Pooing round the world with Twenty Major

by Twenty Major on March 31st, 2005

So I’ve noticed on other blogs how people link to their cool and groovy photos which show parts of their life that are interesting and other parts which are wearisome, boring and not fit for public consumption.

So like any good blogger I’ve jumped on the bandwagon. Now, I’m sure all of us have been handed a packet of 236 pictures of Mary and Toby’s FAB weekend in Dingle, or had to sit through a slide show of cousin Mickey’s trip around the world or ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over wedding pictures where the groom looks like a fucking cunt in a rented suit and the bride, despite all her dieting and make-up, still looks like Kelly Osbourne on crack.

Well, fear not. For my pictures are not the usual kind. It’s a world tour, yes, but with a difference. This tour features pictures of me defecating in all the great locations worldwide includng Mount Kilimanjaro, 10 Downing Street, the Cliffs of Moher, Stonehenge, the Falls Road in Belfast and many more, with comments about each place too!

Just click here to see ‘Pooing around the world with Twenty Major. For the squeamish among you I should point out that there are no stool shots, merely me in the same hunched, squatting, going for a poo outside pose.

Dangermaus fans - rejoice for the new issue has been published featuring stories about Brendan Grace, dismay in Dublin’s newsrooms and they keep the Pope alive Schiavo style (although there’d be uproar if they kept wheeling her out to sit in the open window) and more. Go now.

Irish-Palestine Solidarity campaign are bigger cunts than we first thought…

by Twenty Major on March 30th, 2005

You might remember a few days ago I wrote about the utter cunts that are the Irish-Palestine Solidarity campaign and how they made complete fuckwits of themselves by using something they knew nothing about to make a protest.

Basically they were using the Israeli number 10 shirt as part of their misguided quest when, as we all know now, the player who wears that shirt is a Palestine Arab.

Now, nobody can accuse them of not learning from their mistakes as they’ve simply Photoshopped out the 0 on the shirt but they’ve obviously got someone with Parkinson’s disease to do it because you can still see parts of the erased number. Picture here.

Message to Jim Bowen, the spokesman, and the rest of his Irish-Palestine Solidarity Campaign cunts: You’re still cunts and this latest piece of cuntery makes you bigger cunts than you were to begin with. You cunts.

I don’t know if you saw the story about the Philipino woman who was working for Irish Ferries for €1 a week or something like that. Apparently she’s been given a €25,000 pay off and sent back home. That makes her the wealthiest woman in the Philippines now and it reminds me of when Jimmy the Bollix decided he needed some home help. He interviewed lots of candidates from all over the world. There was a Ukranian woman but she didn’t get hired because of her whiny voice. There was a Romanian woman but there was no way Jimmy was going to let a thief into his house. As he always said “If these snanky bitches are so fucking poor why don’t they just sell one of their fucking solid gold teeth, the cunts?’.

You should ask Jimmy to tell you about the way they drug their children so when they go around begging we’re supposed to think they’re asleep but in reality they’re unconscious and off their tiny little faces.

Anyway, in the end Jimmy found a website where you could bring over your own Phillipino woman for just $100US and all you had to pay her was $50 a month. He ordered and a couple of weeks later a crate arrived at his house. When he opened it up he found ‘Asunción’ who cleaned his house, washed his clothes, prepared the dinner, did the shopping, mowed the lawn, darned his socks, cleaned out the gutters and did all those things a wife would do but for a fraction of the cost and she lived out in the Barna shed at the back of the house. Sadly, one night Jimmy left the side-gate open and she went exploring, got lost and nobody has ever heard from her since, but Jimmy was proud of the fact that he rescued her from poverty and gave her a chance to live in the real world.

Jimmy also advocates the re-introduction of slavery and has been on many trips to the Ivory Coast and Burkina Faso looking for Gladiators, home help and construction workers.

