A German man was in hospital last night with abdominal injuries after a supposed ‘collision’ with a dolphin off the coast of Clare.
‘Collision’ my arse. That dolphin ram-raided him, I’m 100% sure of that. I’ve mentioned dolphins, and my distrust of them, before when Stinkin’ Pete asked me what kind of animal I’d like to be.
Dolphins have a reputation for intelligence which obviously has some merits. This dolphin saw the man swimming then thought ‘It’s only a German. Nobody would mind if I battered a German with my bottle nosed snout. In fact, most people would understand why I tried to cave in his kidneys. Nobody would ever think any less of the dolphins if I tried to kill a German.’
Well I’m onto you, you squeaking underwater cunts. That’s clever and shifty. Dolphins also have a permanent smirk on their faces like they know something we don’t and I bet they do know something we don’t. They’re not fucking telling though, are they, the cunts. That’s how clever they are. They give us enough to make us know they know something but you could make tuna steaks out of all of them before they’d tell.
If there’s a land-based version of the dolphin it’s the beagle. They are also really shifty looking fuckers with their legs that look just too long and spindly for their bodies and those eyes that follow you, squinting, boring into yours and you just know that if they had any way of executing the plan they had for torturing you to death that beagles would surely take over the world.
Think I’m making it up. Look at this cunt.
Now, do you see what I’m talking about? Beagles are the anti-Lassie. If they found you trapped in a well they’d piss on you as quick as you like and they’d go tell their beagle friends to come and do the same until you drowned in beagle piss.
What we have to ensure is that dolphins and beagles never cross-breed as I’m sure that would bring about the destruction of man quicker than George Bush can.
Imagine the terrifying consequences of the Beaphin. Of course now I’ve just given the idea to some mad scientist but when it does happen and we bow before our new shifty eyed masters you can say ‘Bollix. Twenty knew.’
It would only be a matter of time before the Beaphin was cross-bred to create laser eyed mutants like the dreaded Bumble-Beaphin and the Sabre Toothed Mountain Beaphin.
15 Major
Reminds me of this from Dilbert yesterday:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2040697050906.gif
Beagles, blocky headed little bastards. Although I know a gay french barman and he has ‘two of zem, ze are call Oscar and Sophie, and he ‘Zwears ze talk with ‘im.’ And I thought fuck, if they can talk then they truly are clever-and thus to be avoided. Oh and those actual collies like Lassie are savage evil fuckers, they can fit a whole child’s head into that long mouth. Not so funny throwing that stick for the doggie now is it, John Paul, you little shit. Now who’s laughing? The dog, that’s who. Shut up kid, you didn’t need that piece of scalp anyway.
“you squeaking underwater cunts.”
Ah, twenty, that made me laugh out loud. But you know I’ll never look at Flipper again in the same light, don’t you?
I always thought they were vicious, I’ll be on the look out for the cunts the next time I go swimming.
can we pretty please add monkeys to that list? Monkeys are fucking well EVIL, according to a couple of my Indian born friends anyway. One mate of mine who lived in India until he was about 17 told me some crazy stories and even gave me nightmares about the little shits. I always thought monkeys were cute and funny, but now they sound as evil as dolphins.
Monkeys have fangs, great big huge 15 centimetre fangs. And they steal stuff all the time, especially food and sometimes small babies from the ghetto areas. That’s right, monkeys with fangs dealing and eating innocent little Indian babies. And all in the flash of an eye they are that quick…
Oh, and being Australian don’t get me started on how beastly and evil kangaroos are…
I meant “stealing” not “dealing”
‘two of zem, ze are call Oscar and Sophie, and he ‘Zwears ze talk with ‘im.’
French my arse.
And what does the fact he’s a lifter have to do with anything?
Are there two mental pictures available to everyone,:
a) French barman with two beagles,
b) gay French barman with two beagles……ah, you’ve got a point.
Sorry.
Two words: Dolphin Sex.
It was no collision, a “continuous and sustained reaming”, more like.
