Irish Superheroes

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on May 19th, 2005

It’s a sad fact of Irish life that we’ve never had any superheroes - a normal person by day who has extra powers which he can use to save ordinary citizens from peril and danger from Machiavellian villains like Lex Luthor, the Green Goblin and Michael McDowell. So I got to thinking about this shocking deficiency and decided to invent a few myself. If anyone of you decide to take on the mantle of one of the heroes I give you below you need only pay me a small fee. So here goes:

Blackman: With so many bogus fugees in the country right now the stock of the dark man is pretty low. What better way to help integrate them into Irish society than a superhero who saves women from burning buildings, rescues cats from trees, disembowels travellers and Romanians, and who, when the job is done, can serenade us all with sweet soul music and hand out delicious fried chicken? Go Blackman!

AIDSman: With a costume that turns him into the shape of a giant cock, AIDSman’s foes will be all the cunts in Ireland, inserting himself into them and shooting them full of creamy AIDS. Achill Island will be cleared and made into a colony where they’re then sent to die. Go AIDSman!

The Scuttery Fart: When gangs of crusties go on a march with their bongos, lice and poorly-spelled banners to try and ‘reclaim the streets’ all we’ll need is an appearance from The Scuttery Fart to clear them away. He’ll get himself into the middle of the crowd then do one of those farts that dribbles a little bit of yellow poo down your leg. New technologies involving Guinness and kebabs will ensure his scuttery farts are two-hundred times more powerful than normal. The stench will drive away the crusties, some of whom will impale themselves on the gates of Trinity College to escape the odour of death than emanates from his roaring red ringpiece. Go The Scuttery Fart!

Joe de Taxi: Joe will have a special car, like Batman’s except it can carry 7 and a baby’s buggy, which can snatch people from the streets with lightning fast pincers. Whenever a fight is about to start outside Club 92 Joe de Taxi will sense it, grab one of the fighting groups and then drive them home, all the while telling them about how things were much better ‘back in de day, y’know’. Go Joe de Taxi.

The Judge: Able to transform himself into any Judge in the country this superhero wouldn’t pay attention to the secret societies that exist to protect high profile people from people ever finding out all the shit they get up to. He’d sentence child molesters and make them reveal what they know instead of just giving them a slap on the wrist in return for their silence. Go The Judge!

Pants on Fireman: As well as getting the cities firefighters to finally put some clothes on this hero would have the power to immolate anybody caught lying in public. Able to flit between Dail Eireann, any gathering of Northern Ireland politicians and OJ Simpson’s house within seconds a few sacrificial lambs would ensure the world is a better, most honest place. Go Pants on Fireman!

The Moving Statue: This stealth hero or heroine will take on the shape of a statue of the Virgin Mary. Actually, this will have to be a woman because all male superheroes have enormous testicles which would be hard to conceal. Anyway, The Moving Statue would be present at the meetings of all the top criminals in the country and nobody would bat an eyelid because they’re all deeply religious, being priests and bishops an’ all. When they reveal their next dastardly plan The Moving Statue leaps forward and knocks them all out with a boxing glove on a spring that shoots from her quim. Uppercut-tastic! Go The Moving Statue!

There are just a few potential superheroes - and you’ll note I didn’t mention anything about Potato Man, The Drunken Writer or The Swimming Coach. Can you think of any more?