Asylum

by Twenty Major on February 15th, 2005

I read this morning that almost 6,000 illegal immigrants avoided attempts to deport them after their applications for asylum were turned down. The law says that these people have to be notified in advance that they’re being chucked out so they just move, most of them fecking off to England which is fine as the English love illegal immigrants.

What I propose we do here though is make some subtle changes to the system. Don’t restrict the influx of illegal immigrants at all. Why’s that, you ask? Well, here’s what you do. With the swarm of giant shopping centres based around the M50 motorway let’s raze The Square in Tallaght and in its place we’ll build an 18th century style asylum. A monstrous grey building with iron bars, damp corners and stone bath houses.

When illegal immigrants apply for asylum simply say ‘Yes, that’s no problem. Sign here please’ and when they mark an X or leave their paw-print on the piece of paper we just put them in the asylum they applied to join. In there they can live for the rest of their lives in austere conditions, having wonderful therapies like electric shock treatment and frontal lobotomies, bathing in cold water and eating easy-to-prepare and cheap gruel.

I guarantee you that after a while applications for asylum in Ireland will slump, the cost of running the place for the lifespan of the existing inmates will be more than offset by the savings made from years of not having to pay social welfare to thousands of new immigrants every year and we could even get the most mentally damaged residents to play each other in violent sports like ice hockey and gaelic football.

It’s a winning idea you have to agree and it solves the ongoing problem of illegal immigrants, asylum seekers and what to do with doctors who’ve been struck off for being crap.

That fucking Kentucky Fried Chicken ad

by Twenty Major on February 14th, 2005

I’m sure you’ve seen it. Where the guy sings to ask for a bite of her burger (why he can’t just fucking go get one if they’re only €1.69 is beyond me, he must be from Cavan) then the girl with a mouth larger than a whale’s vagina sings like a banshee with a three octave range just to say ‘no’.

I wish yer man would loaf her at the end. Then steal her burger. Then kick her up and down the shop. And before I get castigated for promoting violence towards women I would say the exact same if it was the other way around. I’d be quite happy for the girl to batter him to death. I’m all for equal opportunities mindless violence.

Anyway, enough of that. I have some questions that I’d love to know the answers to so please comment if you can help me out.

1 - Is Damien Rice a cruel joke from the makers of David Gray?

“Can’t take my eyes off of you”, he warbles. How about if I gouge them out with a wooden spoon? Reckon you could manage it then you poxy bastard?

2 - How did it come to pass that Simple Minds were one of the biggest bands in the world for a time in the 80s?

3 - What exactly is the point of Samantha Mumba?

4 - How many candles do you think you’d be able to make if you melted down Mary Harney’s blubber?

5 - Does anyone else read about Shiite muslims but pronounce it ’shite’ just because it’s funnier?

Please feel free to chip in with your answers. I’m now going to buy a Valentine’s card, pretending to be a 20 year old barmaid working in the local I’ll write a slushy note thanking him for the night of filthy backdoor love and put it through my mate Jimmy’s door. His wife opens all his post.

Gerry Adams and the Northern Bank Robbery

by Twenty Major on February 11th, 2005

After some commission or other decided the IRA was responsible for the recent bank robbery in the North and that senior members of Sinn Fein knew about it there were some harsh words from IRA Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams yesterday. He accused the government of playing ‘dirty politics’ and challenged the Taoiseach, Dirty Ahern, to have him arrested if he was so sure he had something to do with it all.

Of course nobody really believes Sinn Fein didn’t have prior knowledge of the plan to rob the bank and the big downfall of Adams’ denials is the fact that he talks in with a northern accent. Normal people just don’t trust anyone who speaks with a northern accent. That’s just the way it is whether you like it or not. If Julian on Friday was to deliver you any kind of news you’d just roll your eyes in disbelief. Not because he’s a hopeless gayer but because of his accent.

What Grizzly should do is undergo a course of elocution lessons and learn to speak with a flat mid-Atlantic accent like Tony Fenton. Not only would more people believe what he says but he could get sponsorship every time he speaks and give away great prizes when he plays three songs in this exact order, and so on.

