren’t messing around when I saw that guy nailed to a plus sign!”
Sorry Twenty Its all my fault!!
One realy cold wet sleety night with slush and water everwhere, there was a tramp begging near the Halfpenny Bridge, when along came three members of the Legion of Mary and he asked them for a few bob, one of them asked what he wanted it for, he said he needed it to finalize the purchase of a bottle of Cider, one of them told him that he would be better off if he followed the path of Jesus,to which he replied you expect me to wear sandles in weather like this!!!!
Oh no its getting worse. Pots joke is older than the Big Bang.
The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, “Springbok.” Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, “And it was shot with a .22 rifle.”
He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Kalahari Lion.” Fingering the bullet hole, he added, “The rifle was a .308.”
He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, “Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?”
His wife replied angrily, “From me!”
“What did I do?” he asked.
She replied, “You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, ‘Skunk, killed with an ax!’”
Oh no!!!…its Armageddon…all over again. Stop it now Twenty before we all disappear down a ‘bad joke’ black-hole.
Dale de moron! there has been arse lickers here before you, but you must have brownest nose!!!!!
Oh dear Pot. We are getting personal. Sorry but your comments are like water off a ducks back with me. As for brown nosing… well you have it entirely wrong. I’m just extremely happy today and thought I’d share a joke and the other comments as a bit of fun. Obviously you can see beyond that with being the clever chappy that you are.
Enough for today. Au Revoir. GUI problems sorted. Thanks to all …….
I’m a Catholic who forgot it was ash Wedenesday until the subway ride home when I was curriously examining why people’s foreheads had ash….ah, right.
Twenty, tell Dave that The ‘Irish RM’ is a Protestant book. They are NOT like us, despite what the Cross-Border Intiative implies.
Twenty, much better than bloglines.com the new and truly comprehensive http://www.netvibes.com
More than just blogs, more than you need.
On February 22nd, 2007, Twenty Major said:
Try using a site like http://www.bloglines.com
You can add loads of blog feeds and read them all in one window without ever having to visit another site for your IT boffins to notice.
you were just mentioned on seoige and o’shea. Grainne wanted to know who you are. You might have an “in” there twenty. Good luck.
Dale, said he was going to share a joke with us, I wonder what happened to him and it?????
hear the one about the architect who had his house made backwards so he could watch the telly?
Okay I’ll explain. I was that housemaid.
This one you can work out yourselves. A man was walking through Glasnevin Cemetery. Another man walked up and said ‘Have you got the time there?’ The first man looks and says, ‘What do you think I am? A baseball bat?’
There’s a BJ for the the first one who can explain it.
Orla – you need to give a prize that people might be interested in.
You didn’t work it out then? I’ll give you a clue. The BJ isn’t a blow job (as if).
And a deathly silence descended… Jesus. What happened to Irish wit?
Ass Wednesday is Catholic penance for killing Jesus, walking around looking silly with a bit of dirt on yer head. This is also added to the bad dress sense and confused sexual habits (up the bum no babies)
No wait the Jews killed our Lord, looks like Catholics are just fucked then.
I’m having the same problem as carlisle (8) – ever since the new format. Not a problem on any other blog sites.
I thought it was the drink causing it
In class one day the teacher asked if any of the kiddies could make a sentence that correctly included the word “contagious”.
Little Patrick put his hand up.
“Yes Patrick, come out the front of the class and tell us your sentence.”
“Well Miss, my dad said last night that our next door neighbour is painting his house with a paint brush.”
“Yes Patrick, go on.”
“He said if he’s using a brush, it’ll take the contagious!”
I need someone to explain Orla’s joke. I don’t get it wailywailywaily.
If God saves, what’s he saving for
he’ s saving up to be a scientologist
Ass wednesday eh ? catholics with bums on their foreheads….