Archive for May, 2005
PETA are fucking cunts
by Twenty Major on May 11th, 2005
I read this morning that PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) are to hand out buckets of fake blood and bones to schoolchildren as a protest against KFC.
Now, while KFC certainly deserve a good kicking for their singing commercials, these PETA cunts do my fucking head in.
‘PETA claim KFC executives would go to jail if they treated cats or dogs the way they treated chickens.’ I don’t see PETA campaigning outside any of Dublin’s many Chinese restaurants, do you? Yet they roam the streets for strays and people’s pets to serve up to us as chicken or pork. Where are you then, PETA, you glory-hunting cocksmokers?
These kind of shock tactics are just ridiculous though. You can make your point without buckets of blood - look at what happened when those crazy teenagers tried it in Carrie. Are PETA prepared for the consequences if one of the schoolkids has mind bending powers and sets everyone on fire and stuff? No doubt they’ll blame it on the chemicals that are put into meat or something.
While I’m all for animals not being tortured what PETA fail to realise is that animals are food and most, if not all, of them are delicious. Vegetarianism is a disease like anorexia, bulimia and AIDS and if they start young children down that path then so help me I’m going to kidnap them and force-feed them meat, especially veal, until they puke. Then I’ll make them eat their own meaty vomit.
They’ve tried shock-tactics before as well. Well known celebrities and models posing for pictures to protest against fur coats before they go home and have wild, cocaine fuelled sex in their mink coats on top of their ermine duvets. It’s all a load of hypocritical monkey bollocks.
This quote from PETA: “We would never use shock tactics with children. Children are so naturally empathetic to animals that we focus on showing chickens as intelligent with distinctive personalities, just like pet cats and dogs.”
Yes, look how intelligent this bucket of blood, beaks, bones and feathers is. Aren’t they delightful creatures? If I knew where they were going to be I’d go down there wearing the fur of a little baby seal and throw the chops of little baby lambs and the livers and kidneys and little baby calves at them, the fucking cunts.
Children have enough crap to deal with - not getting raped, murdered, exams, having the latest mobile phone etc - without this to warp their tiny little minds even further.
So, to conclude, PETA are cunts and should fuck off. Thank you.
More beer please, we’re Irish
by Twenty Major on May 10th, 2005
The President of the Vintner’s Association has claimed that the new Café bar licences, like the one I spoke about yesterday, will only encourage binge drinking and he’s very unhappy about that because he wants people to binge drink in pubs and not other places.
I think the new licences are a great idea. For too long we’ve been slaves to the pub. Now we can go elsewhere and get drinks. Perhaps it doesn’t go too far though. Think of all the other great places you could have a beer.
- Petrol stations: How long does it take to fill your car up? Surely there’s enough time for a pint. As you’re putting petrol in the tank you could fill up a glass from the beer pump beside the petrol one.
- Waiting room: Doctors, dentists, hospitals, that place you get when you need a birth certificate. All boring as fuck. Slap a bar in the corner and it makes waiting much easier plus it would make people talk to each other more and make us more social.
- Church: Attendances at mass have been falling for years. I know I’d be tempted to go if I could sink a pint while the lad in the dress did his holy stuff up the top. Not many people know that the Catholic Church in Ireland is given a subsidy which would allow them to undercut the price of beer in bars by 50%. It’s shocking they don’t provide this service to their customers. Get with the times, Churchers.
- Taxis: Sometimes you can find yourself in a car with a very entertaining taxi driver. Other times you’re in the car with someone you’d rather feed to a hungry panther. Having a hotel style mini-bar in the back would be a perfect way to make the uninteresting bloke more bearable.
- Supermarkets: What a pain in the hoop those places are. Install a bar and put a bar pint holder on the trolley and shopping will never be such fun. Incidents of trolley-rage would decrease sharply as people would be more relaxed and too much in need of a piss to fight.
- Intensive care units: Poor bloke, lying there all bandaged from head to toe after a horrific accident. In traction. Can’t move his arms or legs. And we’re denying him beer? What have we become? ICU pints could be delivered intravenously giving blessed relief to those who need it most.
- Courts: How many fuckers go to court every day and lie through their teeth? Loads of fuckers, that’s how many. Lash a few beers into them though and they become braggers of the highest order and will admit and confess to the crimes they have committed. Easy.
Anywhere else you reckon we need beer?
Twenty’s Bar and Grill
by Twenty Major on May 9th, 2005
I see these new ‘Café bar’ licences could be going for as little as €5,000. I’m thinking of getting one. I was talking about it with Jimmy the Bollix last night and we reckon we’re going to find a little place, get the licence and open up serving delicious booze to deserving customers. We were thinking about Bewleys on Grafton Street, for the laugh, but decided all the wanky poet bastards in town would come to get in touch with literary Dublin and I don’t want that.