For those of you awaiting the lastest edition of Dangermaus fear not. It should appear soon. As soon as a legal challenge to one of the stories is sorted out. I can’t say any more than that, nor when the edition is published can I say if the offending story has being published or not. Suffice to say some people on this fair isle have no sense of humour.

Bring back corporal punishment in schools

by Twenty Major on March 29th, 2005

There’s been lots of talk about this Rate my teacher site with students loving it and teachers hating it.

Teachers hate everything though and who can blame them? I think you have to have a special vocation, or be a total masochist, to ever want to become a teacher. What in the name of God would make anyone want to spend most of their working day in a small room full of stinky children?

It’s even worse now. Back in the day there was a certain respect for teachers as they were your elders. You didn’t really dare do anything too bad but nowadays kids are cheeky, disrespectful little cunts and long gone is the day when you could get a good battering if you behaved badly.

In my school if you did something wrong you had to stand at the front of the class, put your hands out and you’d get a leather strap right across them. It hurt a lot. Sometimes you’d pull your hands away at the last second and the priest would strap himself in the thigh or, if you got really lucky, in his oversized gonads. If it wasn’t a strap it was a bamboo cane. It really did make you think twice about making that smart comment or throwing that brick across the room at that kid you hated. We had teachers who would pull you up by your sideburns or thump you in the arm if you got something wrong or forgot your homework.

But now where’s the deterrent to bad behaviour. If a kid does something wrong how are they being taught not to do it again? A good tongue-lashing (and let me tell you tongue-lashings were different in my day too, especially in a school full of priests)? 100 lines - I MUST STOP BEING A LITTLE CUNT? If they get a letter sent home and they get grounded then they just stay in their room with their DVD players, iPods, PCs and Playstations and such.

The only answer is to bring back coporal punishment. Kids today have to realise that if you do something wrong you’ve got to suffer the consequences. Shouting at them means nothing. It’s in one ear and out the other ear. But what if you stuck a knitting needle in one ear and out the other ear? I think the child in question would think twice about his or her bad beahviour in the future.

Straps and canes need to make a comeback and I’d encourage the use of nipple clamps for unruly rascals who constantly disrupt class. In boys schools if a kid is talking or messing in class then he should be made come up to the front of the class and then kicked, as hard as the teacher can, in the bollocks. If he vomits he’s got to eat it up.

Playing with mobile phones in class should be punishable to inserting the mobile phone up the student’s hole. Singing in class = three hours detention listening to that ‘Can’t take my eyes off of you’ song by Damien Rice over and over and over again. Passing notes to classmates, are you? Well, then the teacher takes the note and reads it out loud to the whole class but makes up something completely different. “Johnny’s note to Davey says ‘You’re hot. I want your cock in me now.”

“Forgot to do your homework, little Jimmy? Oh sorry, I forgot to not punch you in the face, you little cunt.”

Teachers complain about stress and burn-out and ulcers and all sorts and I don’t blame them. All the while the government and parents expect these people to educate our children but will not allow them to teach them anything about discipline. If they learn to associate bad behaviour with physical and mental pain then maybe they won’t grow up to be the horrible little cunts that we’re plagued with now.

Essentially we’ve got to write off everyone who left school after about 1983 and focus on the new generation. This is our last chance. I’m writing to my TD now.

I suggest you do the same.

Bank holiday Twenty

by Twenty Major on March 28th, 2005

Last night in the pub we were talking about that young Kunle chap being allowed back into Ireland. Opinions were divided, one person thought he should be allowed back to do his leaving then fucked out again, Jimmy thought he shouldn’t have been allowed back at all, Ron the barman thought we should make him dance naked up and down O’Connell Street to see if he really wanted to come back and Dirty Dave (who thankfully had had a shower in recent days) put his spoke in.

“I think we should only let him back in on a swap basis. That’s to say that Kunle comes back to Ireland but we get to choose some cunt to go live in Nigeria. We could start with criminals, then registered sex-offenders, travellers, politicians, Damien Rice fans, people from Bray and so on. Eventually we get rid of the dregs of our society and we get people who can improve Irish life so much. Think of how much our basketball teams will improve and when’s the last time Ireland had a top ’soul’ group in the charts? These people can sing, you know.”

