EARTHQUAKE

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on December 15th, 2005

Tragedy struck the Wicklow cost yesterday when an earthquake measuring 2.6 on the Richter scale caused widespread damage to Arklow. It is reported that some pictures fell off a mantelpiece, one of three flying ducks crashed from a wall while some windows rattled for a period of up to 3 seconds.

Trocaire, the Red Cross and Concern have set up emergency appeals to raise money for survivors so they can rebuild their lives and continue marrying close family members. John O’Shea of Concern said “FUCKING JAYSUS! FORGET THEM PAKIS, THIS IS THE REAL DEAL AND IT’S HAPPENED RIGHT ON OUR OWN DOORSTEP. GIVE US YER FUCKIN’ MONEY YIZ CUNTS.”

Bob Geldof has already booked Windmill Lane and his planned charity record will feature the cream of Irish talent such as No Sweat, Who’s Eddie and Runaway, the country’s most successful Corrs tribute band.

Not true of course, apart from the bit about the earthquake. That was actually true but there are greater tremors when Mary Harney walks into a room. It’s kind of like that scene in Jurassic Park where the cup of water trembles as the T-Rex approaches the overturned car. It’s been strongly rumoured that Harney’s diving holiday near Sumatra in Indonesia caused last winter’s tsunami but government officials have managed to spread the old ‘massive earthquake’ story to cover it up.

We don’t really get extremes of weather here in Ireland. I remember the winter of 1981-2 was incredibly snowy. I’ve never seen anything like it since. Everything was closed and they were rationing milk in the newsagents. Then we got the arse end of Hurricane Charlie in 1987, I think, and there was some wind and rain but luckily Dublin was built above sea-level and we didn’t have any poor black people to make it a real tragedy. And finally we had the unstoppable typhoon which blew the roof off the National Aquatic Centre which had nothing to do with shoddy labour and cheap materials and was, without doubt, a demonstration of the awesome power of Mother Nature.

Apart from that, nothing. That said the whole fucking city grinds to a halt if there’s even a light snow shower. People ring in work saying they’re snowed in, cars start crashing all over the place, a near state of emergency is called so it’s probably a good thing we don’t get really hot summers or people would call in work to say they’re melting to death or dehydrating on the spot.

If you like low skies and constant drizzle Ireland is the place to be though.