Various things

by Twenty Major on May 22nd, 2006

Church of Ireland - go fuck yourselves. Their chief injun said about the Afghan hunger strikers who threatened to kill themselves by jumping off balconies and shoving sharpened toothbrushes in their eyes:

We had arrived at a set of proposals which were acceptable to the asylum seekers and which we felt offered a fair and equitable way forward for all parties. Unfortunately, this view was not shared by the Department of Justice.

Yeah, but here’s the thing. You don’t get to decide what’s acceptable. What’s acceptable to fuckers who say they’ll take their own lives in a church and what’s acceptable to normal people with are miles apart. They need to deport these cunts as soon as possible. They have given up the right to asylum in this country with their behaviour.

Anyone with half a brain knows that Afghan does not equal Taliban but we do know that hysterical cunt in a catherdal does not equal somebody who merits sympathy and help from the Irish people. If you’re willing to thrust a sharpened toothbrush into your own eye chances are I don’t want to buy a Big Mac from you.

In other news Brian Kennedy finished 10th in the Eurovsion song contest with some crazy fuckers from Finland winning the thing. Before the competition Kennedy said “There will be no sparkly boob tubes, no thigh boots and no whips.”

Not in public, anyway. When you consider the fact that Eimear Quinn, Johnny Logan, Paul Harrington and Charlie McGettigan, Niamh Kavanagh, and Linda Martin all disappeared into nothingness after winning the thing 10th place must surely mean Kennedy will turn into some kind of dust cloud or dissolve like the Wicked Witch of the West - and I don’t mean Mary Coughlan.

Please God let it happen before the cunt writes another book.

Kill yourselves then…

by Twenty Major on May 19th, 2006

…these Afghan hunger strikers are a fucking pain in the arse. Who cares if they die?

And can you imagine the fucking outrage if Christian hunger strikers tried something like this in a holy mosque in a Muslim country? If they rampage over a cartoon there’d be world war if something like this happened.

If they don’t hang themselves I say we shoot the cunts. It’d certainly make others think twice about trying this shit here again.

Turns out it wasn’t Absinthe…

by Twenty Major on May 19th, 2006

…Stinking Pete had to go to Serbia for some cheap cosmetic surgery and he brought back what he thought was a bottle of real Absinthe. Turns out it was rubbing alcohol with a bluey-green dye put in it.

I wasn’t unconscious for two days either, merely paralysed and unable to move lest my head explode. The next time someone says to me “I dare you to slug a whole pint of Absinthe” after I’d already had a rake of Guinness and gin I’m pretty sure I’m going to say no.

Pete is happy with his surgery though. He had always been very conscious of his large Manilowesque nose. Now he’s got two black eyes and a bandage on his face.

The doctors tell him it’s much better but we’re all hoping he had a sense of humour and fashioned some kind of trunk. We’ll wait and see.

I’m alive…

by Twenty Major on May 18th, 2006

…jesus, a guy can’t slip into a 2 day Absinthe related coma these days without endless speculation regarding his whereabouts. More tomorrow.

Say my name. Say my name.

by Twenty Major on May 16th, 2006

For a time in my life I lived in Paris in a rather swish apartment building in the St Germain district. I was there for various reasons, none of which were are very important or interesting now, but I wasn’t one of those wankers who went to Paris to write poems or other arty-farty bollocks like that.

Anyway, downstairs from me lived a rather portly man called Fernando. I met him on the first day I moved in as I lugged a couple of boxes up in the juddery old lift. At that time my French was terrible and he spoke reasonably good English in a very posh English accent. He welcomed me to the building and let me know that it was a quiet place and that was the way the residents liked it. I told him I understood and I’m not the kind of person to have parties in my own home.

To be honest I hate having people I don’t know in my home. It bothers me, but that’s besides the point.

I would run into Fernando a few times a month.

“Good morning, Fernando!”, I would say.

“Ahhh, good morning to you Henry”, he would say.

I never had the heart to tell him my name was ‘Twenty’, not ‘Henry’. This went on for the nearly 2 years I lived in that building. He’d call me Henry every time he saw me.

Anyway, my time there came to an end. As I was leaving the building for the final time I saw my neighbour coming in. As I said goodbye I told him that he’d been calling me by the wrong name the whole time.

“I’m not Henry, Fernando, my name is Twenty.”

“Funny you should say that. My name is Albert.”

True story.

Remake my arse

by Twenty Major on May 15th, 2006

Over the weekend, due to a dicky stomach and an inability to go out, I watched Assualt on Precinct 13 on one of the movie channels. I remember going to see the original one in the Carlton years and years ago and it was great.

Atmospheric, tense, exciting and with that wicked John Carpenter soundtrack. A bit of a classic really.

