Not in my pub

Posted in Old blogger, de-punz by Twenty Major on November 22nd, 2006

So there we were in Ron’s last night, watching a bit of football, drinking some pints of Guinness, discussing important political and socialogical matters and generally being high-brow and erudite and not at all awful when in walked Stan Ridgeway.

“Hey, aren’t you Stan Ridgeway who had a big hit with that song ‘Camouflage’ then disappeared never to be hear of again?”, asked Stinking Pete.

“I certainly am, you big marine”, said Stan before ordering a pint for himself. A few moments later he stood up and said, “Excuse me, fellas. Nature calls. I’ve got to go logging, if you catch my drift!”

And off he went. When he came back he skulled his pint and left without so much as a word.

“How odd”, said Ron and turned his attention to the football.

Not 20 minutes later in walked the lead singer from The Buggles and he ordered a Jack Daniels and coke.

“Hey!”, said Dirty Dave, “if video killed the radio star the internet has like ..erm… double killed and eviscerated the video star!”

“True enough”, said the lead singer of The Buggles before adding, “Every time I drink a Jack Daniels and coke my bowels clench like I’ve been out on the pints and curry. If you’ll excuse me I’d better go to the men’s room because I’m touching cloth here.”

He came back, finished his drink and fucked off again.

“That’s very strange and a bit annoying”, said Ron who was happy enough because Celtic were beating Manchester United. It’s not that he’s a Celtic fan but he hates Manchester United.

About half an hour after that the door opened again and who walked in only Oran ‘juice’ Jones.

“Hey, Oran ‘Juice’ Jones”, cried Dirty Dave, “it’s a shame you’re not with some friend of yours on a wet night because then I could say ‘I saw you (and him) walking in the rain!’”

“Christ, Dave. Is that the best you could come up with?”

“Not to worry”, said Oran ‘Juice’ Jones, “I hear it all the time. Now, can I have a pint of Guinness and a shot of Middleton’s please?”

Ron gave him his drink and we sat around shooting the breeze, as you do. Then Oran ‘Juice’ Jones said, “I love Guinness but it doesn’t half go through me. I’m off to the jacks to give birth to a brown baby boy!”

So off he went, did what he had to do, then quickly finished his drinks and left. Not even a ‘See ya, lads!”, the rude fucker.

“Right, that’s it!”, said Ron. I’m sick of those fuckers coming in here and taking advantage. From now on those fuckers are barred.”

“Which fuckers?”, asked Pete.

Ron looked at him like he was Wayne Rooney’s scrotum.

“Those fuckers, Pete. Those one shit wonders.”