For an absolute twat it was a nice piece of thinking, I have to say. I’ve already got a line on importing cases of ’soul glow’ hair spray. Oh yes.

This made me laugh (via Tim Worstall).

Finally, as you might have noticed I’ve had the painters in so the site looks more authentically ‘Major’. That dried up snot green that we all love so well. Till tomorrow.

The Shelbourne Hotel

by Twenty Major on March 26th, 2005

Probably Dublin’s most famous hotel, The Shelbourne, on St Stephen’s Green is to close for 18 months for refurbishment. No doubt they’re flying in the best of stuff from Ikea and MFI in the UK.

It was never really my kind of place for drinking. Too expensive by half. I never understood the cunts in there drinking a pot of tea for €7 when you could go round to O’Donoghues and get it for €1.50 but then there’s a lot less sawdust and piss on the floors of the Horseshoe bar in the Shelbourne.

Jimmy the Bollix, being a rather big fan of Robert Ludlum, used to the call it ‘The Jason’ after Ludlum’s most favourite character, recently brought to life on the big screen by Matt ‘Strength of ten men’ Damon.

Anyway, the best story I have from that place is the night Jimmy and I were coming back from a football match at Lansdowne Road. Can’t remember who we were playing but it was around 6pm on a Saturday evening. For a laugh we decided to stop into the Jason for a pint and see who was toffing around inside trying to look more important than they really were.

Eamonn Dunphy was there and we had a bit of a laugh with him taking great delight in calling Jack Charlton a ‘big, thick, ugly cunt’. Eddie Jordan was there as well and a couple of no-mark politicians but when Jimmy saw celebrity gossip columnist Terry Keane I could see his eyes sparkle. Terry Keane was at that stage only rumoured to be the mistress of Charles Haughey - Ireland’s most famous politician, prime minister, gun runner and all round crook.

I could see Jimmy start to shuffle on his heels and I knew he was going to do something. Casually he went over to her and whispered something in her ear. Bedlam followed. She jumped up, threw her drink on him, called the bar manager and we were asked to leave. No big problem because we were going to Ron the barman’s anyway.

On the way out I asked him ‘What the fuck did you say to her, you mad cunt?’

Says he “I asked her ‘If, as we all know, you talk out of your arse, how do you whisper sweet nothings to Charlie when he’s got his cock up it?’”

“heh”, I said. “I love you, Jimmy” and we went off and got pissed.

Kunle the Nigerian student

by Twenty Major on March 25th, 2005

So it seems Michael McDowell has a heart. He’s letting Nigerian student, Olukunle Eluhanla, back to Ireland to finish his leaving certificate exams after deporting him just days ago.

Or is it just a big PR stunt. Let’s face it, McDowell couldn’t give a rat’s arse about Kunle or any of the others he deported. And why should he? The rules are the rules and for every happy little Nigerian like Kunle there are 20 more involved in scams, bank machine cloning, credit card cloning, sending emails pretending to be a high Priest with €34,095,450 hidden away in a secret bank account and playing football for West Brom.

Still, I saw the news last night and they interviewed Kunle on the phone who expressed his delight at being allowed back - on a 6 month temporary visa at which point he’ll be deported again but this time he’ll have his leaving certificate which will no doubt open many doors on the mean streets of Lagos. Anyway, listening to him and then listening to some of his classmates talk outside their school in Palmerstown it struck me that letting him back might not be the worst thing in the world. He might teach a couple of them how to talk English.

There was one big fat girl interviewed whose grasp of the English language was as good as her grasp of not being a gluttonous pig. “Yeah, loike, we’s all dead happy, loike, dat he can, y’know, come back an’ all, coz, loike it wudda after been brutal if he’d a stayed in Nigeria an’ all. Y’know?’

There are fucking Chinese immigrants who’ve only been in the country three hours, who have never spoken or listened to English, who could speak better than this lot.

