The war on terror

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on November 30th, 2005

The war on terror is going badly. People are being blown up every day, there is fear throughout the world and everyone knows it’s all the fault of Muslims who started this whole thing when they invented fundamentalism and beards.

So how can we save ourselves from this terrible threat? War is not the answer as America is finding out. Muslims can disguise themselves as normal citizens and strike at any time because they all look the same. I have done some research though and have discovered a number of ways in which this threat can be overcome:

- Muslims are afraid of the dark. America must simply invent an agent which makes them all blind and they will run around terrified, bonking heads together and collapsing on the ground before pushing themselves around and around in circles with their hind legs.

- If you pour beer over a Muslim Jews sprout out almost immediately in the same way Gremlins appear when you spill water on Gizmo. That will increase the peace.

- Muslims are incredibly short people and they wear long robes to hide their stilts. Introducing woodworm, where possible, will slow them down enormously.

- Muslims cannot resist knock-knock jokes. A skilled knock-knocker could keep a whole army occupied for days. An example:

Knock-Knock
Who’s there?
Koran.
Koran who?
Koranberry juice.
If I wasn’t so amused by that I would kill you like the dog you are.

- Muslims believe they will get to have all kinds of kinky sex with 72 virgins when they get to heaven. Little do they know catholics get 96.5 virgins when they go to heaven so the lustful muslims can be converted them BAM we lay the 6th commandment on them.

- Muslims are totally colour blind and only see in black and white. Simply move the war to the arctic circle and dress in white romper suits. They won’t last pissing time.

- They say that if you run around the Hellfire Club backwards at the stroke of midnight saying the Hail Mary backwards then the devil will appear to you. In the same way if you run around The Dome on the Rock backwards singing Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen the prophet Mohammed will appear and perform a rap for peace.

- Muslims always kneel in the direction of Mecca when they pray. Just move Mecca a bit to the left and all the power of those prayers end up in Tajikstan and since nobody has ever heard of that place it doesn’t exist and can cause us no harm.

- Muslims know how to treat a woman right having been taught many years previous by Barry White. Send in an army of beautiful women wearing skimpy clothes and they’ll distract them long enough for pinpoint laser guided missiles to take out strategic military installations.

- In Arabic 2+2=7 so ask a Muslim to hold onto your hand grenade which is primed to go off at 4.

- Muslims worship that really tall woman from 80s sitcom the Golden Girls because of her manly voice. Recruit her as a spy then send her on a concert tour of Muslim countries. Nobody would be any the wiser.

- An anti-Muslim cloaking device can be made by heating solid sodium acetate trihydrate (NaCH3CO2 �3 H2O) then adding 2 teaspoons of caster sugar, a dash of lime juice and some freshly chopped coriander.

Never let it be said they weren’t told.