Stab vests

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on June 20th, 2006

Emergency workers in Dublin could be issued with ’stab vests’ as the number of attacks on them increases. Apparently one fireman needed 35 stitches in his face after being hit with a bottle.

Outrageous. The only time you should bottle a fireman is if you come home and find him in bed with your wife. Or your teenage daughter. Or both at the same time.

Bottling somebody who’s been called out to try and put out a fire is more than a bit wrong. I can understand people attacking the police. It’s to do with the nature of their jobs but you really have to question the intelligence of somebody who attacks fire brigade or ambulance workers.

If you ask me the very least they should be issued with is tazers as well. If they’re trying to put out a fire or cut someone out of wreckage or piece somebody back together after a domestic dispute escalated into throwing somebody out of a window and they get attacked then they need to be able to defend themselves.

Those tazer things hurt like fuck apparently so they should taze their attacker in the eyes. Firstly the little spikes in their eyes would certainly smart and then when you ran an electric current through their eyes and into their teeny-tiny brains they’d think twice about attacking a fireman or ambulanceman again.

What would be even better is if they had a special suit which emitted a forcefield around it and when the oncoming skanger tried to get close to give them a smack they’d run into it and crash down like the poor old Silver Surfer every time he tried to escape from the Earth’s atmosphere.

Or we should create a scientific programme which harvests embryonic and adult stem cells (to keep everyone happy!) and look for the Manimal gene which would enable the emergency worker to mutate into a panther or a hawk and then savage or indeed poo on the attacker from a great height.

As people debate the morality of stem cells and the possibility of curing degenerative diseases they’re totally overlooking the cool stuff you could do. Like making a fireman turn into a big black cat.

Let the debate begin.