It’s not a fair fight

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on November 25th, 2005

“Twenty”, said Stinking Pete, “Who do you think would win in a fight between Godzilla and Enya?”

“Enya”, I said. “No question about it.”

“Do you really think so? You’d have to admit that Godzilla certainly has an advantage in height, weight, reach, strength and, I would imagine, in razor sharp teeth.”

“You’re not wrong there, Stinking Pete, and I’d also say that Godzilla has a distinct advantage as he has large claws whereas Enya has been a nail biter since she was 6 years old and has to ask passers-by to open a can of coke for her.”

“Jaysus. So why do you think she’d win.”

“Well, people think Enya uses sophisticated studio techniques to produce those harmonic vocals but that is just what they want people to believe.”

“Is that right?”

“Yes, Stinking Pete, that is right. In actual fact Enya has mutated vocal cords which allow her to sing 16 separate parts at the same time, in stereo, so we’re talking 32 tracks and that’s more than your average mixing desk. As well as that she has a 6 octave range.”

“6 octaves? By the great flabby gash of Liza Minelli. The Roland Corporation would love a keyboard that powerful.”

“Once again you are not incorrect. It was rumoured that in the early 90s Albert Reynolds tabled the idea of using Enya as a sub-sonic weapon instantly making Ireland the most powerful nation on earth. He was only talked out of it when the full implications of unleashing that kind of terror on mankind were fully explained to him. It’s no coincidence his political favour fell not long after.”

“And I thought it was because he was a shifty, crooked old bastard. The things you know, Twenty, the things you know.”

“Aye, so you see, despite his massive presence, his two tons of muscle, his scaly - almost impenetrable - hide, his claws and teeth and appetite for destruction, Godzilla wouldn’t have got near Enya before she sang the scales at him and due to his incredible animalistic hearing his brain would have exploded in his head within seconds. In fact she’d take out all of your legendary top monsters. King Kong, Cyclops, Gargantuas, Manticores, Chimeras, Krakens, Mary Harney. She’d destroy them all in the wobble of a vocal cord.”

“Janey mac, I never knew Enya was so dangerous. Is there nothing that can stop her?”

“I made some calculations one night and by my reckoning the only thing that could possibly stop her is the offspring of Kris Kristofferson and Sharon Tate.”

“Erm, but wasn’t Sharon Tate brutally murdered by The Manson Family like 30 years ago, Twenty?”

“Oh fuck, you’re right. God help us all, Stinking Pete. God help us all.”