Roy Keane, the musical

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on January 17th, 2005

There have been some strange musical experiences in my lifetime. There was the time I was sick in bed and ‘Stop the cavalry’ by Jonah Lewie was playing over and over and over again on a small turntable and I couldn’t stop it and I think I had my first ever psychotic incident after the 28th play, there was the time I saw Bruce Springsteen in concert and quite enjoyed it (I felt dirty for weeks though), the continued success of that ginger cocksucker from Simply Red, and now there’s going to be Roy Keane, The Musical.

This is based around the World Cup in 2002 when Keane had his famous row with Mick McCarthy and buggered off home. It’s led me to believe you could write a musical about anything at all, so I’ve got some suggestions.

Ray Darcy - The Musical: This musical, featuring a talking badger as Ray Darcy, takes place in the studios of RTE’s The Den and covers the day Ray came to work to find Dustin giving oral pleasure to Zig while Zag was snorting cocaine from Twink’s breasts. Songs will include ‘Not in front of the kids’, ‘You can’t put your finger up there you sick bastard!’ and ‘This is wrong enough but I thought you two were brothers.’

In Tua Nua - The Musical: This show will be about In Tua Nua and their struggle to make it as a band. It will star Paris Hilton as Leslie Dowdall and follows the progress of the band until they reach their peak, playing a barnstorming gig at a Scout jamboree in Portumna, Co. Galway in 1985. As well as their famous cover of ‘Somebody to love’, new songs will include ‘We’re playing a field, it’s pissing rain and that little boy at the front is playing with his woggle’ and ‘I blame everything on the record company, the cunts’.

Jerry Springer - The Opera: This is a musical about a springer spaniel called Jerry who sings Nessun Dorma a lot.

Tony Fenton - The Musical: He thought he was Rick Dees, he thought he was the ultimate ‘jock’, hanging out in Lillies Bordello and bringing the joy of The Hotline to people across Ireland. Then it all went wrong. This musical charts the rise and fall of Tony Fenton as he makes in legal radio, becomes a household name, then his despair as it all goes wrong, his torrid affair with Gareth O’Callaghan and his addiction to jaffa cakes, battered sausages and tooth whitening cream. Features songs include ‘What do you mean you don’t know who I am pretty little 18 year old?’, ‘Yah, it’s a rockin’ show today’ and ‘How did I get this mid-atlantic accent when I’m a proper Dub?’

Moving Statues - The Musical: The phenomenon of moving statues in Ireland in the 70s and 80s was something to behold. Sensible and intelligent people stood for hours in the cold and rain to see if a lump of ceramic or cement in the shape of the Virgin Mary would move. They never did, but this musical turns back the clock and changes the outcome of events. Not only do the statues move, they breakdance their way across Ireland gathering more and more people to the church. Sinead O’Connor and Biddy from Glenroe star as the statues, Larry Gogan is the enterprising and trendy priest who organsises the ‘Two of ‘em Roadshow’ and songs include ‘Hey you, the rock heavy crew’, ‘I saw Mary pole-dancing in Clonmel’ and ‘Get your mickey out of that lady, Bishop Eamon’.

I shall be approaching showbiz moguls any time now so expect to see these shows, and more, in The Point soon.