Russians

by Twenty Major on May 31st, 2005

Do you know that if you don’t understand Russian but attempt to talk a Russian using sign language and wild gesticulations they’ll look at you as if they have no idea what you’re on about and get cross and walk off when you start shouting at them?

Fucking cunting Russians.

Check in

by Twenty Major on May 31st, 2005

Morning dear readers,

as I may have mentioned, or more likely forgotten in a drunken stupour, I am currently away from Dublin in a highly secret location carrying out important negotiations which could have a major influence on the world today as we know it.

Should all things go well then I will have wiped out an entire race of people, exterminated at least 18 endangered species, destroyed some priceless artifacts and taken a large number of snapshots of me pooing on the corpses/wreckage.

More to follow…

If I could…

by Twenty Major on May 28th, 2005

…use a Justin Timberlake song to describe this morning’s stool it would be ‘Poo me a river’.

Oh, good shot, Sir.

by Twenty Major on May 27th, 2005

So yesterday a couple of members of a well known criminal gang set off to rob a post office in north county Dublin. Somehow the Gardai got wind of this and set off to stop them. When they arrived there was a bit of a shoot-out, Deadwood style, and now there are two less scumbags on the streets.

The gang had been responsible for numerous armed robberies around Dublin and it’s thought the money they’d have stolen from this one was to be use to fund a major drugs purchase and there were links between these men, their boss and the IRA. All in all the world is a better place without these cunts.

However, I read this morning that Amnesty International have called for an inquiry into the shooting. I’d just like to take this opportunity to tell Amnesty International to go fuck themselves the fucking cunts. What the fuck are they on about?

These were seasoned criminals, who had they got away with this one would have just carried on stealing, robbing and possibly killing or injuring innocent people. I’m quite sure they’d have shot the fuck out of whoever was in their way yesterday had they not had their faces blown off first. Quite why Amnesty feels they should get involved in beyond me. They should stick to campaigns about South American poets who have been in jail for the last 20 years and proper human rights abuses. As far as I’m concerned if you go around with a shotgun or other weapon, attempt to steal money and are prepared to use extreme force then you forfeit your human rights.

If you get shot in the bollocks, tough fucking shit, you cunt. If you’re badly injured and in pain I’ll laugh at you while you writhe around on the floor. If you die I won’t shed a fucking tear.

Well done to the Gardai, I’ve long advocated the need to rid Dublin of criminals and putting them in jail doesn’t do the job. Only killing them to death, fatally, will work. Keep it up, boyos.

On another entirely different note…

by Twenty Major on May 26th, 2005

…coffee, first thing in the morning, really makes me need to poo.

More strange beasts

by Twenty Major on May 26th, 2005

Continuing the theme from yesterday I got to thinking about what the world would be like if there really were mythical creatures like you read about in books. Imagine a place where there were unicorns, dragons, griffins and Red Indians. What fun places zoos would be, eh?

PLEASE DO NOT PUT YOUR HAND THROUGH THE BARS - THE DRAGON WILL EAT IT.

Obviously these mythical creatures were born out of ignorance, people had no access to the internet back then to identify the things they saw for the first time. Most to blame, of course, were sailors.

Yes, they were brave men who sailed the seas in wooden ships, coping with massive waves, vicious storms and gales and having only barrels of rum and anal sex with each other to keep them sane. But every time they saw something new it immediately became a ‘SEA MONSTER’.

It’s 1492, Columbus is sailing towards America. One of the crew shouts “Arrr, there be a sea monster!”. Further inspection reveals it to be a moray eel. A while later, “Arrrr, another sea monster. Hold me close, deck-hand! Closer. Closer. Arrr, that’s it.”

Anyway, all these sea monsters turned out to be sharks, whales, giant eels, manta rays, giant squid, octopii and rock singer Meatloaf.

Now, regular readers might think that I have a point to make in order to finish off this post. However, the sad truth is…

New Dangermaus…

by Twenty Major on May 25th, 2005

….with a Star Wars feel. Read. Enjoy. New Dangermaus!

Do you know what I hate?

by Twenty Major on May 25th, 2005

Fucking scorpions, and I don’t mean the German soft-rock band either, nor do I mean actually fucking scorpions. It would be impossible anyway because female scorpions don’t have a gee and shoot their babies out of their mouths.

Scorpions are absolute and utter cunts with no regard for anybody’s feelings. They scuttle around looking for people to stab with their tails, very much like the people of Limerick.

They’re sneaky little cunts too, hiding in your boots so not only do they sting you in the foot you most likely crush them when you put your boots on. I don’t know about you but the idea of crushing a scorpion with my bare foot makes me want to vomit. Having scorpion guts on the outside and scorpion poison on the inside - that’s a double-whammy.

Scorpions are racists too. They mostly sting black people or people who live in jungles or deserts. That’s pretty fucking harsh from what’s essentially an arachnid on steroids. They’re also complete cowards lacking any kind of spine.