In the meantime however he still has to convince people that his political party knew nothing about the Northern Bank raid. If he’s serious about proving his ignorance in this matter I suggest he carry out the following easy tasks and if he completes them without moaning and with a smile on his face then we should give him the benefit of the doubt:

1 - Appear on The Late Late Show in that Jennifer Lopez dress.
2 - Record a version of ‘Save your love’ by Rene and Renato with Dana - complete with tacky video shot in the grounds of Stormont Castle.
3 - Get his car insurance with RAC but modify the windscreen sticker so it reads RUC and drive around Belfast all year
4 - Have Martin McGuinness change his surname to Martin McNewcastleBrownAle
5 - Shave his beard off leaving only a Hitler moustache which must remain in place for at least 6 months.

I don’t think that’s a lot to ask to prove the credibility of a political party that most people think are just a bunch of thugs and liars. Over to you, Gerry.

Kevin Myers and the bastard children of Ireland

by Twenty Major on February 10th, 2005

I have to say I found Kevin Myers’ article about the children of unmarried mothers in Ireland being bastards ridiculously offensive and short-sighted.

It’s a new low for the Irish Times and shows an incredible lack of judgement. I mean I’m sure some of these children are bastards but you can be quite sure there’s a smattering of cunts, a plethora of feckless pricks, a gansey load of gobshites and an unholy alliance of poxy wankers.

Shame on you for neglecting to mention them, Myers, shame on you.

Ashes to ashes

by Twenty Major on February 10th, 2005

Yesterday being Ash Wednesday I spent all day smoking and collecting the ash in a Superquinn green bag (environmentally friendly, dontcha know).

I then made a cardboard dog collar, dressed in black and went out into the streets of our fair city where I proceeded to smear the ash all over the foreheads of willing recipients who thought I was a kindly old priest.

All those people going home thinking they had the sign of Jesus when, in fact, they all had the mark of Twenty Major.

Peas be with you, brothers and sisters.

Lent - a time of sacrifice.

by Twenty Major on February 9th, 2005

So lent begins today. A time when good catholics deny themselves one of life’s pleasures for 40 days and 40 nights in remembrance of the time when Jesus spent 40 days and 40 nights in desert with only cheap wine, fig rolls and scorpion piss to keep himself alive.

I pondered long and hard about what to give up this year. Booze? Not a chance. The world needs a pissed-up Twenty Major. Cigarettes? Sorry, but I’ve got a website name to maintain. Eating fatty foods? What would Silvio the chipper man tell his kids when my lack of income means they can’t go to chip shop college? So it was quite a choice.

To try and figure out what it was I was going to do I decided to spend 40 days and 40 nights in the desert myself. Sadly, Ireland has no deserts so I went to the closest thing we have. Athlone. I didn’t last 40 minutes. What a fucking kip it is. I figured I’d be better off at home thinking about it.

Then it came to me in a flash. How could I have been so blind? I finally knew the way to honour our old beardy up there.

So from today, and for the next 40 days and nights, I will completely abstain from sex with 6′0″ tall Venezuelan supermodels called Ramona. It will be difficult but I think I can make that sacrifice for our lord Jebus Christ.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m off to guzzle a great tankard of scorpion piss. Mmmmmm.

Some interesting facts you might not have known

by Twenty Major on February 8th, 2005

- Irish people invented the English word ‘gonads’.

- Colin Farrell likes to put African honey bees down his Jap’s eye during sex.

- A huge government and media cover-up is hiding the fact that cholera and typhoid are rampant in Blanchardstown.

- This new town - Adamstown - is built on the site of an ancient traveller’s burial ground. Expect polterthieves and people knocking around all night looking for ‘milk far da babby’.

- Due to her immense size the government is contemplating reclassifying Mary Harney as a county.

- A hairdresser that makes regular appearances on national daytime television used to lie around in his underpants selling drugs to clubbers who would call to his apartment. Not seal clubbers either.

- Eamon Dunphy has no furniture in his house apart from old tea-chests used for tables and a four-poster bed that used to belong to Liberace.

- If you punch a tiger in the face it will fall asleep with its eyes open for 20 seconds giving you time to run away.

