Archive for September, 2006
Dublin panto season…
by Twenty Major on September 30th, 2006
…is going to be fun this time around.
Click for big. Hi-res version also available.
An entrepreneurial shagger
by Twenty Major on September 29th, 2006
When I realised it was the blog’s birthday last evening I went down to Ron’s for a few pints.
“Evening lads”, I said to the assembled crew at the bar. “What are you having?”
Guinness for me, Jimmy, Splodge, Lucky Luciano, Dirty Dave and a bottle of Satzebrau for Stinking Pete, as it turned out.
“What’s the occasion?”, asked the pils drinker
“Birthday”, I said.
“But your birthday isn’t in September.”
“The birthday of my blog, Stinking Pete. Not my real birthday.”
“Oooooooh”, he said tweaking his nipples. “Your blog’s birthday. How old is your blog?”, he asked saying the word ‘blog’ like Hitler said the word ‘jew’.
“Two years old”
“Ooooh, two years old”, he said tweaking his nipples and speaking in a high-pitched voice, “aren’t you the entrepreneurial shagger?!”
“The what?”
“The entrepreneurial shagger!”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“You know. One of them shaggers who goes around doing stuff…entrepreneurialy. Look at your shoes and your pants and stuff. Only an entrepreneurial shagger would wear stuff like that.”
“Pete, do you have any idea what your on about?”
“Of course. Them entrepreneurial shaggers have been ruining my life for years and now you’re one of them.”
“Look, it’s not uncommon for me not to have the faintest idea what you’re talking about but you reached new heights/hit new lows here, Stinking Pete.”
“Ahhh, a typical entrepreneurial shagger response.”
He went off to the other end of the bar muttering to himself then. He picked up the Evening Herald and looked at the pictures for a while. A few minutes later he came back over.
“Sorry, Twenty. Cheers for the beer and happy birthday to your blog. I didn’t mean what I said. You’re not an entrepreneurial shagger at all”.
“Fair enough, Pete. No worries”.
“You’re a fucking cunt, Twenty. A proper fucking cunt”.
“I know, Pete. I know.”
Ooooh…
by Twenty Major on September 28th, 2006
…I completely forgot about it but this blog is two years old today. That’s nearly 8 times longer than your average Big Brother contestant’s TV career.
I had better go and have some pints to celebrate.
Shove your organic clothes up your hole
by Twenty Major on September 28th, 2006
I was listening to the radio the other day and there was this woman on talking about organic clothes. No, really.
She said that the various chemicals they use in cheap clothing, especially in cotton, has a terrible effect on the environment. Something like twenty-five percent of the insecticides used globally go on cotton plants, which are then made into your t-shirts, underwear, shirts and other ‘disposable’ clothing that you can buy cheaply in shops all over the world.
She suggested that in order to care for the environment we should buy ‘organic’ clothes. Lots of companies are now launching ranges of organic clothes. She gave the example of one vest, made from organic cotton, costing €250.
HAHA! €250 for a fucking vest. She tried to say that because the clothes were higher quality than the cheap stuff it would last longer and end up being better value for money. What a load of shit. €250 on a vest! Are they mad?
That would be like spending more than €15 getting a hair cut or anything over €100 on footwear.
Anyway, she overlooked an important point. The cheap clothes, when you’ve finished with them, can be recycled and given to poor people who can’t afford to buy new clothes let alone €250 organic vests.
And after seeing that Al Gore film I’m determined to do my bit to destroy the environment so I’m going to buy a hundred cotton t-shirts tomorrow, really fucking cheap ones, then I’m going to go give them to homeless people. I might have a catchy slogan put on the front like “I have nits!” or “If you can smell me without vomiting there’s something wrong with your sense of smell”.
Organic clothing. Fucking hell. What next? Organic toilet paper? Organic children? Organic battered sausage and chips? The world has gone organic mad and I won’t stand for it.
“Oh, but think of the next generations!”, those organic loving cuntbutlers say.
“Did the previous generations think of us when they invented damaging things like cigarettes, cocaine, leaded petrol, Israelis, cholesterol and jazz music? No they did not so you should shut your fucking mouth and fuck off”, I reply.
I’m right though. The greatest gift we can give to our children is a big fucking mess for them to clean up. It keeps them occupied.
Resign Ahern, you cunt
by Twenty Major on September 27th, 2006
So the Taoiseach received £40,000 from friends but he says he had ‘broken no codes - ethical, tax, legal or otherwise’.
Apparently he always regarded them as a ‘debt of honour’ that he would repay with interest. To date he hasn’t repaid any of the money or any of the interest.