Some scorpions can grow to the size of a labrador puppy. These are called mega-scorpions. If you ever get trapped in alleyway by one of these stand perfectly still. It’s not that they can’t see you, they can, but they’re total copycats and if you stand still they’ll stand still. Scorpions are lazy too and can fall asleep standing up. When this happens you can sneak off.

Scorpions are afraid of only three things:

1- Fire: They will try and sting themselves to death if surrounded by fire. Scorpions are fucking stupid too because they are immune to their own venom.

2 - Mongooses: Mongooses love to eat scorpions and often have barbequeues and invite all their mongoose chums around for a scorpion buffet.

3 - Cabbage: If you cover a scorpion in cabbage it will explode. If you’re going to a scorpion infested country like Wales or the Isle of Man it’s always a good idea to have some cabbage in your pocket. It might stink but if you get attacked by a gang of vicious stabbing scorpions you’ll be glad you had it.

In conclusion scorpions are fucking cunts.

Casinos in Dublin

by Twenty Major on May 24th, 2005

So Dermot Desmond, half-reverse brother of Bishop Desmond Tutu, is looking to open a casino in Dublin.

Me and Jimmy the Bollix and Ron the Barman’s brother, Staring Larry, spent a week in Las Vegas once. Larry speaks about three words a year but is some kind of savant so he has this head for numbers that can’t be beaten. He can also count cards as quick as any dealer can deal them. So we went with Larry and began to clean up playing 21. They brought over different dealers, when we’d won about $25,000 they were offering us suites for the night, when we were up to $40,000 they started getting really suspicious and when we had won $75,000 between 21 and roulette we could feel every camera in the place aimed at us.

The floor manager of the casino came over to congratulate Larry on his run of good luck and said “Well son, you’re the most natural card shark I’ve ever seen.”

That was his big mistake. Larry has an unnatural fear of sharks and the word ’shark’ makes him go completely mental. What was also unfortunate is that Larry was born with a slight birth defect which left him with an enormous right arm which kind of hangs backwards and at the end is a watermelon of a fist. He doesn’t seem to have any sensation in it either although he can use it fine. One of Ron’s party tricks was stabbing Larry right through his arm with a large kitchen knife. He never even flinched.

So, after scaring the shite out the madman the floor boss found himself being clubbed repeatedly by a giant arm and monstrous fist while Larry screamed ‘SHARK! SHARK! SHARK! SHARK! SHARK!’ over and over again in the voice of Marlon Brando from the Godfather, his favourite film of all time.

By the time the security guys had got over the floor manager had been battered to the ground and was vomiting everywhere because Larry’s jacket had come off and he could see the deformed arm which, to be fair, is absolutely minging to look at.

Anyway, we got kicked out and they wouldn’t let us keep our winnings saying the money would pay for the reconstructive surgery the blood and vomit covered floor manager would need.

So, obviously when this casino in Dublin opens we’re going to be there in a fucking shot, Larry in tow. If you’re working there my advice is leave us alone or I’ll say ‘SHARK!’ and let Larry and his poxy arm take care of you.

Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith

by Twenty Major on May 23rd, 2005

I went to see this on Friday night. There are many times in my life I’ve wished for a lightsabre. Or a lightsabre-toothed tiger. Come on technology, get with the times. Overall I thought it was pretty good although George Lucas is to writing dialogue what Elton John is to not taking it up the chuff. Anyway, I thought you might be interested in some little known Star Wars facts.

- The character of Han Solo was originally to be called ‘Malachy Magopaleen’ but Lucas changed it at the last minute when Harisson Ford punched him in the testicles.

- All Ewoks from Return of the Jedi were burnt to death at the end of shooting. Sadly some dwarves were unable to remove their costumes and perished in searing agony.

- Carrie Fisher once got roasted by Chewbacca and Lando Calrissian on the roof of the Millenium Falcon.

- RD+D2-C3/PO = Pi

- In his school reports Lucas was called a ‘weakly skulker’ by teachers. Scribbling that down on a piece of paper he re-arranged the letters and came up with the name ‘Luke Skywalker’. He was unable to do anything with the phrase ‘Must work harder, the beardy shite.’

- The US government under Ronald Reagan was well known for its ‘Star Wars’ defence program but not many people realise they’ve been building a real life Death Star on the dark side of the moon.

- Every single storm trooper was gay.

- Former Irish footballer Paul McGrath played bounty hunter Bobba Fett in the new series of films but he was digitally replaced by a completely different actor after he kept turning up on set eating kebabs. George Lucas is violently allergic to red cabbage.

- Jabba the Hut’s character was based on how Karen Carpenter saw herself when she looked in the mirror.

- Yoda said “Fear is the path to the dark side”. Other paths to the dark side include religion, not drinking enough alcohol, Damien Rice and capers.

So there are some Star Wars facts for you to amaze your friends and colleagues with today. May the force be with you, go now or forever hold your peace. Or something.