Starbucks is for cunts
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on August 19th, 2005
So Starbucks is coming to Ireland and not everyone is happy. They’re opening a shop in the Dundrum Town Centre and there are plans for one on College Green but some people say having a Starbucks amongst the historical buildings there would not be right. Yes, that historical newsagents just down from the Molly Malone statue where the historical One Hour Photo used to be. It’s shocking, it really is.
I’m not sure people have their priorities right though. The real reason we should object to Starbucks is not because of a tacky sign, nor because it’s a giant corporation who probably use undernourished children to pick their coffee beas, nor because it increases the homogeny of the world we live in but because it serves shit, and exceptionally gay, coffee.
Soon Ireland will be introduced the ‘Mocha-frappa-halfcaf-latte’ and ‘Choca-doodle-doo-decaf’ and the ‘No-caf-double-mocha-chocalata ya ya!’ and franlky it’s the last thing we need in this country.
There’s enough pretension and cunts with more money than they know what to do with. The last thing we need is Starbucks language and Starbucks coffee.
I was travelling recently and was in a European capital where they have a Starbucks overlooking one of the most important historical sites in that city. You look around and you see pictures of the death and destruction that was wrought there. You stare in awe and wonder how the bits that survived actually survived and then you see Starbucks. Oh, goody.
I was with an American colleague who insisted we go in. I ordered a black coffee from the bloke while he ordered a triple-spunky-spume-latte. They have this system where they have two people on a till who ask you what you want, you tell them, they write it on the side of the paper cup and hand it to some poor Pakistani bloke who makes all the coffee while they stand there looking at the pretty girls.
Anyway, we sat down. I took a sip of my coffee and it was like drinking a cup of mud filled with Satan’s armpit sweat. It was fucking minging and that’s why we should be objecting to Starbucks. The names of the coffees are stupid and the coffee itself is like stewing your Guinness powered black shite in a cauldron of old toenails and dishwater.
After I took my sip I made a point of loudly spitting it back into my cup and shouting “Jeeeeeeeeeesus. What the fuck is this shit?”
Lots of people looked at me so I pointed at the cup and made a vomity mime at them. Then I left and I will never, never go to a Starbucks again.
When will somebody realise that a really good coffee shop in Dublin would actually make some money? I’d do it myself but that cunt McDowell wouldn’t issue those café bar licences and if you think I’m going own a place where people come to drink and there’s no booze then you can think again.
In short, Starbucks is for cunts.
Anonymous says:
Hey Anonymous Dub …
You’re right that James Joyce wasn’t a Dub at all, at all or any of the other literary greats because for a start they could ‘read’ and ‘write’
Proper Dub me arse sunshine, unless your family has lived at least three to four generations inside of the North & South Circular you can’t call yourself a Dub.
So go gargle your coddle n chips whilst you lick the love sweat off Jason Sherlock’s back (another ‘real’ Dub).
August 19th, 2005 at 11:11 am
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August 19th, 2005 at 11:55 am
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Sub-Comandante Vroome Fondol says:
Damn right, Starbucks is for cunts with time on theirs hands.
August 19th, 2005 at 12:12 pm
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fatmammycat says:
I’m curious, who or what is a Jason Sherlock?
August 19th, 2005 at 12:33 pm
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Twenty Major says:
Jason Sherlock was the great, white hope of Dublin GAA.
And by white I mean Vietnamese boat person.
August 19th, 2005 at 12:48 pm
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sol says:
Twenty
I cant believe you are letting that tool get away with his Northampton photographer advert.
August 19th, 2005 at 12:51 pm
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fatmammycat says:
Thank you Twenty, I take it he wasn’t GAA to the core then?
August 19th, 2005 at 12:59 pm
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Twenty Major says:
No, FMC, but he’d ruv you rong time.
Sol - I left it there on purpose.
August 19th, 2005 at 1:07 pm
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Johnny5 says:
“Jason Sherlock was the great, white hope of Dublin GAA.
And by white I mean Vietnamese boat person.”
Genius. Pure genius.
As for that wedding phot cunt, he’s a cunt.
August 19th, 2005 at 2:11 pm
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Nosmo King says:
Am a moderate Coffee drinker still prefer the Lyons or PG Tips though.
Tea of the American variety is like coloured hot water and tastes like piss.
