Emergency services

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on November 28th, 2005

*bring bring*

“Hello, 999. What is your emergency?”

“Good evening. I would like to book a fire brigade for tomorrow evening, please.”

“What?”

“I said I would like to book a fire brigade for tomorrow evening.”

“Erm…that’s not possible. This line is only for reporting emergencies happening at present. Do you have an emergency right now?”

“Obviously I don’t or I would have said I need a fire brigade now. However, I am going to have an emergency tomorrow night and surely some advance warning would increase your response time.”

“Sir, that is very considerate of you but unless you’re Nostradamien there’s no way you can know if there’s going to be an emergency, specifically a fire, tomorrow night.”

“Well, you’re right in that I’m not ‘Nostradamien’. I’d imagine it was the fact I’m not speaking in rhymed quatrains that gave it away. Nevertheless I can assure you there is going be an emergency, specifically a fire, tomorrow night.”

“How do you know this?”

“Because I’m going to start it.”

“You’re going to start it?”

“Yes, I’m going to start it.”

“I see. Do you mind me asking why?”

“Yes, I mind.”

“Ok, so where are you going to start it?”

“I haven’t quite decided yet. Probably around the groinal area although the face might be good.”

“You’re going to set a person on fire?!”

“How perceptive of you.”

“Sir, I must advise you that setting people on fire is illegal and as this call is being recorded and easy to trace I think you should reconsider your plan or you could face some very serious consequences.”

“What kind of a country are we living in where setting people on fire is illegal? It’s madness. I mean, if Buddhist monks can set themselves on fire and they are the most peaceful people on the planet why can’t we set people on fire who thoroughly deserve it?”

“It’s a good point but it does not change the fact that it’s illegal. And if this person offends you so much why do you want the fire brigade to arrive and probably save them.”

“It would be much better if they lived and suffered hideous scarring rather than dying and not living for years with their affliction. We’re talking about history’s greatest monster here.”

“You’re going to set Damien Rice on fire?”

“I’m afraid he has left me with no choice. I read today that he is in the studio making a new album. I can’t let that happen, I won’t let that happen and I can’t let that happen.”

“Sir?”

“Yes.”

“Knock him unconscious, strip him and wrap him in clingfilm before you set him alight. That shit will melt right into his skin.”

“Cheers, much obliged. Anyway, how’s 9pm for you?”

“Perfect.”

“All right, see you then.”

*click*

“All set Jimmy. I’m just going out to get some clingfilm.”