Monthly Archives: October 2005
The Sunday Independent’s apology to Liam Lawlor’s family
You have to laugh: To the many readers of the Sunday Independent, over one million of you, our deep apologies are offered, too. Oooh, good job you managed to sneak in a little snippet about readership figures in there, Aengus. … Continue reading
It’s amazing
I had rather a hard weekend last weekend which meant all day Monday I spent clutching my stomach until I got home. If I can avoid pooing in public places, espeically work, I will do so. Anyway, when I got … Continue reading
Some emails I’ve sent
From: Twenty Major Subject: Question Date: 12 September 2001 22:41:19 To: Christopher Reeves Where the fuck were you yesterday, you lazy cunt? 20M From: Twenty Major Subject: Information Date: 9 August 2000 14:31:09 To: Saks department store Hi, just thought … Continue reading
Romanian cunt
A Romanian woman was given a three year suspended jail sentence in Dublin yesterday after inflicting a litany of abuse on her four year old daughter. Hospital staff became suspicious when they noticed bruises of “various ages and shapes” all … Continue reading
Farewell Frank the Fairy
Frank the Fairy (as me and Jimmy used to call him when he wasn’t anywhere near us) grew up around the same area as me and Jimmy. A bigger chancer and gangster you never met. He’d have stolen from his … Continue reading
Direct from Middle Abbey Street
Taoiseach Bertie Ahern was today seen in a car with man wearing a peaked cap. It is thought the man in question is a member of gay pop group the Village People and he spent yesterday afternoon in the Taoiseach’s … Continue reading
Sympathy for my cock, you wankers
Why is that wherever there is a jukebox there is ‘Sympathy for the Devil’ by the Rolling Stones? And why is that no matter how few people there are in the establishment with the jukebox some cunt will always put … Continue reading
Return of the Stink
Well, last night we were celebrating the night before Friday when you can really have a good few pints. Ron was telling us about the time when he used to be a barman in a rocker’s place on Sunset Boulevard … Continue reading
Irish asylum
A Nigerian woman with a 4 year old autistic son is on the verge of being deported while a Jamaican woman who has been convicted for 10 years for smuggling cocaine is granted refugee status. A little tiny old lady … Continue reading
A delicate question
So there I was in Ron’s last night, enjoying a pint or six, when Dirty Dave sidled up beside me. “So, how’s it going, Twenty?” “Fine, Dave.” “Good. Good. I’m fine too.” “Glad to hear it.” “Well, I’m not really … Continue reading
So there I was in Ron’s last night, enjoying a pint or six, when Dirty Dave sidled up beside me.
“So, how’s it going, Twenty?”
“Fine, Dave.”
“Good. Good. I’m fine too.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“Well, I’m not really that fine.”
“Sorry to hear that, Dave. Anyway, I must be off….”
“No! Wait. Erm…I have a question.”
“It’s not a stupid question, is it? Like ‘Why wouldn’t that black woman go out with me after I gave her a lovely golliwog as a present?’”
“No, nothing like that.”
“You’re sure?”
“Sure.”
“Ok then. Spit it out.”
“Erm, it’s a little bit sensitive and I’m kind of embarrassed.”
“Must be off.”
“Wait. Fair enough”, he lowered his voice to a whisper. “Did your wee ever come out in two different directions, Twenty?”
“Of course it did, Dirty Dave. Sometimes first thing in the morning it does that when a bit of bed fluff gets down your Jap’s eye or after sex when the inside of your mickey is still a bit spunky.”
“But not all the time, like?”
“No, not all the time.”
“Oh. See, this happens on the time to me now. One stream goes into the toilet bowl and the other shoots left or right. Once it even shot straight up in the air and hit me in the eye. Have you ever pissed in your own eye, Twenty?”
“Of all the questions you’ve asked me over the years, Dirty Dave, that has to be one of the oddest.”
“I’m a bit worried. What if there’s something growing in my shaft that’s making the wee come out in different directions? And I had a bit of a five-knuckle shuffle earlier and I think the man paste came out in different directions too. Does that mean I’m bisexual now?”
“It’s possible. Now that you mention all this I do remember reading that if your piss comes out in two different directions (except for fluff and post-sex) it’s a symptom of the plague.”
“The plague? But I haven’t been near any Romanians. Couldn’t I just be an abmi-wee-er?”
“I’d get myself off to the doctor if I was you, Dirty Dave. Let him get a camera down there and take a look.”
“How would you fit a camera down there?”
“Just go to the doctor.”
I’m still waiting to hear back from him, hence the reason this story has no punchlne whatsoever.