That fucking Kentucky Fried Chicken ad
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on February 14th, 2005
I’m sure you’ve seen it. Where the guy sings to ask for a bite of her burger (why he can’t just fucking go get one if they’re only €1.69 is beyond me, he must be from Cavan) then the girl with a mouth larger than a whale’s vagina sings like a banshee with a three octave range just to say ‘no’.
I wish yer man would loaf her at the end. Then steal her burger. Then kick her up and down the shop. And before I get castigated for promoting violence towards women I would say the exact same if it was the other way around. I’d be quite happy for the girl to batter him to death. I’m all for equal opportunities mindless violence.
Anyway, enough of that. I have some questions that I’d love to know the answers to so please comment if you can help me out.
1 - Is Damien Rice a cruel joke from the makers of David Gray?
“Can’t take my eyes off of you”, he warbles. How about if I gouge them out with a wooden spoon? Reckon you could manage it then you poxy bastard?
2 - How did it come to pass that Simple Minds were one of the biggest bands in the world for a time in the 80s?
3 - What exactly is the point of Samantha Mumba?
4 - How many candles do you think you’d be able to make if you melted down Mary Harney’s blubber?
5 - Does anyone else read about Shiite muslims but pronounce it ’shite’ just because it’s funnier?
Please feel free to chip in with your answers. I’m now going to buy a Valentine’s card, pretending to be a 20 year old barmaid working in the local I’ll write a slushy note thanking him for the night of filthy backdoor love and put it through my mate Jimmy’s door. His wife opens all his post.
that girl says:
Twenty - I’m surprised at you…Valentines Day and not an ode to anyone…I know underneath that crusty exterior you’re an auld romantic…you and Mary Harney eh ;)
February 14th, 2005 at 10:07 am
Anonymous says:
>> mouth larger than a whale’s vagina
>> Mary Harney’s blubber
Any link there?
February 14th, 2005 at 10:19 am
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ciaran.. says:
(I’m writing this in the singing voice of Briyan McFilletoFish, I’d appreciate it if you all read it as such)
Mr Major, I’m not convinced that we’re not the same person.
I fear I may be sleep-blogging. For, in the words of meat-loaf, you took the words right out of my mouth.
Or rather I did. Or not. Perhaps I’m being too generous to myself, I’m just not as heroically vitriolic as yourself.
I’m not a fastfood martyr. I quite like the stuff. Don’t hold it in a high regard, but I’ll gladly wolf a bacon double cheeseburger down my throat. However, since I learned of how KFC’s chicken is no longer classified as chicken
due to some horrible de-beaking process (I could be wrong about the exact details here, but I don’t care), I’ve not been able to bring a zinger to my lips.
That ad though, that fucking ad has turned me from a non-customer to an arsonist.
Ok, so I haven’t burned one down yet, but that’s only because I can’t remember seeing one of their outlets in ireland since the one in rathmines got closed down in the 80’s.
I much preferred their last ad, still in the “soul food” vein, that depicted a load of black people dancing around eating fried chicken. The stereo typing was deliciously offensive, and I think a great big racist advertising campaign is a smashing idea. But they lost their edge.
Now it’s just offensive to music and humanity. Bastards.
Anyhoo…
1. Yes, it would appear so. Rice deserves a dunking in one of those African rivers that you catch those eye-worms in.
An eye for an eye, as it were (sorry).
2. “Don’t you forget about me” - I only wish I fucking could.
3. Mumba’s only famous because she’s the only black girl ever born in Ireland. She’s sponsored by the govn. as she proves we’re modern and multicultural.
4. Candles? Yuck, just think of the smell. Imagine how many centuries it will take for her to decompose inside her oil-tanker/coffin.
5. OhoooooohWaoooooohOaaaaaaoooooohhhEEEeeeeeee… yes
February 14th, 2005 at 10:19 am
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ciaran.. says:
Christ. My reply was longer than your original article.
Apologies, I’m a windbag, and the new postage stamp sized reply box thingy make it difficult for me to tell just how long-winded I’m being.
But sure, the extra scrolling will be good for your wrists.
February 14th, 2005 at 10:26 am
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fatmammycat says:
EEEkkk,damn your oily hide Twenty! Opening up the cesspool of carefully repressed advertising memories. if you’re ranting about ads then might I suggest you track down the makers of ‘Big Al’s real american something or other’.And do a spot of gouging there, oh pleassseeeee. All the drama of the big apple and none of the core…’or something. You know the one, where the pasty faced waitress says. ‘Hotter than a hot tin roof sugggaaarrr,’ in some horrid faux Yankee accent. And then the fat cook, or whatever he was, holds up a burger…or something and says…’Is this a burger I see before me….’or something. And I’m not sure, but he could be Welsh, and isn’t there a law about letting Welsh people on telly before the watershed? Or something? I realise there are a lot of somethings in this post, but truth be told, I do a fairly good job of blanking that ad out of my mind, usually using some kind of alcohol based substance. But somehow, usually before I’m fully awake, the horror of it slithers back to my frontal lobe.Or something. Jesus Christ, I’m going to go and make an early bird special martini. This is ridiculous.Oh and I saw Jim Kerr off his face once at a concert, the concert was poor, but the sight of him twirling about in a huge coat with glazed eyes and his tongue hanging out to the side was worth the price of admission alone.
