April Fools gone wrong
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on April 1st, 2005
So April Fool’s day. What larks we used to have when we were kids. Pulling the chair out from under someone when they were about to sit down in school.
“April Fool!” we’d cry when they shattered their coccyx. We used all the old classics, the flaming bag of poo on the doorstep, the top class practical jokes you could get from the joke shop on South King Street, beside the Gaiety Theatre. Itching powder, fart powder, fake blood, nail through finger, snappy chewing gum. Oh the larfs we had.
You always hear about the great April Fool’s jokes but so many of them go horribly wrong. From my own acquaintances here are the top 5 April Fool’s jokes that didn’t work.
1 - My brother once rang up his friend, who lived across the road, and said ‘hahahaha - your cat is dead. I saw it splattered on the road outside.’ When he ran outside to see his friend come out and not see his dead cat my brother was shocked and then distraught as he found his own cat, quite literally flattened, where he said his friend’s dead cat would be.
2 - When we were young Jimmy the Bollix and I thought it would be hilarious to ring up a kid from school who we didn’t like and scare the shit out of him by telling him we were police and threatening him with prison time if he didn’t confess to the crimes we knew he was guilty of.
Imagine how we felt when we heard he’d hung himself.
3 - Last April Fools Dirty Dave tried to convince Ron the barman that his fly was open.
“Your fly is open, Ron” he’d say.
“Do you think I’m some kind of stupid cunt, Dave?” Ron replied.
“No! Really! It’s open!” exclaimed Dave.
“Fuck off, Dave. I’ll look down and you’ll say ‘APRIL FOOL!”
“No, Ron. Honestly. Your fly is open.”
Ron looks down.
“APRIL FOOL!” shouts Dave.
Ron broke his jaw with a punch. You don’t pull April Fool’s jokes on Ron the barman.
4 - Another friend of ours, Harry the Hammer, pretended all day to be his evil twin and went around doing all kinds of terrible, unforgivable things. His real twin brother, Herbert, was then arrested and jailed for 25 years with witness coming forward hither and thither to testify against him. Harry says he feels guilty. Sometimes.
5 - Jimmy’s brother’s sister’s father-in-law’s uncle knew a bloke who’s cousin had a friend who opened the door to a young traveller boy, who was collecting ‘milk for the babby’, in a Bertie Ahern mask.
“Da!”, says the young traveller boy, “I knew I’d find you again one day!”
Ooops. So there you go, April Fools jokes that have gone terribly wrong. Be careful who you play your pranks on today.
Oh, by the way, your shoelaces are undone…
Finally, I told you some people had no sense of humour.
RTE Mole says:
Spectacular! I’d doff my hat to you, had I a hat to doff. That you can piss off a US law firm THAT quickly (what was it, three issues of DM?) is a feat of herculean accomplishment. Fuck it, I’ll have to go aout and buy a hat so I can doff it.
The irony of a ‘comedian’ shutting down a humorous website is only outdone this week by that of the adventures of U.S. Right To Lifers going to court in an attempt to force feed a dying bulemic!
Mind you, I’d use the word comdedian in its loosest definition, given that Our Funny Friend’s self confessed career high occured in the back room of Horse Show House in Ballsbridge, when he got to tell a few dirty gags to a well known (allegedly mafia-connected) blue-eyed crooner with a dodgy hair transplant.
yes, indeed, Our Funny Friend is a class act.
Anyway, just move DM and have it hosted in Tuvalu or such.
FYI, if this is an April Fool’s (and I’m suddenly thinking it might be - due to a couple of typos in the solicitor’s letter) then of course you will also be in receipt of a letter from MY representatives at Gunncars, Sprockett, McCarthy. Those keen-eyed legal johnnies never miss an opportunity to sue on my behalf and I’m sure they can come up with something along the lines of stress related credulity stretching… or something.
You’re a clever bastard, twenty. The world needs you. Actually, strike that. The world doesn’t NEED you. But it’d be a damned duller gaff without you. Happy April Fool’s *manly handshake*.
April 1st, 2005 at 11:19 am
Tommy says:
Is he your mother twenty.
I’d forgot it was April 1st last night when I looked at DM,mmmmmmmmmm,either Gracer is a cunt or DM are pulling a good one.I’m thinking it’s just a cunning way of taking the site down for a day,the lenghts some people will go to for a joke,cunts.
April 1st, 2005 at 11:35 am
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fatmammycat says:
Out of ragng curiosity, does anyone else fnd it strange that Jeb Bush is so upset at Terry Schiavo’s death when he and his brother frequently end the life of many a person on death row? Surely if all life is sacred- as they keep proclaiming- then ALL life is sacred. And one other thing, is allowing that poor woman to starve to death the most humane answer? And on that note, all those raging chest beating Christian ‘Jugggling for Jesus’ types, you know the ones that have been keeping sporadical vigil at the cameras, oops I mean at the hospice, if the state had intervened and forced the staff to return the feeding tube, were they going to be around for ever to nurse her, wipe the drool from her mouth, clean her bed sores, help ease her suffering in the future? Were they going to help pay for her medical bills for perhaps another twenty years or more? I doubt it, nothing and I mean nothing irritates me more than this kind of mass hysterical grand standing when there are so many other things that need attention. Right to Life, pah, it should be Right to Dignity. So there.
Toodles.
April 1st, 2005 at 12:42 pm
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Mad Dog says:
Well said, Fatmammycat. The “Right to Dignity” is exactly what it should be.
April 1st, 2005 at 12:46 pm
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Twenty Major says:
Isn’t it funny the way before she died the only pictures we saw of her were as a drooling vegetable, but now that she’s dead they’re breaking out the pictures of her as a vibrant, pretty woman….
April 1st, 2005 at 1:48 pm
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Sir Findo Gask says:
I’m not allowed to have shoe laces.
So fuck ya!
April fools bollox!
SFG
April 1st, 2005 at 1:50 pm
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Anonymous says:
God I miss spooky.
15 Major.
April 1st, 2005 at 2:48 pm
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NOMAXBETAMATES says:
TV3 announcing the death of the Pope during Coronation Street tonight has to be up there - sending the blue rinse brigade across the country into a right tizz.
April 2nd, 2005 at 12:07 am
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Mr. Beamish the Instablepundit says:
Passing through…
This isn’t where I parked my car.
April 2nd, 2005 at 7:19 am
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Bane says:
Right on, Twenty, and well played. And for the record, yes, I would have brought Terri into my own home and seen that she lived out whatever span she was alloted in comfort.
That bullshit about comparing her to convicted murderous baby-rapers just chaps my ass. If more assholes were killed, there’d be less assholes. Simple math.
April 3rd, 2005 at 12:43 am
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fatmammycat says:
I didn’t compare her to anything you guntoting red necked, truck driving arse wipe! God Bane, you are such a card carrying bung hole. Love ya!
toodles.
April 3rd, 2005 at 11:01 am
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porkchops says:
hey lowlife your blog sucks and your a fucking asshole.
March 19th, 2006 at 11:53 pm
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