Stomach bugs
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on April 13th, 2005
So 8,800 people every day get a ’stomach bug’ in Ireland and have to take day off work. That’s according to Safefood, the Food Safety Promotion Board.
Apparently they’ve done all kinds of research into it and have decided that Northern Ireland and real Ireland must collaborate over the outbreaks of gastro-intestinal diseases.
What they fail to have taken into account is that at least 75% of these ’stomach bugs’ are just people chancing their arm and looking for a day off work.
“Sorry boss, I’ve got a stomach bug. Yeah, must have been something I ate. Got a sandwich from Centra. I reckon the mayonaisse was off. Been shitting my arse off all night. I’ll be better tomorrow though.”
It’s amazing how many of these stomach bugs only last 24 hours, if they even last that long. It’s a dangerous business making up illnesses though. I’m not a great believer in God but I reckon there’s someone up there having a laugh.
I remember once, many years ago, trying to get off school by telling my dear old mam that I had a terrible ear-ache. She, being far smarter than me, wasn’t buying it for a second so I was packed off to school. Not three hours later though I had the worst fucking ear-ache of all time and had to be sent home. It lasted days. Stupid lesson-teaching son of a cunt.
And the best one of all time was Conor Murphy bunking off school for three days then telling us proudly in the yard what he told the headmaster. “I told him my granny and grand-dad died in a terrible car crash.” We all gasped at his audacity while he just laughed.
Later that week his entire family was killed on the Naas dual-carriageway when a truck ploughed them off the road. He wasn’t laughing then, I can tell you.
Since then I’ve been very truthful when I’ve needed time off ‘work’.
“I’m not coming in today.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re a cunt and I hate you.”
Honesty is the best policy even if it doesn’t make for long-lasting employment.
maca says:
“Northern Ireland and real Ireland“
Tee hee hee *evil grin*
April 13th, 2005 at 8:59 am
fatmammycat says:
If god damned fucking people would just cover their god damned stinking germ riddled gaping mouths when they’re trying to hack up a rancid lung this stupid country might not be so fucking germ rddled. Last week while I was sitting on a bus to Ranelagh, some old and complete bastard climbed on, sat behind me and proceeded to spray the back of my neck with spittle. Spittle! Then he coughed and spluttered the whole way to Ranelagh, I had to get off three stops early simply to get away from him. And choughing fucking children are just as bad. If your stupid snot nose kids are sick leave the little shits at home. Likewise if you yourself are sick, stay off fucking public transport. God I hate public transport anyway. And since I am feeling hungover today and mean, I hate old men too. Particularly walrus faced old disease carriers.
toodles.
April 13th, 2005 at 12:33 pm
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red molly says:
Another good ailment for getting out of work is telling your boss you have ‘Anal Glaucoma’; you can’t see your arse coming to work today.
April 13th, 2005 at 12:37 pm
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neuro-praxis says:
I didn’t go to work today because I have a bug.
It’s probably just a 24 hour thing though.
April 13th, 2005 at 1:50 pm
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Mosher says:
Stomach bug, hangover… there’s not that much of a difference. Just it usually costs more to get a hangover.
April 13th, 2005 at 6:08 pm
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Bane says:
I prefer to bypass all this nonsense by not having a job at all. It is delightfully liberating.
When a child sneezes at me in public, I like to spit right in their little faces. Tit for tat, wot wot. Love the look of helpless outrage on their cunt parent’s faces.
April 14th, 2005 at 5:03 pm
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