Shhhh
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on March 18th, 2005
What you need to do is talk quietly and not make too much noise this morning because my head hurts. Ron the barman hates Paddy’s day because, as he says, ‘All the cunts in the world are out making even bigger cunts of themselves than they already are.’
So around 8pm last night he decided he’d had enough and fucked everybody, except his very best customers, out of the pub. Some people were most unhappy, one foolish fool, who had been drinking all day, told Ron that he was going to get him for chucking him out the pub early. The only thing he actually got was a nosebleed as he landed on his face outside the front door. The twat.
So we had a lock-in. Stinkin’ Pete went round the chipper and brought a vast assortment of chips, battered sausages, cod and spice burgers back with him and we all carried on sinking pints for another couple of hours before going home at a reasonable hour. Of course other bars were still open serving the, by now, slack-jawed shitehawks the last of their Paddy’s day booze before they went out on the streets to fight each other and cause problems for emergency services and emergency room doctors.
I, naturally, woke up far too early with a blinding headache but staring at a computer screen makes me feel better. Oh yes. How was your Paddy’s day then? Did you fight anyone? Bite somebody’s ear off? Hit someone with a plank of wood? Have rough anal sex with a man you shouldn’t have? What a joyous day it really is.
That aside I have decided the new comments thing I installed is gayer than a room full of Graham Nortons and I have reverted back to the default blogger system.
Now, I think I need a good fry.
fatmammycat says:
Oh good god, is it that time alreaady? MY, how the head hurts and the eyes are too squinty for words.The pain, the absolute sheer horribleness of daylight. But it was one hell of a party….
Top of the morning to you Twenty!
toodles.
March 18th, 2005 at 11:25 am
ciaran.. says:
Shit paddys day. Really shit.
I ended up in the Palace bar (fleet street, not that other big gay one).
Most drunk and extremely irritable as the bar man was solely playing U2 and Paddy Casey. Shithead.
Anyways, got talking to this fucking yank. “Hiya, I’m Sean. My family left Ireland just before the famine” he said.
“George Bush is a cunt. Get the fuck out of Iraq and out of my face you yanky-doodle arse piece” said I.
One of those heated Iraq debates ensued.
I have lots in the locker with regards an Iraq debate. All that neo-con shite and such.
However, due to my being drunk as 14 year old with a dolly mixture, all I could come up with was “you’re a cunt” and “viva saddam” and so on.
My closing statement, as we were being dragged apart, was pretty much the same as my first - “Bush’s a cunt and you’re a cunt and I hope all your soldiers are blown up”.
Then the night got shit.
Went to another bar, and on the way I saw all the kids vommiting and coming up on their e’s.
I don’t mind all that really. I was them once.
But the thought of the article that’s no doubt sitting on RTE’s website right now, that quotes some gobshite politician who wants to bring his kids into town for festivities on paddy days night, but can’t because they’d be raped and sold to pimps, was wrecking my head at the time and still is.
Tenner says they cut another half hour off the pub opening times.
Cunts.
I’m never invited to lock ins. bastard.
And another thing, it’s shit trying to mantain a boner when you’re locked.
And whores like you, fatmammy, have no sympathy.
Sorry, this comment has been one big mistake. But I’m posting it anyways.
March 18th, 2005 at 3:51 pm
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Twenty Major says:
Let it all out, Ciaran. That’s it.
March 18th, 2005 at 4:38 pm
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ciaran.. says:
Sorry. That was the last remnants of drunkeness speaking.
This is the voice of my hangover now.
Sorry, fatmammy. I’d ride you for your wit alone.
Christ. Am I flirting?
Bollox to this
March 18th, 2005 at 4:49 pm
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fatmammycat says:
Dear oh dear, honest to god Ciaran, I don’t know whether to laugh softly or laugh hard. You’re wrong you know, not the whore part, but you have my deepest sympathies on the soft cock thing. Perhaps a ring as shown on dubtoms photo page might help the…er… scaffolding, as it were. Just don’t forget to take it of after.
toodles.
March 19th, 2005 at 10:57 am
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Bane says:
Ah, ciaran, if only I had been that American. You can’t have a headache without a head. If all of you had the soft cock, we’d be shed of Irishmen, and the better for it. Except for 20major. Him, we’ll keep in a zoo, with internet access, for our amusement.
Damned Irish. Always after me Lucky Charms.
Aye, and fuck U2 as well. I hate that Bono cunt more than I hate Kerry and Kennedy, two more pustulant wretches who washed up on our pristine shores.
March 20th, 2005 at 1:28 am
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Mosher says:
I’m just pissed off cos our Irish office was closed while they buggered off and got wasted. I, however, had to wait till the weekend before having a decent skinful (also successfully pulling someone and suffering scaffold problems as well - EVIL BEER. Made up for it in the morning though)
The worst bit, however, is having to put up with half the office coming back from a long lunch with badges saying how great Guinness is. Is St Paddy’s Day sponsored by the Guinness Brewery? Would it have been cancelled by now were it not for their millions?
Hasn’t anyone figured out that Guinness is shit? And Murphy’s is road tar?
March 20th, 2005 at 5:55 pm
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Twenty Major says:
Dear Mosher,
please do not refer to Guinness as ’shit’ or I will come round your house with Jimmy the Bollix and show you what a pint of shit really tastes like.
yours etc
Twenty.
Bane - would there be Guinness as well as internet access?
March 20th, 2005 at 6:07 pm
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Bane says:
Aye, but you’ll be absolutely the last person on the planet drinking that enema juice.
March 20th, 2005 at 6:48 pm
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Twenty Major says:
I find it strange that a man whose country has given us gnats piss beers like Budweiser and Michelob is in any position to criticise the glory of Guinness.
Of course I understand that you might not appreciate the Guinness you get over there because we send all the gone off stuff and the vats which travellers and their horses fell into while siphoning a small barrel for themselves to America. And England.
March 20th, 2005 at 6:52 pm
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Bane says:
I’m with you on Budweiser. Pure rat piss. Filtered through the kidney’s of a dead baby. I like the dark Michelob they have. And I’ve no doubt you tossers foul whatever you ship over, so I deign to drink imports. Only fruits and schoolboys drink imports here, anyway. I mostly drink fine California red wine. Good for your heart, and more alcohol. Oh, and tequila, the only thing the damn Mexicans do right.
March 20th, 2005 at 10:12 pm
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Mosher says:
Twenty, me old mucker - I’ve put up a blog post just for you! Aren’t you lucky…
March 21st, 2005 at 11:41 pm
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Anonymous says:
You Irish are so lucky, that accent here in the states will get you more ass than a toilet seat. So all you losers writing blogs all day, come to the US and get some college girl ass.
Here in the States, everyone kisses Irish ass. Seriously, everyone loves the Irish. If I were you I would visit the states. Lucky bastards!
January 18th, 2006 at 10:56 pm
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