The version I saw was not atmospheric, not tense, not exciting and the music was instantly forgettable soundtrack shite. That fucking cunt Larry Fishburne from the Matrix was in it as well. He was very good as a stoned solider in Apocolypse Now but since those stupid Matrix films he seems to deliver every line like he’s imparting some piece of great knowledge that we just can’t live without. Newsflash, Larry: You’re not the wise old sage and you don’t drive around the ether in a gay submarine.

Gabriel Byrne was in it too. A good Dub, so he is, but fuck me he can’t do an American accent to save his life. Without going into a whole lot of detail it was absolute fucking shite and you have to wonder why they bother remaking films when they remake them worse. With all the technology, special effects, vast budgets and a blueprint of how to make a good film right in front of them you’d think they’d do better.

Miserable cunts. I think I’m going to do a remake of the bible. God knows it could do with a bit of spicing up. At the end I think I’ll get Jesus to jump off the cross and lightsaber the Roman soldiers to shite before taking a hovercraft down the mount where he will smite the pharisees with laser beams from his eyes. Then he’ll do Mary Magdelene like at the end of a James Bond film.

Might get some people back to the church.

Down with Snoop

by Twenty Major on May 14th, 2006

The British home office has banned rapper Snoop Doggy Dog from ever entering the UK again after a bit of a fracas in an airport lounge.

Bogus asylum seekers who rape and kill and murder while claiming benefits from the UK taxpayer are allowed stay and allowed to disappear without anyone knowing where they are. You can hijack a plane, divert it to Britain, cause a 36 hour stand-off surrounded by SAS men and armed police and still not get deported.

They must really not like his lyrics or something.

Time flies

by Twenty Major on May 13th, 2006

May 12th 4.34pm

“Twenty! How are ya? Haven’t seen you in ages!”

“Ahhh Jaysus, howya Pete. Fancy a quick pint?”

“Go on then. Just the one though, I have to be back home this evening for a party the missus is throwing.”

May 13th 10.21am

*opens eyes*

Ouch.

Amazing

by Twenty Major on May 12th, 2006

The Irish Independent has been voted National Newspaper of the Year in a prestigious awards ceremony in London.

In other news Jordan is crowned Brain of Britain, Mary Harney wins slimmer of the year while Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says “I was just kidding. I love Jews!”

Judge Brian Curtin can fuck off

by Twenty Major on May 12th, 2006

Judge Brian Curtin was targetted by Gardai in 2002 under Operation Amythest.

Judge Brian Curtin was at the receiving end of a search warrant and Gardai found 273 images of child pornography.

Judge Brian Curtin was lucky because the Gardai carried out the search one day after the search warrant had expired.

Judge Brian Curtin was found not guilty in court by another judge because the evidence could not be used in court because it was illegally obtained.

Judge Brian Curtin then stated he would not resign his position as judge because he was not guilty; albeit not guilty on a technicality.

Judge Brian Curtin remains suspended on full pay - more than €150,000 per year - paid for the by Irish taxpayers.

Judge Brian Curtin is preparing for an Oireachtas committee enquiry into his position.

Judge Brian Curtin’s solicitor pleaded for privacy yesterday, saying media intrustion into his client was “grossly unfair and hugely distressing.”

Judge Brian Curtin and his solicitor can both go and fuck themselves, the cunts.

What’s grossly unfair is that children all over the world are captured and forced and lured into a world of pornography which is beyond sick.

What’s grossly unfair is that people who are caught with images of child pornography often get away with saying “Oh, it was just a few pictures/I was doing research” and fucking gobshite idiot judges fine them few grand or give them a month or three in jail at the most when it’s their money, the money they spent on these pictures, which helps fund the ‘industry’.

What is hugely distressing is the thought of an eight year old boy being forced to suck off some man before another man anally rapes him while another man films it or takes pictures.

What is hugely distressing is the idea that a pre-pubescent girl can be stolen from her family, then drugged and forced to have sex with dozens of men all the while being filmed and photographed so the images can spread around the world like a virus and make money for the cunts, the disgusting sick filthy cunts, who have no compunction in taking from anyone who will pay it.

What is hugely distressing is a young boy or a young girl crying, weeping, begging, unable to understand why this is happening to them and the reason it’s happening is because people are willing to pay other people for their misfortune, for their pain, for their fear.

For me it’s grossly unfair and hugely distressing that somebody who had child pornography can get off on a technicality. It’s grossly unfair that these people are not punished more severely.

It’s hugely distressing that there seems to be, for whatever reason you might want to imagine yourself, a reluctance on the part of many judges to understand and put these crimes into perspective and dish out the appropriate sentences.

A few newspaper stories, the odd photographer and some journalists after you and you think that’s grossly unfair and hugely distressing, Judge Brian Curtin?

You don’t have the faintest idea.