Crazy frog cunt
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on February 24th, 2005
Picture the scene, it’s Sunday morning in my local, Ron the barman being a cunt just by existing, I’m sitting with Jimmy the Bollix having a pint, a bite to eat and reading the papers. All is as it should be.
All of a sudden there’s a noise as three English lads burst in through the door. One of them, who looks like a cross between an Ork and Gollum, literally jumps in through the door and announces at the top of his voice “It’s Sunday and I’m in love!!”
I look at Jimmy, he looks at me, neither of us says anything but both of us are thinking the same thing - ‘Shut your manky little mouth you spastic wanker.’
We’re very much in tune, Jimmy and me.
So the three English lads go to the bar, ducking and diving, weaving and bobbing, like the likely lads they are, hopping up and down on their giant-soled trainers which make the tallest of them 5′6″ and they try and engage Ron the barman in conversation. Naturally Ron is having none of it and tells them they can speak to him only to order. No matter how much of a little scumbag you are you don’t argue with Ron unless you want to wake up some hours later with your own hand shoved up your arse (depending on his mood your hand may or may not be attached to your wrist).
They order some pints, probably of cider, and proceed to talk to each other like they’re in the middle of a nightclub with blaring music and not in a quiet local on a Sunday. Orkface is leading the conversation “SO I SAYS TO ‘ER LAST NIGHT, ‘ERE, YOU A VEGETARIAN? SHE SAYS ‘NAH’, SO I SAYS ‘WELL I GOT A BIT OF FACKING MEAT FOR YA LUV’. They all think that’s the funniest thing ever because they’re witless cunts.
Now, regular readers will now that I, Twenty Major, am a very tolerant sort of a person, but there are some things I just can’t stand. The noise of people eating, lemurs, and having to hear people that I don’t want to hear. I shoot a glance of Jimmy who’s rubbing his temples. This is not a good sign. Last time Jimmy did this was the night he was arrested for throwing a brick at Christy Moore (that’s a whole other story).
The three English lads are onto to their second pint when the straw that breaks the camels back arrives. The Ork says to his mates ‘ERE, I’M GONNA DO THAT CRAZY FACKING FROG’ and they say ‘YEAH, ORK, DO IT. IT’S FACKING WICKED!!!’
So Ork sits in my local, on a Sunday morning, while I’m trying to read the papers and have a quiet pint and does the Crazy Frog ringtone with stunning accuracy. “BLEM BLEM BLEM BLEM BLEM BLEM, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM, BLEM BLEM BLEM, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” - he goes, as loud as he can, and let me tell you this cunt was loud. That’s was it. I’d had enough. I look at Jimmy the Bollix. He looks at me. We get up and go down to where they’re sitting. They’re at the bar sitting on stools.
“Lads, that was hilarious”, I say in a jocular fashion. “I really love that ringtone. Any chance you could do it again, it cracks me up!”
Ork doesn’t need a second invitation, his mates are egging him on, so he starts again and this time we can see he’s doing the actions too. Revving the motorbike he’s supposedly riding. “BLEM BLEM BLEM BLEM BLEM BLEM, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM, BLEM BLEM BLEM, WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”
“Oh you’re some man for some man” says Jimmy the Bollix just seconds before punching him as hard as he could in the throat.
Ork is gasping for breath when I kick his stool over and he crashes to the ground. I boot him as hard as I can up his arse while Jimmy pours his pint of cider all over him. His mates get up, realise we’re much bigger than they are, and back off a bit. Jimmy bends down and picks him up by the collar.
“Get. Out. Of. My. Bar. You. Crazy. Frog. Loving. Cuntsack.” he says, with each word giving Ork a light slap in the face. Ork doesn’t need a second invitation. He heads for the front door with his cronies. As he’s going out he tries to regain some of his dignity by croaking “YOU FACKING CANTS” and knocking over a chair. I make a move like I’m going to start running after him and he shrieks slightly before legging it out the door.
Jimmy and I nod at each other, pick the stool up and go back to our snug to continue our quiet morning. A couple of minutes later Ron the barman appears with two fresh pints, which we hadn’t ordered, puts them down on the table and as he’s walking off says “Thanks, lads”
“You’re welcome, Ron,” I say. And he was.
