Monthly Archives: July 2006
Apologising
Having to apologise when you don’t really mean is a pain in the arse. Like if you sent somebody an email from your work address and called them a cunt then the cunt publishes the email on his website and … Continue reading
The Tour de France needs more drugs, not less…
Oooh, the winner of the Tour de France tested positive for drugs. The sport is weeping as it was doing so much to clean up its image. People are devestated. People are fucking fools. I’m sure most of us have … Continue reading
Die you M50 cunts. Just die
We don’t need extra lanes. We don’t need a spaghetti junction. We don’t need a dedicated lane for people driving from Ballymount to the N4. We just need you to take away the cunting toll bridge which is the cause … Continue reading
Just answer the question
I do hate conversations like this. “How far is it to X place?” “Ooooh, I’d say it’s a good 45 minutes.” Now, the first thing I would say is that I did not ask you how long it would take … Continue reading
Have yourselves a ‘cunt in’, cunts.
Watching the news last night and I saw our old chums the Irish Palestine Solidarity Campaign protesting outside the Israeli embassy in Dublin. You might remember these are the same people who couldn’t tell the difference between a Palestine Arab … Continue reading
Suicide attempts
“Jaysus, did hear about Noel Quinn?”, asked Dirty Dave. “Naughty Noel Quinn or Notshot Noel Quinn?”, I asked in return. “Notshot!” Now, naughty Noel was a bit of a character. He was just like a naughty boy and would do … Continue reading
Stupid questions
Stinking Pete came over the other night to have a few drinks and watch a fillum. All the new stuff is pretty crap so it was an old classic, ‘Blazing saddles’. The titles come up and Pete asks “Is Technicolor© … Continue reading
You fucking fuckers
I really hate when you’re reading a book and enjoying the book and given the amount of pages remaining you think you’ve got loads to go then you discover that the last 20 pages are an ‘exclusive preview of [[author's]] … Continue reading
Extra value booze!
Most of you know that I love booze but there’s nothing better than going on the piss and waking up the next morning and still being drunk. It’s tremendous value. You’re drunk the night before and you’re drunk the next … Continue reading
Cut up method
I was reading about David Bowie the other week and it was interesting to discover his ‘cut up’ method for his lyrics. Basically he’d write a lot of lyrics, then cut them up into single lines, throw them all in … Continue reading
I was reading about David Bowie the other week and it was interesting to discover his ‘cut up’ method for his lyrics. Basically he’d write a lot of lyrics, then cut them up into single lines, throw them all in the air, take a lot of cocaine then put them back together randomly to find the lyrics for his songs.
For example,
I, I wish I could swim.
Like conger eels, like conger eels can swim
was quickly discarded when he found a piece of paper with the word dolphin on it.
So, I decided to do something similar but with booze instead of cocaine as drugs are bad, mmmkay and Derek the dealer was nowhere to be found. I wrote 10 blog posts and I’ll take a line from each one and put them together randomly. Here goes:
- I can remember as a small child looking out my bedroom window one night and seeing a cat underneath the tree in the garden and thinking it was a sabre-tooth tiger.
- Not long afterwards a quiet hush descended on the room as Stinking Pete let the loudest fart anybody had ever heard.
- “Yeah? Come over and say that you chicken shit piece of dog spunk”, I shouted as yer man ran shrieking out the back door.
- Twice as many people from Ghana revealed that they would rather listen to Wang Chung’s ‘Everybody have fun tonight’ than spend an hour in the company of former Boyzone star Shane Lynch.
- And with that the old man revealed to me the meaning of life, all the secrets of the universe and how to make an elixir which would bring eternal youth and I’ll tell you what it is on the very next line.
- I ask you, would you be able to get the image of MIchael McDowell gently opening Mary Harney’s flaps before sticking his forked tongue in and out of it while the Minister for Health made strange bleating noises?
– If I had to cast a live action Irish blogger’s version of the Muppets I’d hire Damien Mulley and Gavin Sheridan as Waldorf and Stadler – they’re not as grumpy as the originals but those Cork accents are just funny enough to make up for it.
- So first you get some butter, melt the butter, slap it on generously and then insert it into the obvious place making sure not to get it caught on any of the barbs as they can cause serious injury.
- “Get fucking cunted you cunting wankstained shit-eating, cock smoking, piss drinking, mutant faced cunthammering cuntbag fistoholic”, said the old lady to the small child.
- So, as you can see the way to solve the crisis in the middle-east is to send all fat people to live there after we’ve smeared them with coarse cut orange marmalade and dressed them up like the Artane Boy’s Band.
And there you have it. Maybe I need a tune to make it all work. The Laughing Gnome, perhaps?