Monthly Archives: January 2006

My Italian compassionate assassin chum Lucky Luciano isn’t so lucky twice a week when his wife makes him go to the cinema. He really hates going to the cinema “Is a full of scum”, he says.

Still, Mrs Lucky, much as he loves her, is a woman not to be trifled with so off he goes twice a week, every week. Remember, this is a man who would slit your mother’s throat if he felt she deserved it and you paid him enough.

He came into Ron’s last night and sat scribbling in a note pad for a while before he said to me “Twenty. You a have a this website. Is-a big thing you must do now. I write a review of the films a Mrs Lucky make a me see. You put on a your website. Is a important.”

“Fair enough then, Lucky”, I said. “If you think is a important.”

“Is a important and don’t a make fun of my accent, cazzo!”

So without further ado here are Lucky’s film reviews:

1 – Brokeback Mountain:

Is a film about two cowboy. One night is a very cold so they fuck and with a many sheep to choose instead of man bottom. For me is a better they fuck with a they horses.

Time she a passes. Two gay cowboy they a marry women and have a the children but meet for sweaty man love. In a the end the two they a meet in a bar, kill all a those gay bashers and drink many mojitos and they a live happily every after except one a cowboy is shirt.

For me Bareback a Mountain I give 20 out of a 10. This because it only took a me 20 minutes to go a sleep. Luckily this a time I don’t snore too much so Mrs Lucky don’t smash a my balls in like when we went to a Lost in Translation.

2 -Chronicles of Narnia:

This a film make a me sick but is good advertisement for Ikea. Anitque a furniture cause problem like a woodworm or magical realms in a the back past a the fur coats.

Is about 4 kid who go to I think is north of a Finland or something and meet a two legged talking goat. The goat he is a stupido and white witch make him into a stone with powerful magic like a the women of Sardinia.

Then a the children meet a talking lion called Alan and he tell them they have to fight a the big fight against witch. For me is easier for lion to kill witch as he have a the big teeth and claws but still. Then Alan he is a killed because one of the children eat a too much turkish delight but he is a magic a lion because he come back to life just like Jesus or Osama Bin Laden.

Then is a big fight, children and goat people and unicorns and minotaurs and hippos all a scuffling but a soon the children win and witch is dead and magic potion make a everyone good who die alive again. Like a the holy communion or Jack Daniels. Then they are king and a queen and live a there for long time until adults.

One day are out on a they horses and go in furniture again because have a forgotten how they a came to a Finland. When go past a the coats are back in a the house and is a children again. Is a like life. Start as a child and piss a your pants, be adult and all is a good and fun, then back again as a child with a piss your pants but take a more medicine.

If I a had a to sum up Chronicles of a Narnia in a one word I think for a just a little time and they I say “Shite”.

So there you go. Forget Barry Norman, if he isn’t already dead, Lucky Luciano’s film reviews are all you need. Next week he’s reviewing Harry Potter and Colin Farrell’s sex tape.