I hate midgets
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on August 29th, 2005
It was a normal Saturday evening in Ron’s. I was sitting with Jimmy the Bollix and Stinkin’ Pete who had both been at Croke Park to see Tyrone knock the ever-living shite out of Dublin in the football. They’d arrived back from the game at around 7.30 and we’d been at the bar since.
Ron was in rare old form. Sometimes when he gets in the mood he’s a story-teller to beat all others. Forget Kenneth Williams, forget Peter Ustinov. Mere amateurs compared to Ron and at around 10 o’clock he was in the middle of a fantastic tale about a time when he was working as a barman in Paris and he made Jim Morrisson a Caiparinha mixed with industrial bleach when in walked Dirty Dave.
“Howyiz, lads?” he said.
He got the usual grunted responses as we were all enjoying Ron’s story and he was at the part where he was getting ready to flee Paris when Dave piped up again.
“Lads, dis here is me cousin, Archie.”
I looked and there was nobody at all with Dave.
“What the fuck are you on now?” I asked him. “Seeing things again, I bet, you cunt. Didn’t the hospital tell you not to stop taking those pills? You’ll have another episode and I don’t know if me and Jimmy can sort things out with Colin Farrell’s ma like we did the last time.”
“No, Twenty. I’m not taking the piss. Me cousin Archie is here”, he said and took a step to the left.
“ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!”, I said as the hideous sight of dwarf smacked me right between the eyes. Dirty Dave’s cousin was about 3′8″ high and had an enormous head on a teeny tiny body.
Now, I’m not sure if this is something I’ve mentioned before but I don’t like dwarves. I know they say Ireland is the home of the little people but at least leprechauns stay out of your way until you find them and their pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They certainly don’t come in to the pub on Saturday and make me want to vomit out of my nose.
Anyway, it couldn’t get up on one of the stools so Dave gave it a boost up and it ordered a pint of Giunness.
‘Good choice of drink’ I thought to myself, ‘Maybe this gnome isn’t as bad as I think it is.’
So it waited for its pint to settle and licking its lips it picked it up - WITH TWO HANDS BECAUSE THE GLASS WAS TOO BIG - and proceeded to glug down that delicious beer. I think the thing I hate most about ooompa-looompas is their hands. Their stubby little hands. Seeing two of them wrapped around a pint of Guinness, in my local, at the same bar I was sitting at having a good time not 5 minutes before, was just too much for me.
“Dave, c’mere!” I said. Dave come over.
“What’s up?” he asked.
“Look, here’s the story, man. I’m allergic to dwarves. Do you not have somewhere else you can go with that thing?”
“Here now, Twenty”, he said. “That’s family, I wouldn’t talk about your family like that.”
“My family aren’t fucking circus freaks, Dave.”
He got in a bit of a strop then and wandered off. He and the midget finished their pints and left. He had a right puss on him when he lifted it down off the stool.
I’m not sorry though. I just hate those little fuckers and one of the best stories of rock’n'roll excess I ever heard was the one where Freddie Mercury had a party and he hired a load of dwarves, strapped trays to their heads and put bowls of cocaine on the trays. The little people wandered round the party all night and whenever anyone wanted another line they just stopped a dwarf and snorted away. That’s what we should use them for. For serving drinks/drugs at an easy to reach height, for unblocking chimneys and for rescuing children that fall down wells.
We don’t even need lots of them for films anymore. The new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory just used one real life pygmy and made all the Ooopma-Looopmas in the film by regenerating him with computers. We could also paint them with make-up, dress them with funny costumes, give them a fishing rod and a stool shaped like a mushroom and we could have a whole new line of living garden gnomes but you wouldn’t catch me touching one of them in case I caught the small.
Despite my terrifying encounter with the abominable Lilliputian I lived not only to tell the tale but to skull another 6 or 7 pints before picking up a large single of chips and a battered, not cocktail, sausage on the way home.
Down with dwarves.
Anonymous says:
I knew a guy who could hold two pints of Guinness in each hand, and probably at least one dwarf in each - Igor from Czechoslovakia, Freddie woulda loved him too.
August 29th, 2005 at 1:10 am
Anonymous says:
Agreed.. Twenty, normally you make me laugh but you’ve lost a bit of kudos for this one. just stupid and offensive.
August 29th, 2005 at 1:20 am
1
jenE says:
all these babies whining about your lack of tact must be related to (or are themselves) midgets. personally, they scare the fuck out of me. like clowns.
funny as ever.
August 29th, 2005 at 2:54 am
2
Bane says:
Ew. Midget clowns.
You sick bitch.
August 29th, 2005 at 3:06 am
3
jenE says:
you can’t disagree, can you, bane?
August 29th, 2005 at 3:51 am
4
Dubliner in Sydney says:
pick on someone You’re own size 20 ya cunt
August 29th, 2005 at 4:55 am
5
Dubliner in Sydney says:
pick on someone You’re own size 20 ya cunt
August 29th, 2005 at 4:55 am
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Bert says:
Ugh - I’m going to assume that John and Anonymous No. 2 over there are not from around Dublin way.