See, people like that would have a coffee or perhaps a glass of shandy and sit all day writing their stupid poems. That sort of behaviour would be unacceptable in my café bar. Some of the rules we came up with were:
- You must drink booze of some kind. If you want coffee why not have a dash of rum or whiskey in it? Don’t be a gay, Starbucks loving windbag. You can get coffee at home. Enjoy your time outside the house and have a proper drink.
- You must drink a regular amount of booze. One drink does not give you the right to sit at a table for hours and hours. You must drink at least two drinks an hour. The first time you fall below this standard you will be punched in the face as a reminder. The second time you will be escorted from the premises by two enormous black bouncers that I will import from New York.
- There will be no alcopops. It will be proper booze - beer, wine and spirits. Strawberry gins and anything in Liberace style coloured bottles is out. As is Red Bull, there’s simply no call for that muck and anyone who drinks Vodka and Red Bull is a hopeless cunt. Asking for Red Bull will result in a punch in the face.
- Only people sitting at the bar may be miserable. If you’re sitting at a table you must be jolly, laugh long and heartily and slap your thighs at regular intervals to display what a fine time you’re having.
- There will be food. It will be nice. There will not, however, be wanky food like a ‘Curtain of veal on a blanket of wild brown rice’ or ‘A medley of salmon served with a corpse of potatoes and a cable of fresh garden vegetables’. That sort of food is for cunts. There will be rolls with sausage, bacon and sausage, bacon, egg and sausage and bacon, egg, sausage and white pudding. They will be delicious and cheap. There may be chips. I haven’t decided yet.
- There will be a juke box filled with fantastic songs which you can choose from at any time. There will also be one Damien Rice song. Anyone who chooses the Damien Rice song will be punched in the face until the song ends.
- You may smoke. Fuck those cunts.
- Tourists will be welcome but will pay a Tourist Charge of €5 per person. I think it’s only fair. Spanish students will not be allowed. The management reserves the right to refuse admission to travellers.
And that’s the plan. I’ll give you the nod when we get our licence and location sorted out. I expect to see you all there…
Tony….Blair….isacunt
by Twenty Major on May 7th, 2005
Well, we all know that but is it just me or he slowly turning into Captain Kirk/William Shatner?
I watched him talking about his historic third term yesterday outside Downing Street and he might as well have been on the bridge of the Enterprise. With his style of speech and twitchy body movements he’s a Kirk double. Watch closely next time you see him on telly.
“I know the …warinIraqwas….deeply devisive…but I also … knowandbelievethat ….after this election…. peoplewanttmoveon. They want to … focusonthefuture… in Iraq… andhere.”
Somebody beam the cunt up.
Bang bang, you’re dead - 50 bullets in your head
by Twenty Major on May 6th, 2005
So criminal Mark Byrne was given a one day release rom Mountjoy Prison yesterday on compassionate leave. He left the jail, went into a shop and bought credit for his mobile phone and when he came out some bloke came up to him, shot him three times and killed him.
Gardai believe the information about his release came from inside the prison and are putting it down as another gangland killing, the fifth so far in Dublin this year.
And are we supposed to be shocked by this? I suppose somebody getting shot to death in broad daylight is a fairly new thing in Ireland, unless you’re an investigative journalist in which case you’d be just waiting for it to happen. Anyway, shouldn’t we just be thankful that the gangs are knocking each other off? Less scumbags on the street that way. The police, who are unarmed, can do fuck all about it really, better that the crims do the dirty work for them.
People might point to the growth of organised crime but I have already provided a near perfect solution to wiping it out altogether. Follow those simple steps and you’re laughing.
Either that or we need an Irish Chopper Read who claims to have knocked off plenty of criminals in his time. He’d probably be called Basher Murphy or Slugger O’Toole or something. Given carte blanche he could assemble a team of crack assassins who plundered the depths of the criminal world torturing, maiming and killing until Ireland was a safe place again. Then we could send them to sort out the North.
Anyway, point is I’m not going to lose any sleep over a dead criminal. Neither should you. Unless you’re a criminal.
This book thing…
by Twenty Major on May 5th, 2005
I was asked every so nicely by that girl to do one of those answer questions someone else has on their blog things. I would like to make it clear that this is the only one I will ever do so the rest of you can cunt off. It’s about books though and I like books. So here:
You’re stuck inside Fahrenheit 451. Which book do you want to be?
It’s a long time since I read 451 but I think I would have to be Chronic Diarrhea - A Medical Dictionary, Bibliography, and Annotated Research Guide to Internet References. My reasons are my own.
Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
I had a strange fondness for Timmy the dog from the Famous Five in that I could always see him mounting George and giving the wretched little tomboy a good going over. Is that wrong?
The last book you bought is?
The last book I remember buying was ‘Gödel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid’ which looks at the points of contact between the music of Bach, the artwork of Escher and the mathematics of Gödel.
That was a few months ago now and it’s still sitting on the shelf daring me to get started on it. Which I haven’t. Mostly because I have absolutely no interest in the music of Bach, the artwork of Escher and the mathematics of Gödel or what connects them. It has a lovely cover though and I will read it one day. Honest.
What are you currently reading?
