Suicide attempts
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on July 25th, 2006
“Jaysus, did hear about Noel Quinn?”, asked Dirty Dave.
“Naughty Noel Quinn or Notshot Noel Quinn?”, I asked in return.
“Notshot!”
Now, naughty Noel was a bit of a character. He was just like a naughty boy and would do things, even at his age, that most 10 year olds wouldn’t do. Like fling eggs and buses and do knick-knacks where he’d ring on someone’s doorbell and then run off.
Notshot Noel was the worst footballer I have ever seen in my life. When we were young we used to play on the same team and he always used to play, every week without fail, because his Dad, Quimface Quinn, was the manager. Noel was so bad that he’d make Kevin Kilbane look a decent player. Despite being a striker he hardly ever scored and if he did it was by accident. He once missed an open goal from 3 inches. He’s that bad.
“So what happened to Notshot?”
“The mad cunt only tried to kill himself.”
“Get out. What happened?”
“Well, he got a gun off his cousin, who’s a farmer somewhere in Meath and tried to shoot himself. He missed though.”
True story.
People that only try to kill themselves and don’t manage it are a bit shit though, aren’t they? If you really wanted to kill yourself there’s really no way you can fail. Overdose, gun in the mouth, hanging, jumping off a tall building, falling on your sword, cutting your genitals off then choking yourself to death on your own genitals, cyanide, slitting your wrists, being found dead under a tree after the BBC exposes you as a mole about the war in Iraq, over-exposure to Phil Collins singing ‘In the air’ tonight, the possibilities are endless.
Anyone who can’t top themself obviously is completely crap. If you can’t even do something as simple as kill yourself then you can fuck off.
And if you’re too rubbish at life to do that then you just need to embrace your hopelessness, go out and have a few pints, a large bag of chips and not worry anymore.
Anyone who has ‘attempted suicide’ more than once and is still around just needs to be put down. It’s best for all concerned.