He said he accepted the money to provide for his children’s education which, I have to admit, is right up there with the buying Christmas presents for orphans excuse. The man was a government minister for fuck’s sake. Hardly a poorly paid job.
He span a sob story about all the bills he had to pay but, you know, we all have bills to pay. We all struggle at times and if we do we go to a bank and get a loan and we repay the loan and the interest or we end up in worse trouble than we were in before. We don’t all have consortia of businessman friends who will provide us with money and allow us go 13 years without paying any of it back.
But maybe we’re being too cynical. There’s no reason why these people people got together to provide a loan to the Minister for Finance beyond mere friendship.
I can just imagine Des Richardson ringing around.
“Hey, Dave McKenna! Poor old Bertie appears to be having a hard time. Would you like to contribute something to a loan we’re going to give him that he’s never going to pay back just because he’s our good old pal? You would! I thought so. What a wonderful altruistic bunch we are. Thanks a million, I’m going to ring around some other people you don’t know at all to see if they’ll give some money too. Bye, Dave, you generous, not looking for anything in return fella!”
Check out Gavin’s blog who has some info about his generous benefactors, as do the folk at Irish Election.
Let’s remember that Bertie is the man who stood at the funeral of this country’s biggest ever political crook and conman and lauded him like he was the greatest man to have ever walked. Now, I don’t expect him to speak badly of a man at his funeral, no matter what his past, but to try and paint a different picture of a politician who lived the high life, paid for by the people of Ireland, while the rest of us suffered was just offensive. We were supposed to forget because he was dead? Bollocks to that.
Let’s also remember that Ahern shafted Junior Transport Minister, Ivor Callely, because a building contractor involved in public contracts had painted his house for free in the early 90s.
Now, we’re supposed to think that it’s not ok for someone to paint your house but it is ok to accept payments of £40,000 because his children needed an education? They could have gone to a public school, couldn’t they? They could have gone to a VEC post Leaving Cert, couldn’t they? Did they really need money to pay for their education when there were plenty of alternatives available to a man who claimed to be in dire straits financially?
Of course not. The whole thing stinks of bullshit. All of it. I don’t believe a word he says. If you can’t afford a private school then you send your kids somewhere else. You don’t borrow money from a group of ‘friends’.
When the first whispers of this emerged last week the leader of our country said:
I’m not answering what I got for my holy communion money, my confirmation money, what I got for my birthday, what I got for anything else. What I got personally in my life, to be frank with you, is none of your business.
It’s scandalous. He is a public figure. He is the elected leader of the country and to be frank with you what he got personally is our business especially given the history of his political party.
If there was nothing wrong about the situation he would have addressed it there and then. Definitively. Without raising further suspicions by refusing to answer legitimate questions about money he had received.
It has taken him too long to concoct the bollocks story he’s given us. I don’t believe him. I don’t believe his story. I’m now sick to the fucking back teeth of the horseshit we’re fed week in week out by this government who consistently fuck us all in the arse with absolute impunity and have steadfastly remained exempt from punishment. They do what they want and the consequences are almost non-existent.
I’ve said it before. It’s our own fault. The fact people have a few bob to spend these days means they’ll put up with being ripped off for beer, for cigarettes, for clothes, for groceries, for services, ripped off driving from one side of Dublin to the other, watching the fat cats get fatter and fatter. Our fault entirely.
I hope what this does though is show people the real picture. This government is a fucking disgrace from top to bottom. And now we’ve seen why. If this is the leadership - belligerent, obnoxious and too far removed from the common man - then how the fuck can we expect anything different.
Time to resign, Bertie. They used to call you Teflon. Now the shit is beginning to stick and not before time.
Bertie is a great example to us all
by Twenty Major on September 26th, 2006
So the Taoiseach has remained tight lipped about the money he is alleged to have received despite lots of people suggesting he really ought to make a statement about it. He might say something later today. Or tomorrow. Or he might not.
Let’s face it the longer it goes on without him saying anything the more suspicious it looks. If there was nothing to hide then he’d just come out and say ‘This is what happened, this is why it doesn’t break any rules and now you can trust me as the leader of the country and not think I’m just a typical spiv politician taking back-handers here, there and everywhere’.
What’s the delay for? Is it to think up a really good story?
“What happened was I was just standing around outside the Spar and this bloke came up and just gave me the money. Honest. He said he had too much and he didn’t want it back or he didn’t want any favours, political or otherwise, for it. And that’s it. I swear. I never seen him before and I never seen him after. I used the money to buy Christmas presents for orphans. Cross me heart.”