I think McDowell let your man back just so he would’t have to hear these cretins savage the English language in public anymore. Anyway, the main point is wouldn’t it be a laugh if Kunle failed every single exam?

Away from immigration today is Good Friday. For those of you outside Ireland outside the Catholic faith you might wonder what’s good about it because 1 - You cannot get a drink in Ireland today because all bars and off-licences are shut by law, and 2 - being nailed to a cross and speared in the bollix like Jesus was isn’t what anyone would consider ‘good’.

There were some queues in the off-licence last night. I went down with Jimmy the Bollix and we bought 72 beers, two bottles of Jamesons, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of gin, a bottle of rum, loads of mixers and some ice. Me and Jimmy and Stinkin’ Pete are going to have a card night. Some games of poker and some drinks. Hope we don’t run out of booze and go on a rampage round to Ron the Barman’s house to get him to open up the pub. Like we did last year. He made his money though.

Have a good Friday wherever you are. Unless you’re a Goth in which case you can go fuck yourself, you cunt.

The lotto

by Twenty Major on March 24th, 2005

Apparently the £2.5m jackpot was won by a ticket bought in Dublin last night. Sadly it wasn’t my ticket. I do play the Lotto every week but they keep picking the wrong fucking numbers.

Stinkin’ Pete got 5 numbers plus the bonus number aout 18 months back. He won about €14,000 which he spent on a holiday in Marbella. He rented a swish apartment, flew down first class (having a curtain block you from people sitting in exactly the same kind of seat as you makes all the difference, you know) and proceeded to spend all the money getting locked every night.

He came back six weeks later with hardly a shilling left but with a fantastic tan and some wonderful stories about girls, ex-pat Brits, vomiting in places he shouldn’t have and waking up naked on the beach (which is amusing if you just take it for what it is and don’t actually imagine Pete naked on the beach - a site that could burn the corneas out of your head).

Sadly Mrs Stinkin’ Pete wasn’t too impressed at a) him going missing for so long and b) the revelation that he’d blown €14,000 going on a bender when they needed new windows in the house. She went off to live with her sister in Skerries and nobody’s seen her since. Certainly not Pete.

Anyway, I hope the person in Dublin who’s won this jackpot is young enough and sensible to enjoy it and not one of those old cunts from down the country who always seem to win it.

‘87 year old Tadgh O’Riordan says he won’t let the 5 week, €8m rollover jackpot change his life and will continue to get up at 5.30am to milk his cows every morning.’

Fuck off, Tadgh and give the money to someone who’ll use it properly. I hate those cunts. Even if you’re 87 you can buy top of the range colostomy bags or zimmer frames. Look at that old cunt who was married to Anna Nicole Smith. He looked like a prune but he was still getting some from a Playboy model. Millions of euros will attract beautiful women who might screw you to death and I’d say at 87 there are worse ways to go.

‘It won’t change my life’ - get the fuck then and give it to someone who’ll appreciate. Would €100,000 change your life? Sure. So 20 times that is bound to have some impact. Unless, of course, you’re a cunt, which these people are.

Right, I’m off to do my numbers for Saturday’s draw and if I don’t win I’m going to get drunk. Either way it’s a winner.

School shooting in America

by Twenty Major on March 23rd, 2005

I spoke a little while ago about the need to rid the world of certain kinds of people. One of those kinds of people were ‘Goths’, miserable, Marilyn Manson looking cunts who every now and then go a little bit mad and shoot up their schools like the kid in Minnesota this week.