I agree with Twenty, Starbucks is crap and wait until they start appearing like the plague as they have done in the USA. Imagine driving thru Kiltimagh and spotting one of these. Is Ireland a suburb of America and an Al Kida target. The D4 set will probably be the primary customer along with wanks visiting from the states.
If you are ever in Canada check out Tim Hortons for a decent cup of koffee, nearest one to you lot is in St Johns Newfoundland, bit of a swim….
August 19th, 2005 at 3:55 pm
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Johnny5 says:
I have a 2 man kayak, who’s with me?
August 19th, 2005 at 3:58 pm
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Twenty Major says:
Kunle, in about 2 months.
August 19th, 2005 at 4:04 pm
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Tommy says:
So whats the general feeling on Maxwell house then, I’m ehh, just asking like, a mate of mine drinks it…
August 19th, 2005 at 5:28 pm
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Andraste says:
DO NOT follow that wedding photographer link! It is SPAM! SPAM, I TELL YOU! RUN! Even if it isn’t, he’s used one of those fucking smiley face thingies…definitely a cunt.
August 19th, 2005 at 7:08 pm
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muff diver says:
Nosmo King,
Tim Hortons is pure shite, and it is now owned by Americans by the way!
August 19th, 2005 at 7:56 pm
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Mad Dog says:
Oh shit, another piece of spam (the Nottingham link) on blog comments. I’ve seen this kind of thing pop up all over the blog world in the past week. Twenty please do something: either delete the bastard or write to him in your own inimitable way…
Enough now, it’s the end of the week and I’m off to get a venti, three shot, de-caff, non-fat, mocha frappuccino with whipped cream. Have a nice evening!
August 20th, 2005 at 2:12 am
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Dubliner in Sydney says:
And whats wrong with a mug of bovril and a crust of fuccin bread to get ya going in the mornin eh ?
August 20th, 2005 at 9:37 am
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bob says:
Starbucks are already in Ireland- they are in both Belfast and Antrim you Dublin centric arrogant feck. If it hasn’t happened in Dublin it hasn’t happened, is that it. And don’t offer the ‘when I meant Ireland, I meant the Republic excuse, cause that would just make you a FreeState southern Unionist’.
Let the punters (i.e. the market) decide where they get their coffee, free market economics rocks.
bob
August 20th, 2005 at 2:02 pm
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Twenty Major says:
Is this Slugger O’Twenty or did I miss something?
Anyway Bob, we all know Northern Ireland isn’t a real country.
August 20th, 2005 at 4:22 pm
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Morning-Loves-It says:
Oh I am laughing so much. Thanks.
August 21st, 2005 at 11:34 am
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Anonymous says:
carry that shit around in cartons taking sips and pretending to be so bloody busy that they can’t sit down to drink their bloody over expensive coffee
That’s just not true (anymore). They’re too bloody busy to drink their over expensive pro-biotic joghurt before they cross the street to avoid the bus queue.
August 22nd, 2005 at 10:20 pm
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bob says:
NI is not a real country because you Free State betraying cunts left us to rot with the Occupiers.
The irish government have invented a time machine - it’s called the M1 Motorway to the North - sends you back in time 300 years.
August 23rd, 2005 at 3:41 pm
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JayeL says:
How about this for an approach to Starbucks?
I’m Irish. Irish people aren’t that into coffee, really. Whenever I have coffee, it’s so I won’t throw it back like tea. I couldn’t tell a mochachino (sp?) from a frappachino (again, sp?) but I had a latte in a Starbucks in London once and I thought it was the business.
As evil multinationals go, Starbucks aren’t the worst. It’s just trendy to give out about them, ever since that (very good) joke in Austin Powers and a piss-take on South Park. Starbucks coffee might be muck to you, but milky tea is muck to me and yet I don’t berate people for drinking it.
Basically, if Irish coffee shops gave what Irish people wanted in coffee etc. then Starbucks will fail. If they haven’t, Starbucks will dominate. And judging by the queues in Dundrum, it looks like they’ll be opening 3 more there before too long.
August 25th, 2005 at 9:37 am
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Anonymous says:
Congratulations, you’re Irish, clapity fucking clap.
August 26th, 2005 at 7:34 pm
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Anonymous says:
Fair dinkum - Starbucks, Micky D’s and any other corporate wank food IS for cunts… I wonder if the cream in the their frappocinos is wanked out by chinese prep cooks. Remember what happened in Bray a while back.. jaysus!
September 11th, 2005 at 10:42 am
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