Do you swallow?

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on November 11th, 2005

I took Bastardface, my trusty hound, out for a walk around the Phoenix Park yesterday. He likes to be off the lead and he just loves to chase the deer who make a sound like an old car horn when they see him coming. He bellows at the top of his voice and although you’re not supposed to let your dog chase the deer nobody is going to ask a person with a dog as large as Bastardface to take his four legged friend to task.

When we got home though he wasn’t too well. He was moaning and coughing a bit and he didn’t seem to want to lie down. He went round in circles, nose to the floor, and although he did try to rest now and again it looked like it was hurting him so I took him to the vets.

The vet is always happy to see Bastardface because he’s a good dog in the examination room. Despite the fact he’s bigger than a mammoth he’s never aggressive to Monty the vet unlike some small cute looking dogs who have done him damage in the past. He told me once it took nearly 30 seconds to detatch a Jack Russell from his groin. Poxy little rat cunts they are.

Anyway, he had a good feel of his stomach and throat and was undecided about what to do. He figured an x-ray would be the way to go so we took Bastardface into the x-ray room and got him up on the table and onto his back. A couple of minutes later it was all taken care of and he brought the picture up on his ‘puter.

“Hmmmmm”, he said.

“What is it, Monty the Vet?”, I asked, fearing something terrible like a twisted stomach or cancer.

“I’m not quite sure. Have a look yourself.”

So I had a look and there was a huge mass in his stomach. A huge spiky mass.

“God help him if he has to shit that out”, I said.

“I can’t let that happen to him”, said Monty the Vet. “I must operate.” He clicked his intercom. “Una, cancel all my appointments.”

An hour later he emerged from the operating theatre.

“Well, is he going to be all right?!”

“Aye, don’t worry but you might want to keep an eye on him in the park in future”, he said as he handed me the barely digested corpse of a hedgehog.

“Urgh”, I said.

“Indeed”, said Monty the Vet.

So tonight I’m at home alone while poor old Bastardface has to stay in overnight in the vets. I’ll go and pick him up in the morning but I can’t help feeling proud that my dog is so fucking hard he can swallow a hedgehog hole.

I bet your dog can’t do that.