Torq says:
English people should banned from real pubs and rustled into shitholes like The Porter House and all those kips in Temple Bar where they can rot for eternity.
February 24th, 2005 at 10:38 am
johnny5 says:
Presumably an OBE or some sort of new year honour is in the offing.
Bravo.
February 24th, 2005 at 12:25 pm
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Annie says:
Twenty, if you and dear Jimmy ever find yourselves in Maryland, there’s a little pub just down the road from me that could use a little “cleaning up.” Any help would be greatly appreciated.
February 24th, 2005 at 12:32 pm
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Bob says:
Torq you’ve no taste at all . . .
The Porter House is a fine establishment and I’ve enjoyed many’s a good beverage in there and the grub is top notch too (and the price is reasonable too).
I love Belgian beer but I’m fecked if I’m going wasting my time and money queing in Dublin airport and flying on RyanAir to some rural town to enjoy a sup of it when the Porter House serves it up chilled and in the correct glass (round bottomed or it all turns to head) and at the same price as you’d pay for it in an off licence !!!
February 24th, 2005 at 3:51 pm
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johnny5 says:
It’s a tourist infested hell hole Bob, same as the rest of Temple bar.
That shite homebrew is the work of the devil too.
February 24th, 2005 at 4:03 pm
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Scaryduck says:
Good work there. You should have asked them if they “were having the craic yet?” Before kicking them in the fuck.
February 24th, 2005 at 4:46 pm
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Mister Whiskers says:
Twenty. You and Jimmy the Bollix want to come n’ help me clean up Reading? It’s chock-full of English of the type you mention, also Welsh cunts just off the train from Swansea, who for some reason think that Reading is a great place to hang around, threatening people for change. You each get your own flamethrower, and as many Pear Drops as you can stuff. How about it?
February 25th, 2005 at 2:19 am
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peter snees says:
When you’re through in Reading, Twenty, you and Jimmy could catch a train to the town where I live in Sussex.
March 2nd, 2005 at 3:26 pm
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The Real Frog says:
Good on ya twenty, We need more people like yourself
April 7th, 2005 at 9:59 am
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Anonymous says:
Hey mate the english are okat , honest , but i welsh are cunts trash and smell like it too.Thank you.
April 16th, 2005 at 11:33 pm
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Anonymous says:
Never ban smoking unless you ban guns,smoking ban looks so dumb for you.Smoking is lovely.
April 16th, 2005 at 11:35 pm
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adrian says:
Welsh sucker the fuckers sheep and you weep,suck sheep weepers,all you do.
April 16th, 2005 at 11:37 pm
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debs says:
Irish dumb,welsh okay i think,uk people are the best so shuttit cos irish smell like pooh and they cavemen.
April 16th, 2005 at 11:40 pm
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bootjangler says:
‘punching him in the throat as hard as he could’ ?
That should have killed him. Jimmy must be a weak poof, especially as the bloke could speak very soon.
July 22nd, 2005 at 7:09 pm
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bootjangler says:
‘punched him in the throat as hard as he could’ ?
That should have killed him. Jimmy must be a weak poof. Especially as the bloke could speak very quickly.
July 22nd, 2005 at 7:10 pm
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Smartie says:
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September 26th, 2005 at 2:31 pm
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Bud Wiser says:
Great page! Excellent points! Hope I can get away from my free mobile ringtone long enough to come back again! Keep up the great work!
free mobile ringtone
October 2nd, 2005 at 7:36 am
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creep says:
Hi twenty you piece of shit. Stick that dole in your ass. you fucking waste of life and talent. Don`t be to proud of this garbarge you write.
April 4th, 2006 at 10:55 pm
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Fuck off Apache Pizza » Twenty Major - Still smoking in Dublin bars says:
[...] think everybody in the whole world agreed that the Crazy Frog was possibly the worst thing ever. Worse than cancer, worse than being rimmed by a cat, worse than [...]
February 14th, 2007 at 12:01 am
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