- Aussie pop-singer Holly Vallance has a 16 inch long clitoris which she ties in a double-Windsor knot.

- 97% of the people of Arklow are related to each other. The other 3% are illegitimate.

- The guy who played Big Bird in Sesame Street now lives in Clontarf where local shopkeepers are fascinated by his high pitched voice and lurid tales of what Oscar the Grouch really did in that bin.

- East Point Businesspark, opposite Fairview Park, was built on land reclaimed from the sea. Now the sea wants it back and is prepared to go Tsunami on the tech support cunts that work there. Be afraid.

- Miss Selfridges is to launch a new range of clothes which don’t show off the pubic areas of 13 year olds. Wait, that’s a lie. Sorry.

- Celia Ahern’s fluffy brand of girly fiction has set the Irish literary scene back 25 years. Raging at seeing the young lady make so much money from two books John Banville has written his own chick-lit novel about a plucky Trinity classics professor who sees her male colleagues get promotion and pay rises while her career remains stagnant. Using the poetry of Homer and the mathematics teachings of Archimides she plots her way to the top in a cheeky and sassy way knowing the only thing that can stop her is love itself.

- Some of these facts may not be true.

This IRA stuff is all very worrying

by Twenty Major on February 4th, 2005

Now that the ‘RA are back in business I have to say I’m considering moving somewhere else. If they begin to commit acts of terrorism again it surely won’t be long before Ireland becomes part of George Bush’s war on terror. Us poor old Micks will be lumped in with Eye-ran, Syria and North Korea as part of the axis of evil.

How long will it be before US troops invade, using Shannon airport (no levies or fees coz Bertie still wants to be chums with Dubya)? Not fucking long at all, let me tell you.

Aren’t there obvious similarities between Osama Bin-laden and Gerry Adams? Both are bushy bearded cunts who speak in an almost unintelligible dialect?

America will try and introduce democracy to our fair land - casting aside years of nepotism, cronyism and back-scratching. Well, that’ll be their excuse. As they storm our churches on a Sunday, shoot, rape and pillage their way from village to village we’ll all know the real reason they’re here. Our greatest natural resource, the bogs. That’s right.

There’s enough peat to power the world for the next 250 years and America wants control of the reserves. They’ll drive up the price of oil then introduce briquettes at a low, low price making 87% of the world dependent on them within 10 years. Irish people will be forced to toil in the peat fields day in-day out, being paid a miserly wage while Americans roam our land driving their giant peat-powered SUVs.

That’s what the real threat of a return to violence by the IRA is. We can’t let it happen. Someone take out Gerry Adams ASAP (word of advice - don’t give that other fella a second go, he was a crap shot first time around).

It’s discrimination

by Twenty Major on February 3rd, 2005

Sorry for my absence. I had a very important hit job to take care of.

Now, imagine you or I being so down on our luck and having being pissed on by life from a great height that we find ourselves outside the labour exchange in Limerick City. You see someone you’re ‘feuding’ with (in my case it would Gerry Sharkey from down the road. The nosey cunt is always poking his nose into my business. Head of Neighbourhood Watch, you see. Knocking on my door asking me to put up an ‘NW’ sticker on my window. Like that’s going to deter the crackhead burglars. Fucking prick so he is, but I digress) and he’s with his girlfriend who is holding their 5 month old baby.

You go over, threaten to kill the girlfriend unless she gets out of the way, then threaten to kill your man and stab him twice in the arm. Some time later you get sent down for fighting in a chipper. Then you’re back in court for stabbing the bloke in the arm and you’d have to hold your hands up and say the judge would be right to add a bit to your sentence.

Not if you’re a traveller though. If you’re a traveller you can get away scot free with this kind of behaviour. If you’re a traveller you’re an ethnic minority and nobody is willing to give you the 50 lashes you deserve because they’re afraid of being done for discrimination. If it were a normal member of the public, or some young lad from Cherry Orchard, you can be sure the judge would have slapped on another few months.

Fucking judge cunts. Fucking traveller cunts. Can’t we rid our country of these plagues once and for all?