Direct from Middle Abbey Street

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on October 25th, 2005

Taoiseach Bertie Ahern was today seen in a car with man wearing a peaked cap. It is thought the man in question is a member of gay pop group the Village People and he spent yesterday afternoon in the Taoiseach’s office giving Bertie reach arounds and pummeling his gaping anus before shooting his sex wee all over his back.

Oh no, wait. That was his driver. Apologies, Bertie.

In other news Irish journalist Rory Carroll was seen at Dublin airport with a mysterious older woman. Sources tell us that Carroll is moonlighting as a gigolo and sells his services to lonely, older housewives via a seedy website and small-ads in the Evening Herald.

Oooops. That was his mum welcoming back home. Sorry about that. No, really we are.

A Nigerian man was arrested earlier today by Gardai in Dublin. We are reliably informed that he was carrying around the foreskins of more than a dozen babies which he had removed with a blunt knife in a witchcraft ceremony in a flat on Dorset Street. He may have had the babies corpses with him too.

Oh dear, we’ve done it again. It was simple credit card and 419 scams. Can’t apologise enough blah blah blah.

Soccer fans may have seen Sunderland striker Stephen Elliot make a strange gesture after scoring against Newcastle on Sunday. The Sunday Independent can reveal it was an elaborate pentagram symbol popular with devil worshippers and members of the DUP. Surely this must spell the end for his Ireland career?

Can you believe it? It was the sign of the cross and he’s just a good catholic. You just won’t believe how sheepish we feel right now.

Independent Newspapers - making it up as we go along but we’re really sorry when people find out.