Job application letter

by Twenty Major on April 5th, 2005

Dear The Vatican,

in response to your advertisement in the Irish Independent jobs section on April 4th 2005 I would like to apply for the position of Bishop of Rome, better known as The Pope. I believe that I have the qualifications, experience, spirituality and enthusiam that you are looking for.

Let me begin by saying that although my experience of regular day to day churchery is maybe not quite at the level you might normally consider acceptable for a highly prized gig like this I am quite an accomplished orator as Jimmy the Bollix and any of the lads down at my local will tell you. I have no problems whatsoever with public speaking so if you’re planning to take in Dublin on your world tour a million people in the Phoenix Park would be no sweat. I can tell jokes on just about any subject and if there’s a problem with the backing tapes or the auto-cue goes tits up I can ad-lib for hours on end.

As you can see from my enclosed CV I am currently working as a shepherd. The Bible says ‘The Lord is my shepherd’ and I assume the Pope role would put me in the position of Super-Ultimate-Power-Shepherd whilst a billion Catholics would become my biddable flock. If you’ve ever worked with sheep you’ll know they’re absolute cunts and don’t do a thing you say. Working with people will be an absolute cinch. I would have to give my current employers two weeks notice but I think I could get away with a week if push came to shove.

I know the Catholic Church has had some difficulties in the past and I believe I can bring a new life to the job which would enable us to win back many of the people who have left the Church and bring on board thousands of new converts. Obviously this is something we can discuss during the interview but to give you a brief example I would castrate and put to death all paedophile priests - so nobody could accuse the Church of being soft on kiddy-fiddlers - and at the same time develop a brand of Vatican branded rubber johnnies which we would distribute throughout Africa to help prevent the spread of AIDS.

I realise that mutilation, murder, pre-marital sex and contraception are emotive issues for many people, least of all the Cardinals and Bishops, but weren’t these the very things the Catholic Church was built on? Everyone remembers Torquemada but who remembers the liberal Bishop of Down and Connor? Exactly.

Also a new line of homosexual priests would help bring the ever-increasing gay population back to the Church. The pink pound (or Euro in this day and age) would make a huge difference when it comes to collecting our tithes, and let’s not forget what their choreography, hairdressing and fashion designing skills would bring to those special occasions.

I have a very well-developed sense of right and wrong, important for someone in a position of such authority, and have previously demonstrated my leadership qualities during countless getaways and burglaries. I’m also very much a “team player” and while I realise the ultimate decisions will rest with me I think it’s far better to work collectively and to use “communication skills” which will prevent unnecessary conflict in the ‘boardroom’, so to speak. That said I’m not afraid to make difficult and painful (for others) decisions when necessary.

It has always been my dream to wear flowing robes, have a gold telephone, know the real secrets of Fatima and have thousands of people kneel before me while I read from an ancient book. With that in mind I hope you will treat my application with the diligence and consideration it deserves.

Please find enclosed my curriculum vitae which provides a more detailed listing of my background and qualifications. I am confident that I possess all the necessary qualifications for the position and am ready to meet with you at your convenience.

Should you need any more information please do no hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Twenty Major - Dublin.

The truth about Irish blogs

by Twenty Major on April 4th, 2005

Prepare yourselves for a shocking exposé about Irish blogs in the latest edition of Dangermaus which will be published this evening at around 9pm.

It’s the story they don’t want you to know, the shocking truth that will, quite literally, shock you.

THIS MONDAY AND EVERY MONDAY (mostly).DON’T MISS IT.

The little ways that I’ve changed the world

by Twenty Major on April 4th, 2005

I know all of us have made our mark on this crazy old world we live in. Whether that’s through an invention, our job, graffiti, a work of art, literature or music, whatever. But how many of you have done something which causes a huge corporation to change a part of its organisation all over Ireland?

Not many, I suspect. I’ll tell you what happened.

I’m a much healthier eater now than I used to be and for a while I used to visit McDonald’s a bit more than I should. Not enough to turn my liver to paste like that Morgan Spunkcock bloke but I’d go maybe once a week, sometimes twice.

What I ate is not important because that wasn’t the best part of my trip to McDonalds. The best part was when I was finshed and I’d get up to dump my stuff in the bin. What I enjoyed though was not merely tipping my emtpy Big Mac carton and drink container in - it was throwing the tray in as well. Everytime I went I fucked the tray and whatever was on it in the bin. It never, ever ceased to amuse me.

