11 things I’ve discovered about Dublin
Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on January 27th, 2005
On my ambles around our fair city I’ve seen many things, viewed many people with suspicion and discovered a thing or two about the people who live here. Here’s what I found out:
- Despite purporting to be starving and dirty beggars don’t like anything but money to be dropped into their cardboard cups. They do not appreciate it when you try and be practical and cram the last few of your Burdocks chips and a sachet of Jurys Hotel shower gel in there.
- Security guards in clothes shops on Liffey Street will not act as your personal bodyguard. They will also try and remove you from the shops when you try on underwear and then parade down to the front of the shop to ask them what they think of the fit.
- Police horses don’t like it when you shove a carrot up their hole.
- Throwing a fully clothed mannequin into the Liffey at night then yelling ‘Oh my God! Somebody’s in there and they’re drowning!!’ nearly always results in somebody calling the police.
- Nobody wants to sit next to you on the bus if you’ve got a carrier bag full of fish on the point of going off which you’re about to sell to your local Chinese restaurant.
- Calling up 98FM and saying “Can I make a request, please?” and then saying “I request you shove that Phil Collins record under your foreskin you wanker” nearly always results in the person on the phone hanging up without saying ‘goodbye’. How rude.
- Taxi drivers are broken up into two specific groups. Those who don’t mind Eamon Dunphy and those that hate him so much they’ll stop talking to you unless you hate him as much as they do.
- 97% of all people who work in Centra convenience stores are Asian of some kind. “Hello, give me twenty Major, please,” you’ll say. “Flied lice wi’ tha’?” they answer.
- Unless it’s very busy, like Henry Street at Christmas time, it’s very difficult to trip people up and get away with it.
- It’s nearly impossible to climb The Spire after 15 pints in Mulligans. Nearly.
- There’s a secret door into the old Carlton cinema on O’Connell Street and Dublin’s high society meet there on a weekly basis to have orgies like in that film with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. No, not the racing car one, the one wear they all wear masks and fellate each other in vast rooms of red velvet. I once saw Gavin Lambe-Murphy being rimmed by Eddie Irvine (although Irvine admitted to me later he thought he was with Deirdre Barlow from Coronation Street).
So there you go. 11 things about Dublin. This is likely to be an ongoing series, so check back soon.
Finally for today I’d just like to say that the ridiculously poor feedback to my wonderful punning yesterday has not gone un-noticed, you bastards.
Christine says:
I want to visit Dublin even more, now.
January 27th, 2005 at 12:46 pm
Annie says:
So you’re the fucker who tripped me last time I was in Dublin!
January 27th, 2005 at 1:47 pm
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Anonymous says:
I have a theory on spire climbing.
20 mates or so. 20 pints or more.
All hold hands in a manly fashion.
Form a ring around the spire.
walk up it.
obviously, as you climb towards the tip, most of you would have to be dropped, but sure that’s half the fun.
Pints tonight, Mr Major?
Ciaran..
January 27th, 2005 at 2:56 pm
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Scaryduck says:
I was served by Phil Lynott in Pizza Hut in Dublin. Fair game to him trying to earn a living, what with being dead an’ all that.
January 27th, 2005 at 4:03 pm
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Tommy says:
Ah yes the Carlton cinema,that brings back memories. I remember having to sit in the aisle for the blockbuster,Gold, and being trampled on every time someone went for popcorn. I also have a vague recollection of some oulfella feeling me up in the jaks… Fuck ya twenty,what ya bring that up for..
January 27th, 2005 at 4:17 pm
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Twenty Major says:
Ciaran - pints every night. It’s the law.
Scary - that’s odd, we don’t allow black people into Dublin. Not unless they’ve changed the rules. Paul McGrath used to be airlifted onto the field at Lansdowne Road and smuggled out the back door afterwards.
Tommy - I was that old man. Actually, I wasn’t. It was probably Derry O’Rourke.
January 27th, 2005 at 6:33 pm
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Chubby Bat says:
Hey Twenty, here’s a tip: when you reach the point where you have to prompt people to laugh at your puns, they’re probably really shit puns. Sorry mate but there it is. (Reminds me a bit of that TV ad for Monster: “laugh… not yet! Wait for the punchline!”)
January 27th, 2005 at 9:58 pm
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Twenty Major says:
I’m sorry Chubby, but the fusion of the Oxford based detective, Michael Stipe and Michael Stipe’s urine just cannot fail to make a good pun.
January 27th, 2005 at 10:08 pm
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Chubby Bat says:
I’m not really… SHAW… about that. Boom boom!
January 28th, 2005 at 5:58 pm
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Tommy says:
Your so wrong Twenty, Derry had me in the Savoy,but he kindly bought me a super split to reduce the swelling.
January 29th, 2005 at 3:09 pm
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Anonymous says:
wat shit, but hey i read anything, do something more intersting next time
December 2nd, 2005 at 10:59 am
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January 8th, 2006 at 11:04 pm
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