Chop ‘em off
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on February 28th, 2006
“Twenty”, said Stinking Pete, “imagine you got captured by the Taliban.”
“Right, the Taliban. That’s unlikely.”
“Ok then, Al Qaeda or some other Northside vigilante group.”
“Right.”
“So you’re captured and they’re making you dress up like the bloke from scream crossed with a KKK bloke and they’re getting a dog to bark in your face and scare the crap out of you and generally they’re torturing the shite out of you.”
“Grand, I’m picturing the scene, Stinking Pete. Go on.”
“Ok, so after a while they offer you a deal. If you let them cut off one part of your body they’ll let you go free. Now, it can’t be hair or a fingernail or anything that normally stands a good cutting. Would you let them cut something off and if so what would it be?”
“I think you’re a bit fucking mad, Pete, so I do, but anyway. It’s an interesting question I have to say. Would a man sacrifice a part of his body to get away from the relentless suffering that a good old fashioned torturing at the hands of a bunch of nutters brings? Can we go the way of the animal caught in a trap who will gnaw, and that’s pronounced ‘guh-nauw’ by the way, his own leg off rather than remain constrained by the mechanical teeth which make him a victim and an easy target for passing predators? The need to escape. The fight or flight insinct. It’s very difficult to know how you would react, I suppose.”
“Yeah, yeah, but which part of your body would you let them cut off?”
“Hmmm, let me think. Obviously I need the essentials. Mickey, bollocks, legs and arms. I quite like having all my fingers and toes too. Vincent van Gogh got away with only having one ear but I like having two. Nose, nah. Eyelids - I once read that if you cut someone’s eyelids off they go insane and then they pull their own eyes out so I think I’d avoid that. Arse - well, I need my arse for sitting on and drinking pints. I mean drinking pints while I’m sitting, not that I’ve ever attempted to drink a pint with my arse. That would be silly. That really only leaves one option. I would let them cut off my right nipple. In fact, I might let them cut off my left nipple too. Let’s face it, nipples on men are pretty useless. We do not produce milk and if we were clever enough we’d have figured out how to express 12 year old Laphroig by now so I figure they’re going to remain useless for quite some time. Yep, for me that’s the way out. It might be a bit sore but it’s not going to be something that I’ll ever miss and perhaps giving them two bits of my body to cut off they might give me a couple of elastoplast to help them heal up as I make my way home.”
“I like your thinking, Twenty. You know what I’d get cut off?”
“Your enormous hunch? That freaky fucking white bubbly thing under your left eye which people who don’t know you very well can’t help staring at? Your sixth toe on your left foot, you Anne Boleyn looking freak? That ganglian on your inner-wrist? Your ‘outy’ belly button? That enormous wart on the end of your nose that makes you look like a witch?”
“Nah, don’t be silly now, Twenty. I’d have them lop off my tail.”