Countdown to the next election
Posted on | January 9, 2007 | 9 Comments
Sometime before July there’ll be a general election. As many of you will realise politics is my first love and I have spent hours poring over facts and figures, precedents, rhetoric and party strategy and campaign tactics to produce what I believe to be the definitive guide to the next election in Ireland.
So without further ado, here it is:
January 07: Fine Gael launch an advertising campaign highlighting the failures of government citing the poor state of the health service, increasing transport problems throughout the country, high prices and high taxes and the government’s inability to tackle serious crime. Enda Kenny appears on talk shows up and down the country and although he’s still a bit wooden he speaks well and makes sense.
Labour sort of shuffle around in the background looking at their feet. The PDs say nothing. The Greens declare a war on cars and promise free bicycles to everyone if they get into power.
Conor Lenihan is caught in a Sunday World sting driving a truck full of Sudanese refugees off the ferry in Rosslare. He claims they are a gospel choir hired to perform at a memorial service for Charles Haughey. Meanwhile Noel Ahern calls women ‘Milk machines for the babies of Ireland’ drawing condemnation from pretty much everyone except Claire Byrne.
Taoiseach Bertie Ahern rejects calls from opposition leaders for both members to resign saying ‘It’s none of their feckin’ business what they do’.
End of month polls see Fine Gael gain 1 to 28, Fianna Fail stay steady at 40, Labour at 11, Sinn Fein at 7, the Greens at 4, PDs at 3 and Independents/Others at 8.
February 07: After 34 gangland murders in Dublin in the first 3 days of the month the opposition accuses Minister for Justice Michael McDowell as being ‘as soft as Scarlett Johannson’s dirty pillows’ on crime. The PD leader says it’s not his fault and lays the blame squarely on middle-class recreational drug users saying if it wasn’t for them there’d be nobody to buy it.
Bertie Ahern agrees and threatens to plunge the country into recession unless people from Foxrock and Rathgar stop buying cocaine for their dinner parties. ‘Maybe then you’ll appreciate everything we’ve done for you feckless eejits’, he says.
Fine Gael promise to cut waiting time in hospitals, an end to people being treated in corridors and better pay and shorter working hours for nurses and doctors.
Labour look like they’re going to say something but in the end they don’t. Sinn Fein say they would have no problem being part of a coalition government with Fianna Fail. Gerry Adams says ‘Me and Bertie go way back’. Bertie says he’d have no problems sharing power with Sinn Fein who have ‘been grand since they stopped all that blowing people up and stuff’.
End of month polls see Fianna Fail gain 2, Fine Gael drop 2, the PDs drop 2 to just 1% while new Independent candidate for Dublin South Central, Eamon Dunphy, makes huge inroads with his free grass for arthritis sufferers manifesto.
March 07: Transport Minister Martin Cullen rejects calls for his resignation as traffic in Dublin grinds to a standstill. It now takes an average of 4 hours to get from the airport to just beyond the M50 toll bridge, LUAS fares increase by €2 a journey at rush hour times to deter passengers while Dublin Bus says it needs another 200 buses to make any impact on people taking their cars to work. The minister says his revolutionary plan of introducing horse and carriage lanes to every major road in the country will see a huge improvement in traffic by 2087.
Pat Rabbite launches a broadside at Mary Harney for the state of the health service after it’s revealed that 4 old aged pensioners died in a cupboard at Beaumont Hospital after staff forgot they were in there. An Irish Sun investigation also reveals that many nurses are being hired from the Asian sub-continent and have no training. A number of the nurses then expose their dirty pillows on page 3.
Enda Kenny appears on RTE’s Six-one news and all the media training looks like it’s paying off as he appears charismatic, informed and conscientious, promising to make things better if Fine Gael are elected. On the same bulletin Sean Haughey is accused of killing a small boy by repeatedly running over him with his car before taking the body up in one of his helicopters and dumping him into the Irish Sea.
Bertie Ahern defends his colleague saying “If there’s no body then you can’t prove anything. Anyway, it’s none of your business who he kills in his private life. Next you’ll be wanting to know who he killed for his communion.”
