Good Friday

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on April 14th, 2006

*bring bring* *knockity knock*

“Ave, Jimmius The Bollixus. What a fine day it is in old Jerusalem.”

“Ave a tu, Twentius Majorus. Just coming around to see if you fancy a gourd of wine or two.”

“Fantasticus idea but I have to work later.”

“What a pain in the anusus. How come?”

“Oh, you know that fucking Agnus Dei, Jesus?”

“Ahh, I have heard of him, he’s not exactly compus mentis if you ask me.”

“Isn’t that the veritas. Anyway, old Romulus Murphy was supposed to be on today but his children have typhoid so I have to help crucify the fucker.”

“Infelictus, old chap. Why don’t you come around after? Stinkius Peticus and Dirtius Dave will be there too. In the Ovis Niger from about 8 o’clock, erm, us.”

“Grand! See you then.”

*some time later*

“Come on now, fella, I don’t want to whack you with this thing any more but you can’t just lie there. What? I know it’s fuckin’ heavy and I don’t envy you one little bit but if you don’t pick that cross up and get moving then I’m gonna get a bollocking from my boss and I know you wouldn’t want that to happen. I’m just doing me job, mate.

Good man, you’re very forgiving I have to say. I wouldn’t be half as nice as you about it. Listen, here’s what I’ll do but don’t fuckin’ let on I’m a soft touch or anything or I’ll spear you in the bollix. I’ll get someone to give you a hand with that thing for a while. A big strong African or something. Ahh, you’re welcome, son. In this heat you need it an’ all an’ anyway.

Here, you! Yeah, you there. What’s your name? Ok, Simon, come over here. Because I’m telling you to, that’s why. Look Simon, I’m having a pretty shitty day, all right? Don’t make me come over there because if I do I’m going to batter you. I just want you to give this lad a bit of a hand with his cross, he’s fuckin’ wrecked, look at him. What? How do you know that I won’t just leave you there and crucify you instead? Are you going around saying you’re the son of God and pissing off pharisees all over the shop, are you? No, then you’re safe enough, so shut the fuck up and come over here and carry this thing for a little bit. Good lad, wasn’t so hard, was it? I’ll give you the nod when it’s time to hand it back. On you go.

Right, yer man there’ll carry this for a little bit for you. Give you a chance to rest a bit. Here you there! What are you doing? Ok, you can wipe his face for all the difference it’ll make. Ok, off you go now. Women, eh? Read any good scriptures lately? Nah, me neither. It’s all just the same story done over and over at this stage, innit? There’s no new ideas at all. That hat must be fucking killing you…”

*some time later*

Wooo-hoooo, look at that. I’m after rolling two sixes. That’s a go on your sister for me, Spartacus. What? Fuck, you’re right, looks like rain. Amazing how quick it rolls in sometimes, eh? Best get inside. Let me just check on the lads. The two thieves are still up there roaring, yer other man’s had it though. Best off if you ask me. Fuckin’ harsh way to go. Them Jews stitched him up right and proper, eh? Nice of him to forgive us but we knew what we were doing. Like it was the first time we’d crucified someone! Pfffff, we’re hardly amateurs. Right, let’s get some shelter. I’m gettin’ soaked.”

*some time later*

“Ave, Twentius!”

“Ave, lads. Man, what a fucking day. The vox populi in one ear, the son of God in the other. Non facilis, non facilis. Get some overtime though so first round is on me. Ronicus, vinos all round!!”

*some time much, much later*

“Stinkius Peticus, you are a massive cunt but te amo. You an’ all, Jimmius, even you Dirtius. Yer me besht matesh, you know that? You know what? *hic* It started out shite but this has been a pretty Good Friday.”

“In vino veritas, Twentius, in vino veritas”.