Twenty’s Bar and Grill
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on May 9th, 2005
I see these new ‘Café bar’ licences could be going for as little as €5,000. I’m thinking of getting one. I was talking about it with Jimmy the Bollix last night and we reckon we’re going to find a little place, get the licence and open up serving delicious booze to deserving customers. We were thinking about Bewleys on Grafton Street, for the laugh, but decided all the wanky poet bastards in town would come to get in touch with literary Dublin and I don’t want that.
See, people like that would have a coffee or perhaps a glass of shandy and sit all day writing their stupid poems. That sort of behaviour would be unacceptable in my café bar. Some of the rules we came up with were:
- You must drink booze of some kind. If you want coffee why not have a dash of rum or whiskey in it? Don’t be a gay, Starbucks loving windbag. You can get coffee at home. Enjoy your time outside the house and have a proper drink.
- You must drink a regular amount of booze. One drink does not give you the right to sit at a table for hours and hours. You must drink at least two drinks an hour. The first time you fall below this standard you will be punched in the face as a reminder. The second time you will be escorted from the premises by two enormous black bouncers that I will import from New York.
- There will be no alcopops. It will be proper booze - beer, wine and spirits. Strawberry gins and anything in Liberace style coloured bottles is out. As is Red Bull, there’s simply no call for that muck and anyone who drinks Vodka and Red Bull is a hopeless cunt. Asking for Red Bull will result in a punch in the face.
- Only people sitting at the bar may be miserable. If you’re sitting at a table you must be jolly, laugh long and heartily and slap your thighs at regular intervals to display what a fine time you’re having.
- There will be food. It will be nice. There will not, however, be wanky food like a ‘Curtain of veal on a blanket of wild brown rice’ or ‘A medley of salmon served with a corpse of potatoes and a cable of fresh garden vegetables’. That sort of food is for cunts. There will be rolls with sausage, bacon and sausage, bacon, egg and sausage and bacon, egg, sausage and white pudding. They will be delicious and cheap. There may be chips. I haven’t decided yet.
- There will be a juke box filled with fantastic songs which you can choose from at any time. There will also be one Damien Rice song. Anyone who chooses the Damien Rice song will be punched in the face until the song ends.
- You may smoke. Fuck those cunts.
- Tourists will be welcome but will pay a Tourist Charge of €5 per person. I think it’s only fair. Spanish students will not be allowed. The management reserves the right to refuse admission to travellers.
And that’s the plan. I’ll give you the nod when we get our licence and location sorted out. I expect to see you all there…
Tommy says:
Sounds like a winner. By any chance would there be a topless east European waitress, preferably good looking.
Or better still,a topless Asian waitress. And burgers.
May 9th, 2005 at 1:02 pm
Twenty Major says:
Burgers, yes. Topless women, no. And especially not Eastern European ones.
They transfix you with their nips so you don’t notice them robbing your wallet.
May 9th, 2005 at 1:07 pm
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William Young says:
Well, it sounds like it would be the bar I would visit, except for one thing:
I never pay cover charge.
And, no, I wouldn’t pay the [insert foreign currency squiggly mark]5 just to pull your beard.
May 9th, 2005 at 1:38 pm
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Julius Geezer says:
Quick question: would wearing a polo-neck, blazer and sitting with one’s legs crossed result in a punch in the face?
May 9th, 2005 at 4:25 pm
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Anonymous says:
Twenty, please say yes to Julian or I’m not coming.
– Annie
May 9th, 2005 at 5:17 pm
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Tommy says:
Julius, was that you I saw walking up George’s street with a polo neck,check blazer and a pipe in your mouth?
If so, ones a cunt.
May 9th, 2005 at 5:27 pm
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Bane says:
Will you have Hot Links? My favorite bar food. They keep a pot full of them at a slow boil all day. The barman pulls one out with the tongs, and places it diagonal on a slice of white punk bread, and hands it to you on a napkin along with a squirt bottle of good yellow mustard.
Slather mustard on it and enjoy. Fuckers are so hot they make you sweat, but damn they’re good. Later, when you shit the jalapeno seeds, you will likely cry out to Jesus, but I cannot resist them.
May 9th, 2005 at 7:27 pm
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Mad Dog says:
Sounds great. But I must have missed out on popular culture living in Seattle for the last 4 years. Who the hell is Damien Rice -is she famous?
May 9th, 2005 at 9:00 pm
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Twenty Major says:
William - €2.50 and that’s my final offer. You can bring a friend in too.
Julius - wearing such attire would indeed result in a punch in the face and ejection with hastily scrawled directions to the Polo club.
Bane - If all it takes is leaving the things in hot water then I see no problem. Apart from the shitting fire bit.
John - ‘She’ - heh
May 9th, 2005 at 10:02 pm
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William Young says:
Well, so long as my friend pays, we’re in.
Someone will have to explain the squiggly mark currency conversion to him, though.
And if your bartender pours a weak glass of whisky, I’m chucking a stool through the window.
Just because I’m a culturally insensitive American is why.
May 10th, 2005 at 4:18 am
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Mother says:
Julius…..don’t you mean a punch in “one’s” face?
May 10th, 2005 at 7:06 am
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Julius Geezer says:
Yes Mother.
May 10th, 2005 at 11:26 am
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Beth Donovan says:
I’m not to fond of charging travelers - but it sounds like the kind of place I’d like to spend a few hours in.
May 14th, 2005 at 9:04 pm
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Knut Albert says:
I have taken the liberty to quote and link to you post, even though I am a foreigner!
Cheers!
August 31st, 2005 at 4:42 pm
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