Beware of the evil monkey
I freaking love Family Guy! I was just watching it actually, first I watch the episode where they inherited the summer house/mansion of Lois’s Aunt, and then one of my all-time favourites… the broccoli episode!
‘…this house is freaking sweeeeett!’
Have you ever watched Stewie doing William Shatner doing ‘Rocket Man.’ Absolute Genius.
“Have you ever watched Stewie doing William Shatner doing ‘Rocket Man.’ Absolute Genius”
Many times and it never fails to tickle me, fucking brilliant.
Me wonders whether it was offspring from a Vergelltungs Waffen experiment from der Letzte Krieg looking for the creator.
Do you know how many tuna fish they have to kill just to catch 1 dolphin?
I’d rather have a hole in my head … etc …
Thanks mate. Your comment “Imagine the terrifying consequences of the Beaphin.” started my brain whirring. Being a breeder of little fluffy dogs for the yuppy market and living in Sydney “the gay centre of the world” I started thinking of new breeds of dogs. I have come up with a winner. I’m going to cross my Cocker Spaniels with my Shitzu. I’m going to call the new breed Shittycocks and market them to the gay community.
An absolut winner. Thanks twenty you’re a fuckin genius.
Stewie doing Shatner doing Rocketman? What an absolute classic… sadly I have not seen that one yet. Have you seen the puking scene It had me laughing so hard that I was crying
You can watch it here:
http://gorillamask.net/famguypuke.shtml
http://gorillamask.net/famguyarchive.shtml
At this link you will find heaps of hilarious Family Guy clips. There is one of Stewie that is absolutely riproaring hilarious, him singing that Eminem song “you don’t want to fuck with Shady”
All this talk makes me want to go and watch another episode, I have three series on my computer. Being in a wheelchair myself I love the episode when they get to get to go to the beer factory and they sing that song taking the piss out of Joe Swanson. Classic. There are so many “in” wheelchair jokes that it makes me think someone on the writing staff is either in a chair, or in close contact with someone who is. On the above link that I provided you MUST look at the clip where Peter discovers he’s retarded
Is it a cool motorised wheelchair with lasers and turbo boost?
Stewie does Rocketman
My wheelchair isn’t unfortunately! It’s just an itty-bitty one that doesn’t go too fast, just plain and simple and unobtrusive… the one I had in rehab was like a fucking forklift, so I much prefer this one. I know it sounds terrible but the bigger the wheelchair, the more retarded people think you are. And although I am absolutely insane, I’m not retarded and God help any condescending cunt who speaks to me like I am…!!
One of my friends is an engineer and he swears that one day he is going to build me a mother of a wheelchair with gladiator spokes on the side with a button I can push to eject fire towards people I don’t like… like communists and Scientologists
I just watched the Stewie clip, abso-freaking-lutely hilarious!
tithe
test
Hope you choke on this, you rat bastard! About the Mississippi dolphins
Enjoyable blog. Please check out my dog breed gift blog.
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Never mind the dolphin/beagle cross, did you not see cars and dogs, I had the lead role. We are loveable little bastards. Dont worry about us taking over the world, we have done so already. We engineered our take over in the USA by installing our puppet presdent, Come november we will have a new puppet and he wont be a democrat. We have seen to a republican win by setting Clinton ans Obama against one another,
Beware of stage 2 of our take over the world plan.
The only way to stop us is to make Clinton president, as everybody knows a dog will do anything for a bitch,
Never mind the dolphin/beagle cross, did you not see cars and dogs, I had the lead role. We are loveable little bastards. Dont worry about us taking over the world, we have done so already. We engineered our take over in the USA by installing our puppet presdent, Come november we will have a new puppet and he wont be a democrat. We have seen to a republican win by setting Clinton an Obama against one another,
Beware of stage 2 of our take over the world plan.
The only way to stop us is to make Clinton president, as everybody knows a dog will do anything for a bitch,
As for dogs, do you know any reliable resource where one can find all the local dog kennels?
I love you for calling it a CUNT. Cunt is my favourite word in English that can describe so many things. So much better than fuck or fucker. You are the man. Cheers!