Har har, you robbing cunt
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on September 9th, 2005
Now, it would not be untrue if I was to say I’ve pilfered a few things in my time. I’ve robbed things but only for the greater good. The greater good being my good, naturally.
But I have only ever stolen from people who completely deserved it, wouldn’t miss what I was stealing from them or who I didn’t know (or like very much).
Like the bloke whose BMW 323i me and Jimmy nicked from outside the Pines in Walkinstown a few years back. We were just after coming out of the pub having ended up in that area the previous night and kipping over at Stinkin’ Pete’s who lives out that way. There’s nothing like a few pints for breakfast to get rid of that hangover. Those few pints put you in the mood for a food based breakfast which then lets you go and drink more pints for the rest of the day. You know you haven’t had enough when they’re showing Villa v Bolton on Sky Super Sunday and you still can’t sleep. Anyway, I digress.
We had just come out of the pub when up pulls this bloke in a brand new 323i, spoiler, stripes, cool as fuck it was. He got out and headed into the newsagent and I looked at Jimmy. Jimmy looked at me. There was no need for the nod. Let’s rob the cunt. Then we spotted the auld one in the passenger seat. Now, there are lines I will not cross. Killing junkies and setting fire to caravans on halting sites is one thing but robbing a car with a little old lady in it is something different altogether.
Not to worry, I thought. We’ll just grab a cab. Then, as if God himself was giving us a sign, the granny got out of the car and headed into the newsagents herself. Probably to buy a few sweets for the grandkids. Well, you take your signs where you can get them and we didn’t need a second invitation. In we popped and off we sped. I saw the moustachioed man shaking his fist at us in the rear view mirror as we made our getaway. We sold the car to Hotwire Harry who gave us a nice price.
Anyway, the point is if you can afford to purchase, tax, insure and maintain a BMW 323i then you can afford to lose it to a couple of malcontents like me and Jimmy. Nobody got hurt (apart from the Romanian we winged on Thomas Street, but that doesn’t count), we got a nice chunk of money and the bloke whose car it was got a new one with the insurance money.
However, I’m not much into stealing from people who might really feel the effects of it. There are plenty of faceless corporations, pop stars and rich executives you can rip off.
I like to read and I like to go to a little bookshop I know to buy my stuff. Waterstones, Hodges Figgis, Hughes and Hughes, Easons - these are the big boys you can steal from but I don’t steal books because anyone who sits down to write something deserves to be paid for it - unless it’s Cecilia Ahern who deserves to peeled and dipped in vinegar, the hopeless geebag.
Yesterday I was calling in to see what new bits and pieces old Larry who owns the shop had put aside for me. He knows my tastes very well and he never lets me down. As I was walking up the road to see him I notice a bloke coming running towards me. Then I hear Larry shouting.
“Stop him! Somebody stop him. He’s after robbing the money from me till.”
Of course Dublin being Dublin everyone just stared at the fucker running away from the scene of the crime. Nobody wanted to get involved. Well, you don’t fucking rob stuff from small time traders and you sure as fuck don’t rob stuff from old Larry. Yer man was coming belting up the road, he saw me and thought because I’m an old cunt I wouldn’t do anything. I caught his eye then looked away. He kept running. I stuck my foot out. He went stumbling and running. Rumbling. Stunning. His arms pinwheeled. He tried desperately to keep his balance. He failed.
His forward momentum was halted abruptly by his face hitting a cast iron, corrugated lamp post. He spat teeth. He groaned. Robber boy rolled over. He opened an eye. He got my foot in the bollocks.
I took the money he robbed from Larry. Someone else felt brave now that he was bleeding all over the road and called the Gardai. They took him away. I gave the money back to Larry and bought a load of new books with the robber’s credit card, gave them back to him and bought the ones he’d put aside for me myself. Larry’s not stupid.
Now I’m reading about two detectives in Dublin while the robber is behind bars being bummed. What larks.
Anonymous says:
Wise old Winnie
15
September 9th, 2005 at 8:12 am
missing A beemer says:
Hey twenty you cunt, that my my fucken car you nicked. I knew I find out the geebag that stole it !! I let me queer son drive it that day to the shops, but the fucker left his wallet on the dash board so I had to go in after him !
Im after you twenty !!!!
September 9th, 2005 at 8:23 am
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Cecilia A/ says:
Thats two days in a row cunt. I wont stand for this abuse. Ya old fucker. I’ll get my revenge in my next book.
September 9th, 2005 at 8:23 am
2
maca says:
Gifted stuff Twenty!