One Step Behind by Henning Mankel. It’s a Swedish crime novel. The most striking thing about it is how early the people in Sweden get up. They think nothing of waking at 4.30am which is quite insane but when you consider they eat elk bollocks and live beside those crazy Danes nothing should be a surprise.
Five books you would take to a desert island
1 - Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain. A top story from a booze guzzling, drug taking, knife wielding madman of a chef.
2 - Every single copy of the Davinci Code - on a desert island one needs fire and why chop down trees when this heap of badly written shite is crying out to be burnt? It is quite possibly one of the worst books I have ever read and it’s not often I agree with the Vatican but I’m with them when they say Dan Brown should be raped, tortured, mutilated and have his body dragged around the streets after being tied to the arse of a spastic pony.
3 - Only a game - Eamon Dunphy. He might be a sickly looking, deliberately controversial, pen chucking windbag but this diary style book about a season as Milwall player is well worth a read.
4 - Fishing for Dummies. For tips on how to spear delicious battered cod and breaded plaice.
5 - Bloom County babylon. A compendium of the comic strip Bloom County which is funny.
Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?
When it did become obligatory to use persons instead of people? What’s wrong with saying 3 people? Have you ever rung a restaurant and heard them say “And how many persons will be dining?”
Cunts. Just say people you fucking bastards. That drives me fucking mental.
The Little General
by Twenty Major on May 4th, 2005
A Dublin criminal known as the Little General was arrested yesterday in relation to a bank raid in Tallaght. His real name has not been released but I know who he is. Obviously then I can’t name him but I can tell you some things about him and you should tell all your friends so that when they hear about the Little General they immediately associate these things with him.
So here are some facts about the Little General from Dublin:
So now you know a little bit about Dublin’s newest and most outrageous criminal, the Little General.
Finally for today you’ll be glad to know that after a couple of weeks away due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control Dangermaus is back in orbit. Read all about it here
Illegal immigrants
by Twenty Major on May 3rd, 2005
Why is it ok for us to moan and bitch and make fun of illegal immigrants that come here, offering them fuck all apart from healthy social welfare payments and a place to stay at Ireland’s finest holiday home, yet the Catholic Church and Fine Gael are set to lobby the US Government over the 50,000 illegal Irish in the states? They say administrative changes should be made, just for the Irish, because illegal Irish are missing out on important family matters back here because they’re afraid to leave America in case they can’t get back in. Well, boo fucking hoo. They knew what they were doing when they left.
It’s not like the old days when their were no jobs here and all the spuds had gone bad. How can they ask for the Irish to be treated differently from the Mexicans and all the other kinds of Goobacks that live illegally in America? They’re as illegal, if perhaps not as smelly (although I’m ignoring people from Offaly - Ireland’s smelliest county - in all this), as all the others.
Proper Irish hypocrisy that. I say get the 50,000 Irish and make them fight 50,000 Mexicans or Eduadorians or Canadians in Gangs of New York style and whoever is left standing can stay and continue working in Irish bars, theme parks, kitchens and underground zinc mines.
Anyway, can’t the illegals just marry an American and get a green card? There must be a huge business opportunity there although I remember some film with that French bloke with the enormous nose marrying some girl and it seemed a little bit difficult in that they had to be seen to be living together as man and wife.
If Hollywood has taught is anything it’s that most films are fucking shit.
Where is Ciaran?
by Twenty Major on May 2nd, 2005
He used to write fantastic, rambling comments but he’s nowhere to be found these days.
Are you there, Ciaran? Are you?
Like, you know…
by Twenty Major on May 2nd, 2005
I’d always thought it was slightly overplayed and exaggerated when people took the piss out of people from California by peppering their speech with ‘like’, ‘like, you know…’, ‘totally’, ‘dude’ and so on.
Yesterday proved to me that it was, if anything, underplayed because the real thing is so like someone taking the piss that nobody would believe you. Sat behind me were a girl and a guy discussing life as loud as loud could be, oblivious that every word they said could be heard by anybody within a 400 yard radius.
The girl was talking about how her boyfriend moved up to San Francisco to be with her. “Dude, it was, like you know, totally cool but, like, one week later, like, he like dumped me and started dating this Italian girl.”
How he lasted a week I’ll never know. She went on to tell him all about how she, like, did a bunch of drugs and owed her parents, like, a bunch of money and like got in a car crash and l counted three thousand ‘likes’ in 10 minutes.
The guy was recently turned gay and he was bemoaning the fact if he and his chum went to the Middle East it could all end terribly. “You know” he told the girl, “if we like, went to like Saudi Arabia and, like, hooked up in the street we could like be totally put to death for, like, being homosexual.”
There should be a country where you can be put to death for being, like you know, a total and utter cunt.
Eventually it was too much for me and I had to leave. I’m just shocked that people like that really, truly exist and how do the normal Americans put up with people who speak like that? If you forbade them from saying those stock phrases they’d struggle to get two words out.
The big question is though: should it be legal to pull these peoples tongues out of their heads?
The answer, of course, is yes.