The opinion polls at the end of the month show a three point gain for Fianna Fail, Fine Gael drop another two while the PDs are down to half a point.
April 07: The month starts well for Bertie Ahern as accusations that he took a £12,000 gift in 1992 from Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson are proved to be incorrect. “It was only £7,500, so shove it up your holes. I didn’t even get a sandwich”, he says.
In a charm offensive Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny appears on Podge and Rodge and puts the two filthy puppets in their place no matter how hard they try to wind him up. Also in a sensational interview with George Hook on Newstalk 106 he lambastes the government for their performance, the cronyism, back handers and nepotism the country has suffered. “I won’t give people jobs because they’re my friends”, he says, “I’ll give them jobs because they’re the best people for the jobs”. Even the Churchill dog Hook applauds at the end and says “Oohhhrrrr yyyessss!!
The Green party make some headway with their plan to build a wind farm where Coolock now stands, Labour hold a Proinsias de Rossa lookalike competition, Michael McDowell says his party are just misunderstood when he orders Gardai to arrest and crucify Nigerian refugee Kunle as a ‘deterrent to other darkies’, Sinn Fein support increases in areas in the country with poor educational standards but a willingness to sing rebel songs even if they don’t really know what they all mean while Dunphy’s campaign appears to be failing after he’s challenged in Dublin South Central by former In Tua Nua singer Leslie Dowdall who is running on the ‘Let’s have Damien Rice made illegal’ ticket.
Late in the month it’s discovered that Charlie McCreevy is a crack addict and big time drug runner moving kilos of cocaine through a network of Latvian criminals all over the country. McCreevy appears on TV, cries a bit, says he knows he’s let everyone down and he’ll do his best, by God, to make it up to everyone.
Refusing to condemn his friend the Taoiseach says “Yiz are full of shite. It’s not like he had his house painted for free or anything like that. Youse are all thick an’ all an anyways. What drugs he bought with his confirmation money are none of your business.”
At the end of the month Fianna Fail move up another 4 points at the expense of Fine Gael, Labour stand still to stand still, the Greens move up 2 while the PDs are down to .2 of a point.
May 07: Thousands of jobs are lost and business leaders warn that Dublin will no longer attract new investment due to the transport problems. Doctors and nurses go on strike but the government call in the army. Hospital deaths increase by 980%. Mary Harney claims it’s a triumph as waiting lists are drastically cut. An Irish Daily Mail investigation shows people are staying at home to perform surgery on themselves with the help of Wikipedia and back street Sicilian surgeons.
95 gangland killings take place at Liffey Valley shopping centre alone and Sinn Fein blow up the Spire on O’Connell Street saying something about Ian Paisley and landlords and that they were basically fed up being good and nobody should begrudge them a bit of an explosion because they haven’t exploded anything for ages like.
Fine Gael tour the country, Enda Kenny kisses more babies than any politician has ever kissed before and gets chicken pox for his troubles. His dogged resistance to scratching the sores makes him lots of new friends and his promise to get tough on crime is welcomed by the whole country.
The Sunday Independent runs an exclusive interview with Michael Flatley’s ex, Lisa Murphy, and she reveals that her new love is Minister for Social and Family Affairs Seamus Brennan. In a no holds barred exposé with Barry Egan she tells how the two are in love and how Brennan loves to poo on her chest before making his children watch as he shoots his load all over her face. Egan cums in his pants describing her as the most beautiful woman in Ireland. Grainne Seoige throws a hissy fit.
Despite the scandal Fianna Fail gain another 3 points, Fine Gael go up one but that’s only because Dublin South Central is all open after Eamon Dunphy murders Leslie Dowdall before hanging himself in an auto-erotic asphyxisation incident in the Westbury Hotel. A poster of Roy Keane from the inside of FourFourTwo magazine is found close by. The PDs are down to .1 of a point after the health service problems and Michael McDowell tells Miriam O’Callaghan he’d like to ‘sup from your furry cup’ when he thinks his mic is off during a Prime Time interview.
