Speaking Irish

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on February 23rd, 2006

“So, Twenny”, said the American, “you’re Irish so why don’t you all speak Gaylick in this country?”

“Well, like most things that are wrong with Ireland it’s all the fault of the English. They basically took over the country, changed all the signposts into their language and sure we had to learn it to find out where we were going and to know we’d arrived when we got there.”

“But surely you could have gone back speaking Gaylick when you got rid of the English all those years ago.”

“Yes, I suppose we could have but at that stage people’s names had become English so it would have been a massive hassle. Not only that Irish became a compulsory subject in school and the quickest way to ensure young people hate something is by making them do it - apart from drinking flaggins of cider in the park, smoking or heavy petting (unless you’re forced to get off with an alocholic, chain smoking priest - and that’s not as unlikely as you may think). Then they made us read the book by Peig Sayers and she is single-handedly responsible for killing the Irish language.”

“So nobody at all speaks Gaylick in Ireland?”

“Oh yes, there are groups of people who speak it. They all live on an island off the coast of Galway and anyone who is caught speaking English is sent to live on the ‘mainland’, like a leper. Even talking in your sleep in English is forbidden.”

“My Gawd! They’re savages.”

“Not at all. When they do come to the mainland for their weekly shopping and day-trips to the Blachardstown centre they have great fun by going to a crowded cafeteria and whilst surrounded by non-Irish, sorry ‘Gaylick’, speakers they talk loudly about their physical imperfections and make acerbic comments about their lack of fashion sense or their purchases that day. They really have a huge advantage over us in that regard. Also, if they wish to advertise their wares or services on radio or tv stations they get a discount of up to 15%. Not only that the life expectancy of your average Gaylick speaker is far above that of anywhere else in Europe. Men can expect to live to around 145 years old whilst women hardly ever die before 160, making them the wrinkliest people on the planet apart from Sharpeis which aren’t even people. ”

“Wow, I did not know that. So do you speak any Gaylick, Twenny?”

“Not much. I used to be able to count to 10 but now I can only get to six. I can tell you to be quiet, to shut your mouth and to kiss my arse but I only really want to tell you the first two. I might be able to tell you I’m going to the shops but that’s about it.”

“What a shame that you don’t speak the native language of your country. It reflects badly on you as a person and on your nation as a whole that more people don’t speak it. That it’s taught badly is a disgrace. That’s it’s not encouraged is ludicrous and that there’s such a lack of pride in your past, your history, your very roots makes me sad and makes me think scornful thoughts of you.”

“Oh aye? Speak any fucking Apache then, do you? Thought not. Cunt.”