In one way though I’m happy he’s gone down the road he has. Next time the Gardai catch me with a suitcase full of unmarked, non-consecutive bills and ask me where I got them, I’ll just say “I’m not answering what I got for my holy communion money, my confirmation money, what I got for my birthday, what I got for anything else. What I got personally in my life, to be frank with you, is none of your business”.
This is the example the leader of our country is setting. What a man he is. Truly he will go down in history as one of Ireland’s greatest statesmen.
“Did you kill that man?”
“I’m not answering who I killed on my communion day, my confirmation day, my birthday or any other day”.
“Is that your shipment of cocaine we discovered?”
“I’m not answering what cocaine I smuggled on my communion, for my confirmation, for my birthday….”
If it’s all right for the politicians then it’s surely all right for the rest of us.
Jehova’s Witnesses are cunts
by Twenty Major on September 25th, 2006
I read in the Sunday Times yesterday that the Jehovah’s Witness congregation in Dublin are thinking about suing the Coombe Hospital over the decision to give a woman a life saving blood transplant.
What a pack of cunts. Of course they’re perfectly entitled to their beliefs, however fucking stupid they are, but what kind of people are you dealing with when they consider legal action in a case like this?
She lost huge amounts of blood giving birth to her child and without the transfusion she would have died. Now, she gets to see her son. She gets to nurse her son. She gets to bring him up, to teach him things, to enjoy all the things that a mother and son should enjoy and this bunch of cunts is thinking about suing.
Wankers. You’re dealing with a different mindset, people indoctrinated into what is little more than a cult. Look at the expressionless faces and soulless eyes of the young men that call to your door or stop you on the street in their white shirts with their name badges and their hair perfectly side-parted. They’re so polite but inside they’re dead. They feel nothing. And their slacks are just awful.
Personally I think they should have just let her die. If someone is willing to put their ridiculous religious beliefs ahead of the welfare of their child then they’re not much of a person, in my opinion.
I remember a case a few years ago when a child was given a blood transfusion against the will of her parents who would have watched her die because they’re so fucking stupid they think the bible is real. That what it teaches is real. That by following their interpretation of it they’ll end up in heaven which is as real as place as Middle Earth or Never Never Land.
If the High Court really had the best interests of the child at heart they’d have let the mother die then deported/executed any other relatives of that persuasion. Then the child might have been placed in foster care and brought up to respect life and not in a sect that needlessly allows people to die (as opposed to religions who needlessly blow life up or needlessly torture life which isn’t the same life as their life).
Next time I see a Jehovah’s I’m going to hold him down and pour a beaker full of my own blood down his throat. Just for the laugh.
The Irish Mail on Sunday
by Twenty Major on September 24th, 2006
I never bought Ireland on Sunday but now that it’s changed to the Irish Mail on Sunday I’m going to double not buy it.
Fucking rag.
Quite simply the best thing ever
by Twenty Major on September 22nd, 2006
Been looking for this for ages.
Jamiroquai lead singer and world class cunt Jay Kay gets headbutted. The sound is a bit dodgy but there’s a very satisfying smack when he gets loafed. I could watch this for hours.
Actors, what a pack of cunts
by Twenty Major on September 22nd, 2006
There was a small, thankfully, article in the paper today about a group of young actors who performed a ‘play’ outside the Broadcasting Commission of Ireland. From what I can gather it was to protest about violence on TV or in films.
Of course we should listen to what they say because violence doesn’t happen in real life and only happens on TV and in video games so if we stopped violence on TV there’d be no violence at all. Fucking muppets. Couldn’t they have spent their rehearsal time doing something more productive like studying to learn another ‘craft’ besides acting which is for cunts.
I’m sure lots of you were subjected to the witless cuntery of those morons at the top of Grafton Street this summer. In their shitty ‘I can’t sew or darn or make clothes’ costumes they would stop people going about their day to day business and shriek:
“Halt, fine sir. Thou must experience a free performance of yon bard, William Shakespeare, in the very park this verily day, hey nonny nonny!!”
And they would leap around like the world’s gayest jester and try and hand you a flyer of some kind.
“Thou must experience my fist in thou fucking face”, I would think to myself as I ignored them, mindful of what the judge told me about thumping people on Grafton Street.
Don’t they have any shame? Don’t they know that trying to be zany is the worst thing anyone can do? How sad must their parents feel after trying to do right by their children only to find they’ve chosen a disgusting path in life. After all the advantages they’ve been given because their parents paid for them to go to Clongowes or Blackrock or Mount Anvil they throw it right back in their faces to take up a career which will see most of them earn their money waiting tables or washing dishes.
I fucking hate actors.