June 07: The Taoiseach announces the date of the election as July 1st. “Vote or fuck off you pack of snivelling shitbags”, he says.
Final campaigning sees all parties going all out. The Labour party call a press conference in the Mont Clare hotel but don’t turn up. Instead they go for the sympathy vote sending a handicapped man to issue a press release which is a blank piece of paper with the party logo on the top. The press corps say it’s the party’s best performance in years.
Sinn Fein say they’ll bring about a united Ireland even if it means they have to kill all the protestants in the 32 counties to do it, the Greens claim to have invented a hovering space car which runs on recycled waste but say it won’t be available until after they get a few seats in, Jackie Healy Rae sets up the Big Bogman Cloth Cap party which rounds up all the Independents but they tell Mildred Fox they’d rather bring Margaret Thatcher into the party when she phones up and begs to be involved.
After it’s revealed 356 dangerous criminals failed to return to prison after being let out to see that cunt who won Australian Idol’s sell out concert in Slane and that hospitals were using pigs’ blood during complicated surgery on the orders of the Minister for Health the PDs don’t even score on the charts but are confident that at least their mums will vote for them.
Fine Gael pull out all the stops. Enda Kenny is transformed into a witty, engaging character. An honest, believable politician. He promises more Gardai and a government that will be tough on crime. He reveals a foolproof blueprint to ressucitate the health service, promises free medical and dental care to everyone and 24 hour GPs while many drugs will no longer require a prescription and can be bought over the counter.
He announces metro systems for Dublin and Cork that will be built in two years for a fraction of the cost of the one currently planned and he reveals a massive expansion of the rail network throughout the country as well as a massive reduction in ticket prices. He also unveils his plan to slash income taxes, cut government duty on alcohol and cigarettes, abolishes stamp duty and all stealth taxes, buys back Aer Lingus and provides free air travel for life to every citizen and promises that the weather in Ireland will be as good as the south of Spain.
Meanwhile the Star on Sunday exposes Bertie Ahern’s involvement in a paedophile ring which claims the lives of thousands of young boys each year and through which he has been paid millions of euros into a bank account he never had. Shocking photo evidence shows the Taoiseach sodomising a nine year old boy while giving him a reach around as the corpses of five other children lie on the floor having been worn out and shot through the back of the head by the crazed leader, off his face on Charlie McCreevy’s coke, while Ivor Callely and Brian Cowen pleasure each other with baby oil and Mary Hanafin and Willie O’Dea thrash each other senseless to sate their S&M desires.
“Let he who hasn’t snorted cocaine off the back of a small boy while pounding his arse and being rimmed by the small boy’s brother cast the first stone”, says a defiant Taoiseach on Morning Ireland. “I don’t have to tell you which boys I fucked on their communion days.”
The last poll before the election shows Fianna Fail up 20 points, Fine Gael down 19, the PDs are out of sight and out of mind, most people have copped on about the Greens, the Celtic fans are still up for Sinn Fein, the Labour party are, as always, steady as a rock, and the Big Bogman Cloth Cap party looks set win 7 seats though nobody is quite sure why.
July 07: Election day. Bertie Ahern turns up with a big wad of cash shouting “LOADSAMONEY” and a t-shirt saying “Is your son missing? I bet I know where he is.”
Fianna Fail win by a landslide. Everyone says it’s a disgrace and nobody admits voting for them.
Martial law is introduced in late July and Donegal is turned into an internment camp. Enda Kenny resigns and moves to the South of France where he becomes manager of Monaco, leading them to Champions League glory the following season.
Life goes on, the people get screwed, nothing changes.
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9 Responses to “Countdown to the next election”
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March 4th, 2007 @ 12:10 pm
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March 4th, 2007 @ 5:23 pm
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March 5th, 2007 @ 10:38 am
As a Celtic fan, I’d be more likely to vote for that evil sperm doner party, the PDs, than those republican cunts.
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Fight the facists!!
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