He was a ‘Goth’ apparently. This is final proof, if any were needed, that there’s a genetic flaw with all Goths and for the greater good of the world we’ve only got two choices:

1 - Find an island somewhere, or reclaim some land from the sea, and create a new country called ‘Gothland’. All the Goths in the world will be sent to live here. Any stragglers who try and hang on in the real world will be flame-throwered in the face. They can have their Goth schools, Goth radio stations, Goth supermarkets, Goth gun shops and so on. When, inevitably, one of them flips all they’ll do is kill other Goths so real people can not care and be safe at the same time. If that, for whatever reason, isn’t a runner, then we have to move on to point 2:

2 - Kill them all now. Round them up, dig a big fucking hole, dump them in it, watch them die (perhaps a reality TV show on Sky - WHEN GOTHS GET PUT IN A BIG FUCKING HOLE AND RESORT TO CANNIBALISM BUT EVENTUALLY THEY ALL DIE) and that’s that.

I predict that if we go with one of those plans school massacres will drop by a 99.65%. There’s still the small risk that a healthy child could be partly Goth, perhaps one of their parents were Goths in their youth and have infected their son or daughter, but unless we carry out invasive and painful DNA testing on every single kid that’s a risk we’re just going to have to live with. Reducing the amount of school massacres also has a direct effect on the amount of films that fat, crumbs down his jumper cunt Michael Moore makes. Less killling = less spouting off from a man who should never go swimming off the coast of Japan lest they mistake him, quite easily, for a fucking whale.

Of course other people will put lay blame for these school shootings at the fact that it’s easy to get guns in America. I don’t subscribe to that point of view. Guns don’t make Goth kids go on shooting rampages, guns just make it easier for Goth kids to kill people. I’m sure you all remember the Belvedere College massacre over when an angry young student went on the rampage with a plank of wood with a nail in it. 8 people were treated for puncture wounds. It was a dark day in Irish schools.

But really, if a kid wants to go to school and kill a few students, the janitor and a teacher or two, he could go with a carving knife, an axe of some kind, a homemade garotte, a baseball bat (see Al Capone in the Untouchables for proof of its effectiveness), a bomb made from the fertiliser found on any farm, a spade, a large scalpel, a scythe, attack dogs, specially trained panthers, the list is endless. Of course it would take a bit more time but then Rome wasn’t built in a day.

And that’s the main reason kids use guns - they have no attention span these days. BLAM BLAM BLAM - DEAD DEAD DEAD. There’s no craft in senseless killing any more.

What is the world coming to?

McCartney sisters death threats

by Twenty Major on March 22nd, 2005

So the McCartney sisters have received some death threats after their heroic campaign to bring the IRA killers of their brother to justice. Opening their mail to read letter after letter giving them support and praising them for their courage they were shocked when they opened one particular envelope and found a terrible message inside. Don’t ask me how I know this, for I will not divulge my sources (Stinkin’ Pete), but this is the petrifying missive they were subjected to (imagine the letters are cut out of newspapers such as this week’s Sunday Tribune and Sunday World):

dEaR McCarTney SistErs, maKE iT stOp or yoU’rE deAd. iF thAt cUnt of a DAd of YoUrs relEaseS anY moRe RecOrds liKe MuLL of kInTyrE or thAt cUntiNg FroG SoNg wE’ll KiLL yOu to DeaTh.

YoUrs etc

StiNkin’…er…BoB

My unnamed source always did have a way with words.

Brand new Dangermaus out now featuring stories about Dundalk space travel, Brian McFadden and Chapelizod’s failed bid for the 2012 Olympics. Tell your friends. If you have any. I told Jimmy the Bollix about it and he said to me “Twenty, we’ve been friends a long time and it hurts me to say this to you, but you’re getting too into this auld computery shite.”

I reckon he’s just jealous as the only thing he can do with his computer is download the latest blockbuster films, top up his bank account by siphoning funds from people’s Paypal accounts and get free flights anywhere in the world. What a cunt.

The Ireland-Palestine Solidarity Campaign are cunts

by Twenty Major on March 21st, 2005

I read with delight yesterday about some group of fucking hippy, do-gooder cunts who have objected to Ireland’s football team playing a match against Israel next week.

Now, we all know there’s a little bit of tension between the Israelis and the Palestinians - something akin to the problems that exist between the northside and southside of Dublin but obviously not quite so intense. So anyway, these witless twerps launch a campaign with a picture of an Israeli number 10 shirt with the words ‘Say no to apartheid’ on it as a stinging rebuke of Israel’s policies.

