Job application letter
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on April 5th, 2005
Dear The Vatican,
in response to your advertisement in the Irish Independent jobs section on April 4th 2005 I would like to apply for the position of Bishop of Rome, better known as The Pope. I believe that I have the qualifications, experience, spirituality and enthusiam that you are looking for.
Let me begin by saying that although my experience of regular day to day churchery is maybe not quite at the level you might normally consider acceptable for a highly prized gig like this I am quite an accomplished orator as Jimmy the Bollix and any of the lads down at my local will tell you. I have no problems whatsoever with public speaking so if you’re planning to take in Dublin on your world tour a million people in the Phoenix Park would be no sweat. I can tell jokes on just about any subject and if there’s a problem with the backing tapes or the auto-cue goes tits up I can ad-lib for hours on end.
As you can see from my enclosed CV I am currently working as a shepherd. The Bible says ‘The Lord is my shepherd’ and I assume the Pope role would put me in the position of Super-Ultimate-Power-Shepherd whilst a billion Catholics would become my biddable flock. If you’ve ever worked with sheep you’ll know they’re absolute cunts and don’t do a thing you say. Working with people will be an absolute cinch. I would have to give my current employers two weeks notice but I think I could get away with a week if push came to shove.
I know the Catholic Church has had some difficulties in the past and I believe I can bring a new life to the job which would enable us to win back many of the people who have left the Church and bring on board thousands of new converts. Obviously this is something we can discuss during the interview but to give you a brief example I would castrate and put to death all paedophile priests - so nobody could accuse the Church of being soft on kiddy-fiddlers - and at the same time develop a brand of Vatican branded rubber johnnies which we would distribute throughout Africa to help prevent the spread of AIDS.
I realise that mutilation, murder, pre-marital sex and contraception are emotive issues for many people, least of all the Cardinals and Bishops, but weren’t these the very things the Catholic Church was built on? Everyone remembers Torquemada but who remembers the liberal Bishop of Down and Connor? Exactly.
Also a new line of homosexual priests would help bring the ever-increasing gay population back to the Church. The pink pound (or Euro in this day and age) would make a huge difference when it comes to collecting our tithes, and let’s not forget what their choreography, hairdressing and fashion designing skills would bring to those special occasions.
I have a very well-developed sense of right and wrong, important for someone in a position of such authority, and have previously demonstrated my leadership qualities during countless getaways and burglaries. I’m also very much a “team player” and while I realise the ultimate decisions will rest with me I think it’s far better to work collectively and to use “communication skills” which will prevent unnecessary conflict in the ‘boardroom’, so to speak. That said I’m not afraid to make difficult and painful (for others) decisions when necessary.
It has always been my dream to wear flowing robes, have a gold telephone, know the real secrets of Fatima and have thousands of people kneel before me while I read from an ancient book. With that in mind I hope you will treat my application with the diligence and consideration it deserves.
Please find enclosed my curriculum vitae which provides a more detailed listing of my background and qualifications. I am confident that I possess all the necessary qualifications for the position and am ready to meet with you at your convenience.
Should you need any more information please do no hesitate to contact me.
Yours sincerely,
Twenty Major - Dublin.
Bernard says:
Wow! A pope who blogs! I think you’ll do well, seeing how Google thinks you’re quite a religious guy already:
Google for the religious side of Twenty Major.
April 5th, 2005 at 9:44 am
Twenty Major says:
I have tried to keep my deep spirituality hidden on the blog but it’s such an important part of me that from time to time it does come out.
popetwentythefirst.blogspot.com
April 5th, 2005 at 9:47 am
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Scaryduck says:
I’d vote for you.
Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Scaryduck
April 5th, 2005 at 9:59 am
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maca says:
Excellent!! Wonderful blog!
April 5th, 2005 at 10:07 am
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LJ says:
Sorry, but you are not enough qualified: an MBA (Master in Bishop Administration) is required
April 5th, 2005 at 10:15 am
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Monseigneur Mole says:
Habeas novus Papam! Ergo, bibamus!
April 5th, 2005 at 10:29 am
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fatmammycat says:
Although I’m a big fan of sinning,I’d vote for you too. Just don’t make everything okay in the eyes of the church-takes all the fun out of it.Illicit debauchery is the best kind.
toodles,
April 5th, 2005 at 11:17 am
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Johnny5 says:
If you get in, will you have Dan Brown guillotined to death?
If yes, Can I have his head?
If No, can you give me head?
April 5th, 2005 at 11:40 am
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Twenty Major says:
I’ll take the Dan Brown option, Johnny.
Everytime. No offence, like…
April 5th, 2005 at 12:45 pm
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Tommy says:
Twenty for Pope eh,are you sure you can take all that ground licking.Your tongue would be like sandpaper in no time. And,you’ll have to kiss loads a snotty babies.Sure you’d die of rinkasporium.
April 5th, 2005 at 1:15 pm
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Johnny5 says:
None taken.
I’d prefer a headless Dan Brown to a blowjob anyday.
‘cept my birthday.
April 5th, 2005 at 1:39 pm
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festinog says:
Dear Mr Twenty Major,
we would like to thank you for the recent interest shown in the vacant position. We are not sure what the precedence is for a Pope to be named after a common brand of cigarette but I assure you Cannon Lawyers are looking into it. And lets face it, we’ve had a pope named Innocence so it’s a bit late for us to start worrying about misleading the people.
Our only concern is your prolific use of the word “cunt” and the effect this may have on the children.
As you well know, no-one ever thinks of the children.
The vision of a Pope picking up a starving third World child with the words “come here you little cunt” may not quite send out the message we are looking for. This, in addition to your clearly stated opinion of children, leads us to worry why you might pick a child up in the first place. Traditionally this is done by the Pope in order to kiss the child in a token of peace. We fear your motives may not be so pure. You might be trying to take his money for smokes. Or drink. Or both. You might even just be doing it for the fun.
In conclusion Mr Twenty Major, while we thank you for the interest you have shown, you can fuck the fuck off for yourself you little miserable cunt.
Yours In Peace
Cardinal Festinog
April 5th, 2005 at 1:57 pm
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brendan says:
I’d be all for Pope Twenty The First. Any chance you could do something about that Paisley fella?
April 5th, 2005 at 3:07 pm
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neuro-praxis says:
To bernard - actually the pope had been blogging already for a wee while.
http://jpii.blogspot.com
As for you, Twenty, I’ll be wanting to see that CV before I actually decide whether or not to let you have the job.
April 5th, 2005 at 4:47 pm
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Anonymous says:
Twenty shit and fall in it.
April 1st, 2006 at 11:29 am
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