Something I ate?

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on April 27th, 2006

I sat on the floor head in the toilet bowl.

“Bleeeeuurrrrggggh!”, I said as 500 cubic litres of vomit gushed forth. It took so long to get out I thought I was going to die because I couldn’t breath.

I flushed. Breathed deeply once or twice. Oh-oh…

“Bleeeeeuuuurrrrgggghaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!”, and once more enough puke to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool spewed out of me.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Then I wiped my forehead getting chunks on my face. Mmmmm, boooootiful.

Bastardface appeared at my side. He gave a little whine. Wine? Oh Jesus….

“Blarrraaarlllllaaaarrralllraalrlaraaarrrgh”, 86 pints.

“I’m not feeling the best, old friend”, I said when I lifted my head up. He looked at me with those big brown eyes, so full of compassion and understanding (even if he didn’t quite understand why I flushing perfectly good food down the toilet). He nudged me with his nose.

“Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllppppppphhhh”, went I as I vomited all over his head.

I think it must have been the Bird’s Eye crispy pancakes that had been in my freezer since 1989. I vaguely remember hearing the words of my dear old Mam as I searched for something to eat last night.

‘Oh, they only put expiry dates on things so you have to buy more, they’re just a general guide’.

“Huuuuurrrrrrrrrrrlllll”, and I’m sure there was a bit of poo in my vomit.

I had a shower, stuck Bastardface’s barf stained head underneath and washed him off, then curled up in a ball on my bed.

On the upside I’m now supermodel thin.