D’ya think, you fuckwits, that 20’s genuinely worried about catching the fucking small?
Reminds me of an audience I went to see Man Bites Dog with. But that’s another story.
August 29th, 2005 at 6:51 am
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maca says:
After the previous two posts I was beginning to think we were seeing a slide in form from you Twenty, but then you bounce back with classic Twenty!
August 29th, 2005 at 7:03 am
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Twenty Major says:
Midget clowns are my single greatest fear in life.
August 29th, 2005 at 7:25 am
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Anonymous says:
I love midgets,I like to dress them up as cowboys and sit them on Irish wolfhounds and make them joust to the death.
15 Major
August 29th, 2005 at 8:18 am
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Dealga says:
If midgets were jockeys then greyhound racing would be far more entertaining. Or babies maybe. That would be even better. Baby jockeys on greyhounds. Or monkeys. That’s it - monkey jockeys on greyhounds… what were we talking about?…
August 29th, 2005 at 8:26 am
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Conor says:
Sorry Twenty, Randy Newman got there first in 1978 (when you were still in incontinence pants):
Short People
Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
To live
They got little hands
Little eyes
They walk around
Tellin’ great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet
Well, I don’t want no Short People
Don’t want no Short People
Don’t want no Short People
`Round here
Short People are just the same
As you and I
(A Fool Such As I)
All men are brothers
Until the day they die
(It’s A Wonderful World)
Short People got nobody
Short People got nobody
Short People got nobody
To love
They got little baby legs
That stand so low
You got to pick ‘em up
Just to say hello
They got little cars
That go beep, beep, beep
They got little voices
Goin’ peep, peep, peep
They got grubby little fingers
And dirty little minds
They’re gonna get you every time
Well, I don’t want no Short People
Don’t want no Short People
Don’t want no Short People
‘Round here
http://www.randynewman.com/tocdiscography/disc_the_best_of_randy_newman/lyricsbestofrandynewman
August 29th, 2005 at 10:31 am
12
Twenty Major says:
I really fucking hate Randy Newman.
August 29th, 2005 at 10:47 am
13
Dr Maroon says:
Being a man of simple pleasures, I rather like it here, including the previous 2 posts. But then along comes the tosser Maca .Oh no, those 2 posts weren’t quite fucking good enough for him oh no. He’s a fucking connoisseur of witty aphorisms he is.
HIS blog is, is the fucking acme of sophisticated fucking humour oh yes.
Monday was going ohso badly then Superprick Maca sticks his cuntish oar in to make iT 10 TIMES FFucking woRse.
Pardon me.
But he wouldn’t let it fucking lie would he? Well, on his head be it.
August 29th, 2005 at 10:51 am
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Dr. E. Scientist, phD. says:
Little people! Stand up for your rights!
Oh Christ, you were standing up. Sorry!
August 29th, 2005 at 12:31 pm
15
Johnny5 says:
A midget gets my bus everyday, he’s disgusting. Great big mongo forehead like a cinema screen and little stump limbs. He’s a right ignorant cunt too. He doesn’t have to pay on the bus either, it’s a fucking disgrace.
August 29th, 2005 at 1:28 pm
16
Sportin' Life says:
That’s a wee bit harsh on the little chaps mate.
Why not pick people who deserve it? Fat women, for instance, or amputees.
August 29th, 2005 at 3:45 pm
17
maca says:
What got up your ass Dr Maroon (apart from your boyfriend)?
August 29th, 2005 at 7:55 pm
18
Anonymous says:
Your a fuckin idiot twenty, that wasnt funny, dwell on it a while and youll see it wasnt
September 8th, 2005 at 11:37 am
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jimmyrussian says:
yo
September 12th, 2005 at 8:46 am
20
Allison says:
Now that I can see again, after wiping the tears (of laughter) from my eyes, I will direct you to your worst nightmare:
http://www.littlemanentertainment.com
Enjoy!
September 14th, 2005 at 5:40 am
21
J says:
Ahaha, quality midget bashing tbh.
I’d quite like to give Bridget the Midget a good pummeling. Actually, before I read this, I was pumping the pole to A Midget In Paris. Featuring a Paris Hilton look-alike and some hardcore strapon action.
I’ve just read that back to myself, and I’m thorougly disgusted. Must be what it feels like to be a woman.
September 21st, 2005 at 8:22 am
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Anonymous says:
I hate spaka dwarfs. The little fuckaz always look at you funny. If anything we should look at them! Or down at them the fukin 2 foot tall masters.
October 5th, 2005 at 10:43 am
23
Anonymous says:
Why have they got normal size heads when the rest of them ar miniture. I wish they would grow up!!!!!!!
October 5th, 2005 at 10:46 am
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