What Jim Bowen (not the presenter of TV’s favourite darts show Bullseye but of University College Cork), spokesman of the Ireland-Palestine Solidarity Campaign didn’t realise is that the number 10 shirt is worn by a bloke called Walid Badir who is a Palestine Arab and one of the most popular players in Israel.

He also didn’t realise that 30% of the players in the Israeli league are Palestinian Arabs, that an Arab team are the current champions and that football is one of the only things that Israelis and Palestinians do together which doesn’t include plastic explosives, buses and cafés.

Displaying heretofore unprecedented levels of asinine cuntery he said “To be frank I don’t follow soccer. I am not interested in individual details.”

So he’s making a protest about something he obviously knows something about using a medium he knows nothing about. Now that’s some good thinking right there. Bowen, who obviously is studying for a degree in ‘How to be a stupid bastard’, went onto say the inclusion of Arab players on the Israeli team was “window dressing” and described Badir as a “token Arab”.

So after admitting he knows nothing about football he somehow thinks he’s in a position to comment on the make up of the Israeli national team? Arsewipe.

People like the Ireland-Palestine Solidarity Campaign do my fucking head in. I bet they’re a bunch of crusty cocksuckers with fuck all else to do. If you’re that fucking worried, Jim Bowen, get fucking over there and do something about it in person instead of sitting in the computer room in UCC releasing badly Photoshopped pictures of football shirts.

I can never bring myself to trust a man who doesn’t like football. What the fuck did they do when they were kids then? Played with dolls or wrote poems or some other less than male stuff, that’s what. Men who don’t like football are not real men. Men who don’t like football and launch campaigns against shit that really has nothing to do with them are fucking stupid arsehole cunts.

It’s like those fucking twats who crawl out of a hole in the ground whenever somebody wants to build a new road. These so called eco-warriors pipe up “Oh no! You can’t build a road through there. This is the breeding ground of the Triple-shelled arse-snail.”

Did anybody give a fish’s tit about the Triple-shelled arse-snail before? No. Does anybody care now? No. So what’s the fucking problem? If these cunts continually get in the way of schemes like this then they should be bludgeoned to death and then we tarmac over them. Problem solved. People can go back to not giving a shite about the Triple-shelled arse-snail and we can get to where we want to go quicker because of the fantastic new road.

What about those urban crusties who hate globalisation and all that stuff? All those idealistic, shoot their mouth off wankers who complain about sweatshops and homogeny and they all stand around in their Nike trainers, Calvin Klein boxers and stop off for a Burger King or McDonald’s after a hard day of bongo playing, picking the lice out of their mini-dreadlocks and smoking spliffs. Gobshites.

The shitebag do-gooder was never more prevalent than after the Tsunami©®. Yes, it was terrible, but the odious cretins out collecting made you wish it had fucking had the legs to cross Europe and drown a few of them as well. “But Ireland is a nation that likes to help people because we have a connection with every bad thing that ever happens in the world because of our own famine” they bleat.

Yes, what a caring nation we are. We welcome foreigners who want to live here with open arms and help them integrate into society (well, the girls from Ballymun do anyway when you look at the amount of mulatto babies). Do we bollocks. I saw Ardal O’Hanlon (a not terribly funny Irish comedian famous for his role in sitcom Father Ted) talking on a chatshow once about how Ireland, proportionately, gave more to Live Aid in 1985 than any other country. His shining comedy moment came when he told the chat show host “We didn’t expect them to come over and thank us personally though.”

Anyway, I’m straying away from the point here, which is that the Ireland-Palestine Solidarity Campaign is typical of all these various types of do-gooder cunt that infect the world today. Ill-informed, oblivious to making fools out of themselves in public and would be far more useful if they were beheaded, ground down into some kind of food and sent to Africa to feed famine victims.

So there.