Monthly Archives: July 2005
IRA Statement
“Dear cuntos, yes, I know we’ve been blowing people up willy-nilly for years now and justifying it with some tired old shite about a united Ireland. You, me and the wall know that’s never going to happen so we, the … Continue reading
Morning after pill for girls of 11
Well, it’s been all over the news about how the Minister for Health, Jabba the Harney, reckons girls as young as 11 should be given the morning after pill to prevent pregnancy if they are sexually active. Seriously, 11 years … Continue reading
Pitch a fit, you cunt
Dirty Dave has photo sensitive epilepsy, he told us last night. This is something they invented a couple of years ago to make films sound more interesting. They never announce anything like it in the cinema but on TV before … Continue reading
Attention Blogosphere
I’ve tried to keep quiet over this but it’s just gone too far now. I’m sick and tired of Irish bloggers using letters and combinations of same to make words. Furthermore they seem bent on arranging these words in a … Continue reading
Double entendres
Aren’t double entendres great? You say something totally innocent but everyone knows you mean something completely different. Of course I don’t mean anything different with these. Nope. Nothing different. For example: Paris Hilton has a talent for hitting things with … Continue reading
Ethnic cleansing and other stuff
Stinking Pete was spouting in the pub the other day about all the bombs in London and he put forward a solution. Says he “I think the Muslims should be ethnically cleansed. Then they can go about their business without … Continue reading
*bring bring*
“Hello Eircom net technical support, Jason speaking. How can I help you?” “You’re a cunt.” “Pardon?” “I seem to be having some trouble getting connected.” “Ok, what’s your username please?” “Eat shit, cocksucker.” “Erm….” “twentymajor. I’m using a normal old … Continue reading
Lucky Luciano
So our new chum was telling us about some of the people he’s knocked off in his career. He swore me and Jimmy to secrecy so you cunts better keep your mouths shut an’ all. Princess Diana: Lucky says he … Continue reading
Calling all dealers…
This weekend sees the European Convention and Conference of Narcotics Anonymous come to Citywest in Dublin. More than 1,000 former drug addicts will attend. Wouldn’t it be a larf to work out there in the bar or as a waiter, … Continue reading
New regular
There’s a new regular in Ron’s place. Well, he’s been coming in for about a year now but he has been deemed entertaining enough to sit at the bar and talk to us. There have been plenty of people who … Continue reading
There’s a new regular in Ron’s place. Well, he’s been coming in for about a year now but he has been deemed entertaining enough to sit at the bar and talk to us.
There have been plenty of people who wanted to get the Major/Bollix seal of approval. There was the lad from Macroom whose ruddy cheeks were his downfall. You can’t go anywhere with someone who looks like they’re blushing all the time – especially when you have mischief and skullduggery planned.
There was Bomber Steve, so called because he always wore a bomber jacket. Turns out we were way off, he was arrested with a shed full of chemicals, timing devices and blue and red wires. Apparently he would drive down the country, strap a device to a heifer and blow the poor fucker to bits. He’s still in Mountjoy and his Al-Coweda organisation is pretty much defunct now.
Then there was former radio star Tony Fenton who used to come in wearing his big leather jacket with tassly bits having parked his Harley Davidson outside. Jimmy hated him. “Can I get you groovy chaps anything?” he asked one night. “You can get yourself some decent health insurance”, said Jimmy. Fenton laughed. Fenton woke up naked in a car park on Mount Venus Road up the Dublin mountains. He never did come back.
Anyway, the new bloke is funny. He’d been coming in most evenings for the last year, as I said, but pretty much kept himself to himself. Sometimes he came in with a friend but more often than not he was on his own. One evening last week he was on his way to the toilet when he bumped into Jimmy’s chair. He stopped, looked Jimmy straight in the face and said in his funny accent “I’m-a-sorry ………. but if you a do that again I focking glass you in a the face.”
I nearly fell off my stool and did another stool with the laughter. Jimmy thought it was most amusing too so we invited him to sit with us. He’s from somewhere called Livorno and his name is Luciano. In the great tradition he’s been named Lucky Luciano and amazingly for an Italian he’s not here working in a chipper owned by his uncle. He told us he’s an assassin, but he’s a compassionate assassin and will only kill people he really thinks should be killed.
He could be an interesting one to have around….