Even the people he was there with looked ashamed of themselves, and rightly so. Toodles or something,
February 14th, 2005 at 11:02 am
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ciaran.. says:
I second fatmammies gouging recommendation, and also put forward the obvious for your consideration… “Actually, Pal, it wasn’t. It’s sorted. I spoke to them yesterday, they’re signing today. … How come?!”
This brief transcript is from the lemsip ad.
I hate it, but at the same time admire it.
Y’see, what they’ve done is make an ad that’s so bad that it makes you physically ill.
Then they recommend a product to sort your ailments out.
Brilliant. Evil. Cunts.
February 14th, 2005 at 11:15 am
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Twenty Major says:
Especially for ‘that girl’.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
your sister’s a goer
shame about you.
February 14th, 2005 at 11:29 am
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fatmammycat says:
Ciaran,let me counter with… ‘good good lovin’ all ya ever needed was mah good loovin’ ohhh, ahhh eeeeeee good good lovin’ ohhhahhh…love the way you love meeee.’ Taxi swerves off into the night leaving smug looking brunette smiling now that her fucking throat doesn’t hurt any more thanks to Lockets or something….gah today really is too much. Worst advert ever…although I truly appreciate the sheer horror of your offering, especialy the prissy blonde guy, obviously he was still sore from the rimming he took to get the office and then the other guy just comes back after Lemsip MAX power…it sorts the men from the boys you know, I can do that to I might add and witout any satchets of powder to help me
toodles.
February 14th, 2005 at 11:56 am
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ciaran.. says:
I actually quite like that ad (Halls soothers I believe).
Reason being, I visualise the very same tuxedode stud wearing the face off the unsuspecting taxi-driver as he drives off.
“Feck off ye cunt” says he as the hunky fucker starts to unzip his pantaloons.
I’m lieing. I hate it.
February 14th, 2005 at 12:13 pm
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Tommy says:
I had noticed the mouth on yer wan, I propose a general culling of the fuckers who write the shite.The add that really pissess me off is the one for mastercard, a pint of beer $3, a holiday fucking yadiyada, for everything else theres mastercard. It was originally a joke with the punchline ‘priceless’ which usually was sent via email with pics of some bloke asleep holding his dick. Some add man stole it and sold it to them stupid fucks at mastercard for thousands. If I could get me hands on that lazy bastard I’d shoot the fucker.
Shit, that’s been bothering me ever since I first saw the add, Thanks Twenty, I’ll sleep better tonight.
February 14th, 2005 at 4:18 pm
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Mosher says:
Tommy - sorry, feller, but you’re wrong(ish). The “Priceless” advertising campaign in various guises has run for fucking years in the US. The comedy emails ripped it off and then the genuine ads started appearing over here afterwards.
I fucking loathe that KFC ad. See, I’m one of those people who doesn’t give a shite about adverts unless I hate them. No fucking advert will make me go “I’ll have one of those” when I can get the cheap-arsed supermarket own brand instead.
If an advert pisses me off, however, then I’ll avoid the product like the fucking plague.
Which is why I’m in a quandary. I can live on KFC. For times when I was working away from home a lot, I actually *did*. Now, courtesy of that advert I won’t go near the place until they take it off the fucking airwaves.
Now I dunno about you lot, but I’m fucking starving.
February 14th, 2005 at 10:08 pm
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Tommy says:
Thanks Mosher. Months of writing letters to mastercard have been wasted, I was wondering why they didn’t reply.
February 14th, 2005 at 10:33 pm
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Mister Whiskers says:
I like that advert where there’s this naked blonde girl and these naked blokes turn up and they do her up every hole and then spludge on her body while she writhes and moans and pretends to have an orgasm.
Actually, I’m not sure if I’m confusing adverts with something else there.
Nah. I’m sure it was for Jaffa cakes.
February 14th, 2005 at 11:29 pm
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Keith Gaughan says:
1 - It could be worse: he could be Paddy “my songs are all shite and look! all the lyrics are the same!” Casey.
2 - Dunno…
3 - I’d ride her.
4 - A million gazillion. Enough to keep us in chops for a very long time.
5 - Meh.
February 15th, 2005 at 1:58 am
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Anonymous says:
Hey Twenty. What a week you’re having! First: recommended by the Irish Times. Lovely. Instant fame. And now a second national institution has awarded you a major accolade. RTE (for it is they - or more directly their webmaster) has barred access to your blog throught their network. Aren’t you the lucky one?
Personally, I think it was the reference to rendering Mary Harney’s fat deposits for candles that pushed the poor guy over the edge. I could go and start a campaign to have twenty major reinstated to legality in RTE but, hey, fuck ‘em, they obviously (and quite literally) can’t take a joke. Cunts.
On the ad thing; I’d happily watch the guys who wrote the Heineken Chinese Take Away ad being disembowelled with a jagged beer can.
February 16th, 2005 at 4:42 am
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Anonymous says:
Mastercard - it’s worse than you think. Those “comedy” e-mails were almost certainly made and disseminated by Mastercard themselves. It’s common practice now among clever-dick advertisers. Beware those funny e-mails like the “say it with flowers” (man walking out of shop with bouquet spelling out “slapper”) - just because it came from your friend Arthur in accounts doesn’t mean your e-mail box isn’t being polluted by the manufacturers of cars, tinned fish etc
February 18th, 2005 at 12:21 pm
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