Dirty Dave could get frostbite

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on April 13th, 2006

Dirty Dave hasn’t been feeling too well in recent months so he went to the hospital where they did all kinds of tests on him.

He reckons they took more blood than your typical American soldier in an Iraqi Mosque. He said they poked and prodded him, took samples of all his bodily fluids and at one point a doctor had to put his finger up his hole which he says was uncomfortable but strangely familiar (he’s totally blanked out his time in the Christian Brother run orphanage when he was just a kid).

So he came into Ron’s last night and gave us the latest.

“Guess what, lads?!”, he said enthusiastically.

“What, Dirty Dave?”, asked Jimmy the Bollix.

“Well, I’ve just been on to the hospital and they want me to go see a psychologist tomorrow because they reckon I could be bi-polar. Howdya like them apples?!!”

“Erm, those apples are fine, thanks, but sorry to hear about your condition.”

“Sorry? What for? It means I’m much better than you. You could only live at one or the other but I could live in the Arctic or the Antarctic.”

“Dave, you clown, bi-polar means you’re a manic depressive like John Denver who flew his plane into a mountain or 1970s Lois Lane actress Margot Kidder who once ripped all the skin off her legs and ate it.”

“Oh, that’s a bit shit. I don’t feel depressed though. Or manic.”

“That’s often the first symptom.”

“Bollocks. I’m depressed now.”

“Look Dave, relax. I’m sure it’s fine. Here, take these Joy Division and Leonard Cohen CDs, go home, drink some gin and relax. Oh, and could you mind this length of rope for me and these straight edged razor blades? Cheers, mate!”

And off he toddled into the night. I just tried ringing him but there’s no answer. He must have it on silent in the hospital waiting room.