Hot weather

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on July 19th, 2006

Another tsunami, hot weather in Dublin, surely Armaggedon can’t be too far away. Seriously though, the heat is wrecking people’s heads. What little ability they had to think clearly beforehand has been well and truly wiped out.

Take this exchange between Dirty Dave and Stinking Pete last night, for example:

“Here Stinking Pete, have you noticed anything unusual about your bowel movements lately?”

“Erm, I’m not sure, Dirty Dave. I always have a good look behind me when I’m finished and it’s been a long time since I saw any worms.”

“No, not that. More the consistency of your stool.”

“Well, I go every morning at 10 and every evening at 7.15. Regular as clockwork, so I am.”

“No, I don’t mean that. It’s just that with this hot weather and all I think my shite is melting while it’s still inside me.”

“Really, what makes you say that?”

“Well, instead of being long logs of shite I’m spraying liquid every time I sit down. Like last night I was walking home and I felt like I had to fart but it felt like my ring-piece was opening too much for a fart and there was the very definite danger of following through. And as I was wearing me nice white linen pants that would not have been good.”

“Wow. I never thought about that before but I suppose it makes sense. I mean, if you put a chocolate bar down your t-shirt and went out in the sun it would surely melt so there’s no reason while the waste matter inside you wouldn’t melt either.”

“Exactly. To take it a step further imagine the shite as chocolate, your bowel as a saucepan the sun as the flame from your gas hob underneath it. The sun would melt the chocolate so it’s obvious that the sun is cooking our shite too.”

“Fucking hell. You’re some man.”

“Here, do you reckon the sun would make your piss warmer too?”

“Only one way to find out. Ron, give us a pint glass there, will ya?”

The arrival of autumn can’t come too soon.