Twenty Major - Still smoking in Dublin bars

I’m thinking of running for Taoiseach as an independent candidate. As a man of means I would have no need to steal money from the people of Ireland and nobody could ever accuse me of living a lifestyle that I couldn’t afford.

I would bring strong leadership to a country that needs it and what better way to show it that banning things. Banning things is the true mark of a decisive leader. So as part of my upcoming campaign here are some of things I would ban.

1 - The accordian: An instrument played by cunts for cunts. Anyone found with an accordian will be beheaded.

2 - Chewing gum: Especially strawberry flavour but especially Nicorette gum. If you want to quit smoking there’s no need for you to take up a far more disgusting habit.

3 - The unholy trinity: Brian Kennedy, Damien Rice and David Grey will all be prohibited from creating any new music and any existing works will be exported at en masse to Iceland as punishment for Bjork.

4 - People who can’t speak English: You know, when I order something in a bar or a restaurant and ask for something in a shop and the person looks at me like I’m speaking in some kind of ‘click click beep beep’ language that’s a cross between R2D2 and a space alien I find it kind of frustrating.

If you want to work in a service industry it’s a good idea if you can understand WHAT THE FUCKING CUSTOMERS ARE SAYING TO YOU, YOU CUNT. So they’re banned and so are the minimum wage paying, scabby cunt bosses that hire them.

5 - Pigeons: Stop dive bombing me you fuckers. Banned.

6 - Reality TV: Television for cretins by cretins and starring cretins. The only reality TV show I would allow is one where anybody made famous by reality TV is put into a house to live with all the other z-list cunts and one by one the public votes for the one they want to put into a giant blender set up on College Green. The winner is the last one remaining and they’ll be pissed on, rubbed in their own shite and then blended just to make them feel extra special.

7 - Jennifer Lopez: Ireland has little enough sunshine as it is. We don’t need that bitch coming here and blocking it out with her giant arse.

8 - Shandy: Fuck off, you soft twat. Have a beer or have a lemonade. Don’t mix them.

9 - TV3 news: Instead they will be forced to broadcast a picture of an arse with a poo half in and half out. Children will be forced to watch as they will learn much more about the world than listening to Alan fucking Cuntwell and that Ursula Hannigan yoke.

10 - Free entry into Ireland: Anyone from outside Ireland who wants to come and live here will have to pay a €10,000 entry fee. As soon as they start to work they can claim it back in monthly installments. If they don’t work they don’t get anything. No social welfare, none of their entry fee back. Nothing.

If I have to reclassify Ireland as Europe’s largest theme park then that’s what I’ll fucking do.

So there’s 10 off the top of my head. Obviously there are plenty more so it’s over to you. Best suggestion gets a place in the cabinet as Minister of doing whatever they like.