Ventriloquist’s dummies
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on September 23rd, 2005
I was round in Jimmy the Bollix’s house last night planning a job …erm… I mean discussing the state of world affairs and how we, as responsible citizens, might improve the hand that some of less fortunate have been dealt by life. Well, fuck that. We were planning a job.
Suddenly the doorbell rang. Jimmy does not like unexpected visitors since the time he answered the door and found his long, lost brother standing there. Jimmy and his brother, Johnny the Bollix, do not get on to say the least. That, however, is a story for another day.
This time he asked me to get the door so out I went, undid the security latch, the top bolt, the bottom bolt, the chubb lock and the 9 digit key code to open the main lock. Of course I should have probably looked through the spy hole because staring me in the face was a ventriloquist’s dummy. Not an Orville the Duck or some other cuddly animal but one of those really sinister looking, old style fuckers. Like this cunt.
“ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGHHHH!”, I said.
“Here Twenty, look what I’m after finding!” said the doll in a stunningly accurate Dirty Dave impression. It took me a moment to realise that it was now Dave I was staring at as the image of the dummy was burned onto my retinas.
“Fuck off, Dave, you wanker.”
“Scare ya, Twenty?”
“I said ‘fuck off’. Where did you get that thing anyway?”
“Bought it on eBay off some Polish bloke called Lech.”
“Right. eBay. Not being funny or anything Dave, but you find it hard enough to make your own mouth work in sycnronism with the words that come out of it. What the fuck makes you think you’re going to be any good at ventriloquism?”
“Dunno, just reckon I’d be good I’d it.”
Dave also reckoned he’d be able to pilot a space fighter because he was good at that sit in “3D” Star Wars game they had in the arcades way back in the early 80s. Somehow it was lost on him that he could barely drive his brother’s 2CV without smashing into the back of something. I shut the front door.
“Right. Go in there and show, Jimmy. Just stick the head of it round the door and shout ‘Howya Jimmy?!’ Go on. It’ll be a right laugh.”
“Are you, sure? You know the way Jimmy can be a bit cranky.”
“Don’t worry, Dirty Dave”, I said. “It’ll be hilarious.”
So off Dave trotted up the hallway, stuck the head around the kitchen door and ventrilioquised “HOWYA JIMMY?!”
“ARRRRRRRRRRGH”, I heard Jimmy say then the head of the dummy disintegrated as a massive ‘kaboom’ rang out. A dark stain started to spread down Dave’s light gren pants.
“Ho… Ho… Ho… Holy Mary, sweet jumping Joseph and the sacred heart of the divine crucified Jesus” said Dave, eventually.
Jimmy stepped out of the kitchen holding his shotgun.
“You stupid cunt, Dave. What the fuck were you doing? I thought Graham Norton had broken into the house.”
“Jesus”, said Dave.
We removed the rest of the dummy from Dave’s arm and sat him down with a hefty glass of Glenmorangie. Luckily Jimmy’s house is soundproofed so there was no chance of the neighbours hearing the gun go off or any of the people he keeps in his cellar shouting for help.
I can’t blame Jimmy at all, those dummies are fucking minging and more than a bit creepy. They’re what Romanian child-molesters would look like in doll form. If you crossed a traveller with a poet with a court jester that’s what you’d get. They are to not creepy what Paris Hilton is to not showing your flaps in public all the time.
I remember reading a story in a book back when I was a kid and it was a macabre tale about a ventriloquist’s dummy that came to life and started fucking around with the mind of the ventriloquist. There was something in it about a lift as well but I don’t remember the details too well though. What will always, always stay in my mind is the drawing they had of the dummy. It was almost like an etching, a really old fashioned type illustration but this thing was the most evil thing I had ever seen at that point as Paris Hilton’s gee was years from existence.
As a young lad reading that story I would bend the book in half - cardboardy old hardback that it was - so as not to look at the picture on the opposite page. I would cover the top half of the page when it was time to turn over and eventually I knew that page off by heart so I wouldn’t have to look at it because if I did look at it the dummy would come to life and most assuredly kill me. But it would kill me slowly and nobody would be able to stop it and it would know that and taunt me with it as it killed me. Once I fell asleep reading that book, which had other stories in it too, and when I woke up the next morning it was open on the very page with the picture of the dummy.
In the end I think the ventriloquist killed himself to get away from it. Or he locked it in an old suitcase or something. There’s no point using half-measures where these things are involved.
They’re kind of midgety too, those dummies, and a touch clownish, so you can understand my deep aversion to them. You don’t see too many ventriloquists around these days because with all the hi-tech entertainment at our disposal a man with his hand up the arse of a sinister looking doll pretending to make it talk seems, you know, pretty fucking shite.
Ventriloquists will be extinct soon and that is not a bad thing.
Dr Maroon says:
As Para Handy would say:
Maan it’s a peety that listening to such damned lies iss a sin, for my Got, he can tell a baur. My Got yes.
September 22nd, 2005 at 9:42 pm
muff Diver says:
Stop telling me about things I am not interested in, you cunt…
September 22nd, 2005 at 9:44 pm
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jenE says:
dummies are creepy.
just like clowns.
and midgets.
and twenty.