Then one day I was in McDonalds in Rathmines. Early evening, I suppose. I got my food, scoffed down its nutritious goodness, drank my cola, ate my chips, scratched my arse, farted, then got up to put the seal on my visit. I wandered over, tray in hand, opened up the bin, breathed deeply to savour the moment and sent it to the arse end of the rubbish container.

‘Superb!’ I thought. Another classic ‘Twenty puts it to the man’ moment. That was until a hand caught me on the shoulder.

“Yroo caaaan’t pfuut dat in derrrrrr!” said the slightly handicapped young man with a speech impediment I turned around to face.

“What?” says I.

“Yroo caaaan’t pfuut dat in derrrrrr!” he said again.

“Put what?”

“De traaaaaaaaaaaay! Yrooo caaaaaan’t pfut de trrrrrraaaay in derrrrr.”

“Did I put the tray in there?” I asked, shocked as shocked could be. “I do apologise, young man. It’ll never happen again.”

So I left without the situation going on further and looked forward to my next visit. However, that little cunt obviously told on me because now the bins in McDonalds have these kind of guard things on top so you can only throw the rubbish in. The tray won’t fit.

That was the last time I ever got to throw the tray in the bin in McDonalds and I don’t go there at all now, really. So you can see, it was thanks to my dispensing of their trays and the vigilanace of a young worker that McDonalds has been changed forever.

Fuck their new range of salads and healthy foods, nobody cares about that, Jamie cunting Oliver, but guard rails over rubbish bins. These are the kind of changes that matter.

Have you ever changed the world in such terrible fashion?

oiuygphighgouhy

by Twenty Major on April 2nd, 2005

I discovered by using my keyobard like a spacker that when you search for ‘oiuygphighgouhy’ on Google it finds no documents.

Hopefull this will remedy the situation. oiuygphighgouhy, people. oiuygphighgouhy.

Also, I might have drunk too much. heh - as if that’s possible.

April Fools gone wrong

by Twenty Major on April 1st, 2005

So April Fool’s day. What larks we used to have when we were kids. Pulling the chair out from under someone when they were about to sit down in school.

“April Fool!” we’d cry when they shattered their coccyx. We used all the old classics, the flaming bag of poo on the doorstep, the top class practical jokes you could get from the joke shop on South King Street, beside the Gaiety Theatre. Itching powder, fart powder, fake blood, nail through finger, snappy chewing gum. Oh the larfs we had.

You always hear about the great April Fool’s jokes but so many of them go horribly wrong. From my own acquaintances here are the top 5 April Fool’s jokes that didn’t work.

1 - My brother once rang up his friend, who lived across the road, and said ‘hahahaha - your cat is dead. I saw it splattered on the road outside.’ When he ran outside to see his friend come out and not see his dead cat my brother was shocked and then distraught as he found his own cat, quite literally flattened, where he said his friend’s dead cat would be.

2 - When we were young Jimmy the Bollix and I thought it would be hilarious to ring up a kid from school who we didn’t like and scare the shit out of him by telling him we were police and threatening him with prison time if he didn’t confess to the crimes we knew he was guilty of.

Imagine how we felt when we heard he’d hung himself.

3 - Last April Fools Dirty Dave tried to convince Ron the barman that his fly was open.

“Your fly is open, Ron” he’d say.

“Do you think I’m some kind of stupid cunt, Dave?” Ron replied.

“No! Really! It’s open!” exclaimed Dave.

“Fuck off, Dave. I’ll look down and you’ll say ‘APRIL FOOL!”

“No, Ron. Honestly. Your fly is open.”

Ron looks down.

“APRIL FOOL!” shouts Dave.

Ron broke his jaw with a punch. You don’t pull April Fool’s jokes on Ron the barman.

4 - Another friend of ours, Harry the Hammer, pretended all day to be his evil twin and went around doing all kinds of terrible, unforgivable things. His real twin brother, Herbert, was then arrested and jailed for 25 years with witness coming forward hither and thither to testify against him. Harry says he feels guilty. Sometimes.

5 - Jimmy’s brother’s sister’s father-in-law’s uncle knew a bloke who’s cousin had a friend who opened the door to a young traveller boy, who was collecting ‘milk for the babby’, in a Bertie Ahern mask.

“Da!”, says the young traveller boy, “I knew I’d find you again one day!”

Ooops. So there you go, April Fools jokes that have gone terribly wrong. Be careful who you play your pranks on today.

Oh, by the way, your shoelaces are undone…

Finally, I told you some people had no sense of humour.