I can’t be only person to hope that mumbling cunt David Blaine’s latest stunt goes horribly wrong, can I?
So far he has thrilled us all by standing still on top of a pole, standing still in a block of ice and doing his best big cat in a zoo impression in a see-through box in London. Now he’s going to stand still inside a giant bubble. Honestly, the excitement he generates is nothing short of spectacular.
Should he survive, and naturally it is a dangerous situation he’s in and not at all staged with every safety precaution in place, I have a few suggestions for his following stunts. He may not like them because some of them don’t involve standing still and doing nothing for a long time but perhaps one or two might tickle the fancy of the world’s laziest magician.
1 – The quick speech stunt: Anyone who has had the misfortune of listening to Blaine speak will know that he is a semi-coherent bore with the kind of drone that you would associate with a history professor who’s had some kind of stroke. For this stunt Blaine must spend 72 hours, standing still, in a box which is wired with plastic explosives. For the entire time he has to speak like a normal person, using intonation in his voice, pronouncing all his words clearly and sounding cheerful instead of like someone who just lost a winning €100m lottery ticket just after he was raped by an AIDS monkey. Should he fail to maintain this speech pattern the box explodes.
The beauty of this is that the box will be soundproofed so none of us have to listen to the cunt.
2 – The Middle East art stunt: A true test of his bravery. He goes to Iraq or Iran or even perhaps Pakistan and stands in the street with an easel, canvas and some paints. Via a satellite video link people instruct him to draw the most obscene paintings of the prophet Mohammed they can think of. Having previously been force fed then dosed with industrial strength laxitives he must pause ever 5 minutes to poo on the ground then use pages from the Koran to wipe his arse whilst singing “Born in the USA”.
His goal is to last a week.
3 – The Doolittle stunt: To demonstrate the power of the human mind to control animals Blaine is sent to a wildlife park to converse with the animals there. It’s Jurassic Park and he has to engage starving velociraptors in a debate regarding mankind’s overuse of fossil fuels whilst smeared in the blood of that fat postman guy from Seinfeld.
A boat will come back to pick him up in 3 months. Long enough for the wanker to starve to death if he has to hide up a tree.
4 – The GrayRice stunt: It has been proven scientifically that human endurance to Damien Rice’s ‘Can’t take my eyes off of you’ song is limited to 8.43 consecutive plays. David Gray’s ‘Sail away’ song is slightly more durable at 11.34 plays. However, if you play them both at a Spinal Taptastic 11 in volume at the same time it is something that only the strongest minds can resist.
Blaine will be placed in a room with as much food and drink as he needs. All mod cons. A toilet. A 3-seater leather couch. And those two songs playing at the same time over and over and over again. He must last 2 weeks without going insane. There is a sanctuary room from which he can escape the music but he can only go in there after taking a massive dose of PCP and firing up a chainsaw.
5 – The Irish bank holiday weekend stunt: As he loves standing still Blaine could come to Ireland on a bank holiday weekend and stand in the middle of a country road just around a blind corner. His task is to not get mown down by a boy racer in his Nissan Micra who is coming back from the the nightclub in the town 14 miles away having drunk 5 vodka and red bulls on top of a 7 pints of Guinness.
If he survives the night he’s moved to the Naas dual carriageway.
6 – The Blanchardstown magic stunt: Blaine takes to the streets of Blancardstown to perform his world renowned street magic. However, he can only do tricks on members of the various drug gangs and each time he finishes one he has to raise and longingly sniff his middle finger.
He then says “Mmmm, so good” and the scummer will ask “What is it?” and he has to reply “Your ma!”
He is allowed use his awesome power of levitation to get away. 100 tricks must be performed or he loses. The penalty for losing is to drink a mug full of Paris Hilton’s gee juice.
Will he have the balls to ever try some properly dangerous stunts? I think not. Let’s just hope his bubble bursts sooner rather than later.
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