Why Jimmy the Bollix hates Howard Jones

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on March 8th, 2005

I was in the pub last night with Stinkin’ Pete and Jimmy the Bollix when over came Lightweight Larry.

We call him that because he was a former lightweight boxer. He also can’t drink more than three pints without getting absolutely scuttered. Which is bad because when he’s drunk he likes to sing the songs of spiky-haired 80s synth wizard Howard Jones.

Now, I’m a man of eclectic tastes and have no real problem with Howard Jones but Jimmy the Bollix hides a terrible secret which I am now going to reveal to you. In the video for Howard’s breakthrough hit, New Song, there was a wibbly-wobbly dancer in a weird costume (chains and stuff) dancing alongside Jones’ synth rack. Back then Jimmy the Bollix was struggling over in London. He’d been working with a criminal gang which operated around the Seven Sisters Road area but he’d become disillusioned with them after one raid on a petrol station in which his gang mates announced their names like Ninja Turtles:

“I am Achmed Wallbongala” - shouted one.
“I am Davey Murphy” exclaimed another.
“I am Sven Svenson” said the third man.

“I am leaving” said Jimmy the Bollix. “You are the most stupid cunts I have ever met.”

So he left and while his former gang chums were easily caught by police he had to lie low. One day, while in an alley counting the money in a handbag he’d stolen, he heard someone crying. He looked and saw a strange haired young man sitting at the back door of a recording studio.

“What are you crying for?” asked Jimmy.

“Oh, it’s terrible” said the young Howard Jones. “I’m recording my album but I’m worried about my girlfriend.”

“What’s the problem with her?” asked Jimmy.

“Well, I’m not sure our relationship is on an even footing. I love her whether or not she loves me. I love her even if she thinks that I don’t. Sometimes I think she doubts my love for her…”

“I wouldn’t mind that,” said Jimmy. “What is love, anyway? Does anybody love anybody anyway?”

And with that a hit song was made. The two got to talking and when Howard Jones found out his new friend was down on his luck he gave him the dancing job for his single. Jimmy was well paid and soon became a fixture in the London clubs hanging out with top starts like Kajagoogoo, Gary Numan and Men at Work.

The problem was at this exact time Vincent Hanley caught the hearts of a nation with his hit TV show, MTUSA, which showed music videos. ‘New song’ was a regular on the show and we, Jimmy the Bollix’s closet friends, immediately recognised his distinctive dance moves which we’d first seen around Dublin’s top discos.

When he came back to Ireland a few years later he got an unmerciful slagging leaving him extremely sensitive to any mention of Howard Jones or any 80s synth pop for that matter. So when Lightweight Larry came over and started singing ‘No-one is to blame’ things got a bit ugly. And by things I mean Lightweight Larry. He was no looker before but fuck me you should see the cunt now.

Poor Jimmy though, his Howardaphobia once cost him a torrid affair with top actress Kim Bassinger who was visiting Ireland on holiday. She saw him in McDaids one afternoon and was captivated by his swarthy good looks and air of menace. Plucking up the courage she went over to him and said “I’d like to get to know you well.”

Luckily there are many good plastic surgeons in Hollywood and nobody could tell the difference after a few months.

So if you see Jimmy the Bollix in the bar never put Howard Jones on the jukebox for he will break your arms. He quite likes Nik Kershaw though.