Shut up with your own opinions

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on July 13th, 2005

God, every day I have to talk to people and listen to their opinions on things. It’s tremendously tiresome because most of the time their opinions are completely and utterly wrong. They’re wrong because they don’t tally with my opinions on the same subject. Some examples:

I think we should have our breaks differently. We should have two 10 minute breaks and one of 30 minutes rather than the one long break we have now - Sorry, but you’re wrong. I decide when you get your breaks and how they’re for and if you’re fucking one minute over tomorrow I’m going to stab you in the eye with a fucking pencil. You’re not paid to think. Shut up and just do your cunting job.

I like the new Coldplay album. It’s got a good beat. - Shut up, you’re wrong. Coldplay, in my opinion, are shite. He’s a beaky nosed tosser who’s married to that dippy geebag Gwynneth Cameltoe. That makes them wankers and if you like wankers then you’re a wanker because it wankers of a feather flock together.

In my opinion you should stop giving me all these reports to do. - If I didn’t hate you maybe I wouldn’t but the fact that I do hate you makes it important for me to give you those reports and therefore makes your opinion about as valid as George Bush’s claim that we’re winning the ‘war on terror’, now have that dossier on my desk by the morning or I’m going to send an email to the whole office from your email address ‘by mistake’ saying how much you loved getting rimmed by the bloke who works in the canteen in the George on Saturday night.

Someone once said ‘Opinions are like arseholes, everyone’s got one.’ That’s not true, actually, so your opinion about opinions is wrong, whoever you are who said that. I remember being on holidays in South America and in a small town in Mexico there was a freak show which had bearded ladies, hare-lippers, a couple of flids and a bloke they called ‘Los Culos’ who had two fully functional arseholes. A double turtle’s tail was an extremely impressive sight, I have to say.

Anyway, that’s beside the point. Fuck diversity, piss off variation, smell yer ma variance and you can shove your mélange up your arse. The world would be a much more agreeable place if people stopped being so disagreeable with me.