Story time

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on February 13th, 2006

“Did I ever tell you about the time I met Jack Nicholson?”, I asked Dirty Dave in Ron the Barman’s the other night.

“No, you never did, Twenty.”

“That’s because it’s a shit story.”

“Er, right…”

“What about the time I intercepted a set of instructions for the IRA leadership which led me to find a drugs cache which I sold to Dermot the Dealer and spent 4 months in the Carribean drinking rum cocktails and betting on cock fights?”

“No, you haven’t told me that one.”

“Bah, it’s boring. Have I ever mentioned the time in 1979 when, after a long session, myself and Jimmy the Bollix ended up in Nicargua having befriended one of the founders of the Sandinista rebels and spent 6 weeks fighting against the right wing National Guard and eventually overthrew their regime? There was hand to hand combat, we witnessed horrific acts of violence, saw more blood than Paris Hilton has seen cock and once the fighting was over there a 5 week party during which a thousand goats were slaughtered as sacrifice in the most hilarious way you can possibly imagine.”

“Ooooh, tell me more.”

“Nah, it’s rather dull. Tell me this, have I ever related to you the tale of 1998, not long after my act of sabotage on fat-arsed Brazilian Ronaldo ensured France won the World Cup and my spread betting cartel made enough money to retire three times over, when I was approached by a NASA scientist who begged me to a lead a mission into deep space as a newly discovered alien race was coming towards earth with the intention of making humans into slaves and food for their pets? Being the fearless leader I am I led this mission in a top secret craft which can travel through time, which is why nobody noticed I was missing, and we intercepted the alien fleet. I boarded their spaceship without even an oxygen mask and punched every single alien in the face until they died and that wasn’t easy as they didn’t have faces. On the way back to earth we got caught in a space storm and were catapulted down a wormhole to the dawn of time where I saw the creation of the universe itself and how it came into being. It allowed me to understand completely the reason for our existence and meaning of all life as we know it. With little fuel left I used the gravitational pull of the newly formed planets to steer the ship back into the wormhole and back to the earth. The the NASA people tried to wipe my memory with a Men in Black style machine but the radiation and space rays that had passed through my body made me immune to their nefarious technology and I can remember with perfect clarity everything about that adventure.”

“I’m sure I’d remember you telling me that. It sounds great. Let me get a pint in and you can tell me the rest.”

“Hmmm, it’s rather a vapid narrative now that I come to think about it.”

“Jaysus.”

“What about the time I went to Lenehans Hardware shop and they gave me back the change of a twenty even though I only gave them a tenner?”

“Nope.”

“Right, well it was a Saturday morning, as I recall, and I needed a new lock for the side gate ….”