‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
So we unlocked the window, my accomplice and I
When the little girl saw us she started to cry;
‘Don’t worry’, we said as entered the house,
‘Now dry up those tears and be quiet as a mouse’;
‘But who the hell are you?’ she asked all afeared,
‘I’m a good friend of Santa. Just look at my beard!’;
‘We’re here to bring presents for your mum and your dad,
Tell us where they are or they’re bound to get mad’;
‘I think they’re asleep’ she said rubbing her eyes,
‘Thanks a lot little girl! Now here, take this prize;
We gave her an iPod and she gave us a hug,
She was so damn excited she pissed on the rug;
So we crept down the hall to where mam and dad slept,
when we went in the room oh how they wept;
‘Jimmy and Twenty, you’ve found us, but how?’,
‘You shut your fat mouth you despicable cow’;
So I took out a truncheon, Jimmy took out a sap,
And soon the room filled with blood, brains and crap;
‘That’ll teach you to steal now it’s ended in farce’,
as I insert this knife in the depths of your arse;
Soon it was done, all was quiet, they were gone.
When into the room a golden light shone;
‘Little girl, look away, you don’t need to see this’;
Though her bladder had emptied she took one more piss;
‘Oh God, Mam and Dad, they’ve sent you to heaven,
And it’s all for a DVD set of Blakes Seven’;
She sat at the end of the bed and she cried,
and went on so long I was fit to be tied;
‘We’re sorry you had to see your parents die,
but they pissed me off rightly and that is no lie’;
Then we drove into town to play pool in Ricardos,
our best Christmas gift an orphan for Barnados.
It’s a tradition, see…