September 9th, 2005 at 9:13 am
3
Johnny5 says:
You’re a nasty piece of work, twenty but I like it.
September 9th, 2005 at 9:18 am
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fatmammycat says:
Well done Twenty, street justice, what? And it’s Friday!
September 9th, 2005 at 10:26 am
5
asbo says:
There’s a side to you I’m only
begining to appreciate.
September 9th, 2005 at 11:14 am
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Anonymous says:
Just a question Twenty - do you have to think long before you post your posts as to what your going to say - or is it ‘off the cuff’ stuff - your standard of english is quite good as well as the other guys ‘Johnny5′ - actually university level really. just wondering…..
September 9th, 2005 at 11:59 am
7
Dr Maroon says:
You crawling bastard.
September 9th, 2005 at 12:57 pm
8
Johnny5 says:
Maybe it’s because I went to university or maybe it’s because I’m not retarded.
Who goes? You decide.
September 9th, 2005 at 1:42 pm
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Anonymous says:
By ‘who goes’ you mean ‘who knows’ but I’d say you dont miss a trick….
September 9th, 2005 at 1:56 pm
10
Dr Maroon says:
I agree up to a point with the anonymous sycophant, though in fairness I should point out that a post 92 degree isn’t worth wiping your arse with. (Pardon my freedom, Fatmammycat).
And most especially from those halfwits at Trinity; just don’t ask, believe me.
Mmmm…..Friday…..drinks…drool…slaver….aahhh.
September 9th, 2005 at 2:49 pm
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NOSMO KING says:
Twenty,
when you boosted that Hedgehog car it may have been fun, however poor Charlie down the country had his PMPA 3rd Pty Fire & Theft Policy on his Cortina increase because of pups like you (if this is not a yarn, if this is a yarn I take back the pup part).
Warning,
Brown the Fema Guy in the states must have been a total Brown Noser and f’ed a lot of people to get where he is today, just watch him being ripped apart in the next couple of days. Beware all brown nosers and former car thieves, What goes around comes around….
September 9th, 2005 at 2:50 pm
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fatmammycat says:
Ahh… Trinity, the cream of Ireland- thick and lumpy.
God dammit, are the clocks over at your place playing tricks Doctor M? The second hand doesn’t appear to be moving a’tall a’tall. Why am I not on my way to my favourite bar yet. Humm, perhaps if I spent more time working and less time surfing I’d get out earlier.
September 9th, 2005 at 3:03 pm
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Dr. E. Scientist, phD. says:
I commend you on your choice of motors, Twenty. Those little 323i jobs go for a bit in your friendly neighborhood chop shop.
A hearty well done is due for your treatment of that verminous book shop thief.
Sure I’d sell drugs to pre-school children while disguised as a nun, but rob a bookstore? Sometimes you just have to put your boot down.
Preferably into teeth.
September 9th, 2005 at 3:41 pm
14
Dr Maroon says:
It’s currently 16:13 Ms Cat, (although the notion of instantaneous time is one that often has me in fits) and I haven’t done a stroke all afternoon.
This happens to the best sometimes, it’s akin to an ague of my noble spirit.
See? It’s now 16:18.
HAHAHAHAHAHRHARHAHRHASJLHSDJKHASKDFL LAJSDO UOW48489Y 480Y ASHJGHGHGhghghgh hru hur hur! hyuk!
(with apologies to bogol)
September 9th, 2005 at 4:20 pm
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Rob says:
ALL beemer owners ought to have their cars stolen the cunts. I would say, however, that it is poor form to resell it as this merely produces another smug bmw owner. I suppose you could steal it from him in turn though.
September 9th, 2005 at 7:06 pm
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jenE says:
i could hump the hood of the 525i all day long.
twenty, nice little story. do you ever worry about the statute of limitations (speaking about) any of your crimes? or is that not something you need to worry about in ireland?
September 9th, 2005 at 9:51 pm
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Twenty Major says:
I don’t worry about piffling legalities like that, jenE.
September 9th, 2005 at 10:08 pm
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jenE says:
you’re just too cool for that shite, eh, tm?
September 10th, 2005 at 2:07 am
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Tommy says:
No, he’s just too old to bother locking up.
September 11th, 2005 at 1:09 am
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Rudy Zarsov says:
You can really pick the yanks by their comments. they all take you seriously.
Funny breed the yanks. They kicked out clinton for fucken one intern. bush is still there and he is fucken their country.
September 12th, 2005 at 12:10 am
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