Christmas cards

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on December 13th, 2005

So I finally got around to writing some of my Christmas cards. Such a chore. Worse than when Bastardface gets an impacted anal gland and squeezing that is not pretty, let me tell you. Dirty Dave hates doing it.

Here’s just a sample of some of the ones I sent.

Dear Bertie,

have a great Christmas. Hope you choke on the wishbone you poxy wanker.

love

Twenty Major

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Dear Hurricane Katrina victim,

at this special time of the year please know that while I’m enjoying all the home comforts there are people thinking of you. You homeless cunts.

love

Twenty Major

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Dear Damien Rice,

this Christmas I’ve given you the present you deserve. No, that’s not fake snow, it’s anthrax. Die screaming, you cocksucker.

love

Twenty Major

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Dear Bono,

hope you have a great Christmas and please know that the money you spend on your children’s presents would feed the whole of Chad for a year. Hope your brain explodes with guilt.

love

Twenty Major

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Dear Daryl Hall from Hall and Oates,

I’ve found your address at long last. I’ll follow up this card with a personal visit. See you soon.

love

Twenty Major

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Dear George Best,

wishing you a very…. oh yeah.

Well that was a waste of a card.

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Dear Mary Harney,

please ensure you have just one wafer thin mint, just one wafer thin mint, after you eat the whole turkey, two hams, three kilos of mashed spuds, 3 pints of gravy, a whole Christmas pudding covered in trifle, a Christmas cake, a box of Ferrero Rocher and a box of After Eights. You enormous glutton.

love

Twenty Major

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Dear the French Muslim community,

I know things have calmed down since all that rioting and stuff so I wish you all a very peaceful Christmas.

love

Twenty Major

ps - Jean Marie le Pen said you’re all a bunch of towel-head, goat fucking suicide bombers.

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Dear Minister for Transport,

seasons greetings to you and next time you won’t catch the bloke with the bomb on the M50 and you can kiss your fucking rip-off toll profits goodbye.

love

Twenty Major

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Yours, of course, is in the post.