September 22nd, 2005 at 9:50 pm
2
Andraste says:
Dummies, dolls, midgets, toddlers…all creepy.
Twenty ain’t creepy. He’s my hero.
September 22nd, 2005 at 9:55 pm
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asbo says:
Not all ventriloquists are useless
cunts,e.g.the one with his arm up
Daniel O’Donnell,s arse is fairly
good at it.
September 22nd, 2005 at 11:11 pm
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Anonymous says:
bockle o bear bockle o bear
September 22nd, 2005 at 11:20 pm
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fatmammycat says:
Lawks, the list of things that scare you is steadily growing longer and stranger. Andraste, is that Fiver from Watership down on you pic?
September 23rd, 2005 at 8:30 am
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Anonymous says:
Another classic piece or prose from Twenty . . . brilliant stuff . . . it brought to mind a story I remember where a teddybear or something had hooks for paws, creepy childhood floating up and out throught the roof nightmare kinda stuff !!!
P.S. Chuckys only a bollicks
September 23rd, 2005 at 10:23 am
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Anonymous says:
yawn. that was a bit dull today.
September 23rd, 2005 at 12:26 pm
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Nosmo King says:
Twenty when are you going to issue commentary on the current unravelling of old Georgie Porgie the ultimate ventriliquests dummy and the ability of the US government to make an donkey’s ass of itself.
Nero fiddles whilst Rome burns and all that..
September 23rd, 2005 at 2:42 pm
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Twenty Major says:
I’ll leave Georgie to other people, Nosmo. Too political.
September 23rd, 2005 at 2:44 pm
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muff diver says:
I like to engage in ventriloquist blog commenting. I am actually typing this in the comments section of Emerald Bile, yet it shows up here!
September 23rd, 2005 at 3:09 pm
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jenE says:
i have one question, twenty…
Is Dave now missing some digits on one hand?
September 23rd, 2005 at 4:48 pm
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Andraste says:
Fatmammycat, nice pull! I don’t know, though. Could be Fiver, haven’t seen it in a long time to pinpoint. I did a search for Bigwig, and that was one of the pictures that came up. My original picture stopped working, and I liked the expression of horror on the rabbit’s face. That was what I was going for.
September 23rd, 2005 at 6:23 pm
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Andraste says:
And jene, I didn’t mean to insinuate that your toddler was creepy. (I’ve seen the picture on your blog and he is gorgeous)…I don’t know very many toddlers, but the ones I do know scare me a bit, that’s all.
September 23rd, 2005 at 6:29 pm
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jenE says:
you and me, both, andraste! most toddlers are creepy (I happened to have gotten lucky). you know what else is creepy? being a parent.
AAAGGHH! well, he’s newly potty trained (5 days, no accidents- woo hoo!) less laundry and best of all… NO MORE DIAPERS!
damn those things get nasty!
September 23rd, 2005 at 8:29 pm
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fatmammycat says:
I think Bigwig had a black tuft of hair on his head. Loved that film as a child, cried every time I saw it.
September 23rd, 2005 at 11:09 pm
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Bane says:
Toddlers are easiest to catch, and when they scream, folks just think you are stranglin a cat, a worthy effort at any time.
I will admit, the damn diaper does get in the way, and when drunk, is difficult to get off proper.
It is undignified for a growed man to be flappin one about on his mit, it being stuck by the sticky tabs in his hand hair.
But, used proper, you can stuff it over the little buggers face, and refasten the tabs behind the little buggers thrashing head.
September 24th, 2005 at 5:02 am
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Andraste says:
Bane, you are one scary bastard. Excellent.
September 24th, 2005 at 2:14 pm
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Anonymous says:
Fiver was voiced by that bloke from The Good Life, Hazel by the bloke who had an alien burst out of his chest.
No idea who voiced Bigwig.
Good film, though. Gave me bad dreams. Now it gives my kids bad dreams.
Did you know Watership Down is a real place? It’s just off the A34, a few miles south of Newbury
September 24th, 2005 at 3:10 pm
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The Nude Chef says:
When I was 7, me and another boy i knew got a hold of his step-dads Hustler magazines. We flipped through them and saw some ‘neat’ pictures.
We thought we’d try some of the things out. We ended up putting our dicks in each others mouths. I nicked his with my teeth.
I went home that night and cried to my Mom about it. We never mentioned it again (my mother and I). The friend moved away a year after this.
September 24th, 2005 at 6:39 pm
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Dr Maroon says:
Twenty boy, it’s a fucking rum lot you’re attracting since you started describing the torture you’d dish out to the weirdos. We’ll ignore the fact that Fatmammycat encouraged that other one, and it is possible that the search engines are throwing up anomalies, but fuck, remember old Descartes,
“Be careful what you pretend…..”
September 24th, 2005 at 11:16 pm
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Dr Maroon says:
Muff Diver You are a clever cunt.
September 24th, 2005 at 11:23 pm
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August 2nd, 2007 at 2:38 pm
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